Follow up thread

[CantRememberHoliday]

I recently had a thread in 'sex' that I asked to be removed as I feel I gave a lot of information on it.

I wanted to start this thread so it could be a little less outing and so people who had supported me weren't 'ghosted'

For people who didn't read the previous thread:
I was raped 5 weeks ago whilst on holiday and I've just got into uni (bit of a strange combo )

I'd like to thank everyone for the support they've given me! Sometimes, at 18, I feel like an adult and other times I just feel so out of my depth.

You might find these helpful (or not)

www.aspiengirl.com

psychology-tools.com/autism-spectrum-quotient/

asperwomen.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/female-spectrum-symptoms-a-start/

My psychology teacher actually suggested I was autistic to me and my parents wondered when I was younger too but they thought it'd prevent me getting into uni to do what I wanted to do. So that's very useful, thank you!

I have actually wondered about it myself too, to be honest.

www.amazon.co.uk/Women-Girls-Autism-Spectrum-Disorder/dp/1849055475/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-1&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Odd-Girl-Out-Autistic-Neurotypical/dp/150984306X/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-2&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergirls-Empowering-Females-Asperger-Syndrome/dp/1849058261/ref=sr_1_3?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-3&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Girls-World-Renowned-Experts-Syndrome-ebook/dp/B00TZN9O1E/ref=sr_1_4?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-4&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspergers-Me-Girl-Curly-Hair/dp/095626932X/ref=sr_1_7?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-7&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I wish I had this book at your age op, I placed myself in very vulnerable situations with men, completely unaware the affect long kissing sessions had on men. Then terrified when men reacted with anger when I wouldn't go any further. No they had no right to demand sex, no matter how long we had kissed, however with hindsight and sexual experience, I would not have put myself in those situations.

www.amazon.co.uk/Aspie-Girls-Guide-Being-Safe/dp/1849053545/ref=sr_1_13?ie=UTF8&qid=1504963607&sr=8-&tag=mumsnetforum-21
13&keywords=Autism+aspergers+girls+women

www.amazon.co.uk/Making-Sense-Sex-Forthright-Relationships/dp/1843103745/ref=pd_bxgy_14_img_2?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=S75FE296NSG5P4JX8XMH&tag=mumsnetforum-21

www.amazon.co.uk/Safety-Skills-Asperger-Women-Perfectly/dp/1849058369/ref=pd_sim_14_4?_encoding=UTF8&psc=1&refRID=EPJ6HRD6TVS5N2T64G2X&tag=mumsnetforum-21

I would recommend reading as much as you can, unfortunately many parents are reluctant to seek diagnosis of autism, fearing the label will have an impact in the future. However it leaves us vulnerable and without the coping skills that we need to keep ourselves safe. I would perhaps consider confiding in one of your tutors, as you may need support at some stage of your course.

Thank you.

Although, I've never actually really felt vulnerable. I don't know I'm the one everyone comes to for advice, I'm the one that recommends doing XYZ when walking alone, when in unsafe areas, when things can get uncomfortable. I'd say I'm 100% the most 'street wise' of my friends and I would say I'm very good at saying no to men. The fact is, I did say no to the man that raped me, he just didn't listen and there was no 'long term kissing session'. I kissed him once and he spiked me. I'm also always very very conscious about watching drinks, I always have been and my friends are probably spiked on a quarterly basis. I've never been spiked before, until I was abroad and I hadn't even had much to drink!!
I can easily have a 70cl or more of spirits over a night out (I do usually start pre drinking around 5pm when I do my make up though), I'd had 2 cocktails and part of a pitcher and then he bought me 2 drinks. In the nights previously I'd had much much more and been sober enough to sort my drunk friends out (obviously not sober, I know how it affects you). I would say I'm a big drinker, I've always loved drinking and it was never the forbidden fruit. I was bought spirits after GCSEs for example. I can handle my drink and I can usually handle the people around me. I've been sick twice in my life from alcohol and they were special occasions (other than when I was sick before I was raped). I've never felt vulnerable. I feel like I'm not explaining myself well.

I've enjoyed the nights out I've been on since other than my friends fucking now about. I'm so excited for freshers, ive bought tickets for the club nights every night. I have loads of alcohol ready to go and my flat has already been labelled the party flat and everyone is being lovely. I will, of course, lock valuables away when people are over but other than that everyone's welcome in my eyes (all my flatmates agree). I can't wait for uni, I can't wait to party. I can't wait for holidays, festivals and everything I've missed this summer. I feel totally fine other than my friends getting me down. But they all leave this week so I'm free now. And I'm moving forward.

Can't, I'm sorry, you appear to have misread my last post. I was not under any circumstances suggesting that you had any responsibility to bear for being raped. I was merely reflecting on the danger of my behaviour in the past. If I had been raped due to my behaviour I would not have been responsible, no means no, at any point. I was merely reflecting on how oblivious I was and then found myself in dangerous situations. I trusted my friends, it never occurred to me that a female friend would spike my drink and try to organise my rape. I can see with hindsight that there were other signs which showed this so called friend detested me, was jealous of me and wanted to make a fool of me. I would never have considered her a friend had I been able to pick up on these signs.

I believed that I was mature, sophisticated and capable. And in many ways I was, in a professional capacity this was certainly true. I appeared to be mature beyond my years. I had an empathy for others that led me to be counselor or advisor to my friends and advocate for those who needed support. I would have laughed out loud had you suggested that I was socially and emotionally immature. But I most definitely was, I misread signs, I was oblivious to an entire group ostracising me until they ordered two taxis to take us out and piled into one taxi, leaving me alone in the other. I finally took the hint then, and was left bewildered at how I could have missed the signs that they disliked me. Yet they were obvious if I could have read social nuances or body language. But I lacked the social skills. It was incredibly confusing. I have always struggled with friendships with other women, to this day my best friends have been my husband and my Mother.

I guess what I am trying to say, is that there are different types of maturity. It is perfectly possible to be incredibly mature academically and immature socially and emotionally. I was like this and I read that same sense of naivety in your posts. If you had realised your friends true intentions the night you were raped, then you would never have been their friends to begin with. I know that its difficult to place yourself under the possible label of autistic. However girls/ women present very differently to boys/ men on the spectrum. That's why it is so important that you read up on autism. My brother loves going to festivals, clubs etc, so he couldn't see himself as on the spectrum. Its not well known that there are different sensory behaviors in those on the autism spectrum, myself and my son are sensory avoiders, we hate crowds, noise, strong smells, rough fabric and brightness. My brother is a sensory seeker, he thrives in noise, crowds, in bright sunshine etc. Yet he is definitely on the spectrum. I needed alcohol to calm my anxiety and help me cope in places like nightclubs when I was your age. I thought it was fun at the time but it would physically exhaust me.

I suppose I am sensitive to textures of foods and certain smells. One of my teachers really teased me because I don't like soggy foods. But the fact is I can't physically bring myself to eat them. There are very few foods that I eat (but I'm slowly improving) and it was linked back to when I was very poorly as a baby as beforehand I ate everything.

I could accept I was autistic but not that I'd have to take a step back on nights out! I could even accept it's not a good idea to drink. I used to go out about 3 times in 2 weeks but one of those three I wouldn't touch a drop of alcohol because I know I am essentially binging on the other nights. I never drink casually, not even a cider or an alcopop. I don't even have a drink with Christmas dinner, I only ever drink on nights out. So I know I can drink a lot in one go and I also know it's not right to drink 2 weeks worth of units in one night even if I don't drink anything else over the two weeks. I just love the atmosphere and I find alcohol enhances it but is not necessary.

I also don't think I copy facial expressions. People often laugh and say I have a very expressive face
However I suppose I do get frustrated by small talk (if that would be a symptom?). It just feels so impersonal to talk about the weather but at the same time there's nothing really appropriate to say to a stranger other than that.

With good friends, ones I've met at festivals and gigs that don't know my other group of friends, I love to chat. I am very open though! But I'm much more open over messages than in person.

I had a bit of a bad night yesterday. A lad I met at a gig over a year ago (we've spoken every day since and met up at a few other gigs) whom I'm very close to was feeling suicidal last night. I stayed up and chatted to him etc and he's just messeged me saying 'I'm so special and he doesn't think I realise how amazing I am but that he really appreciates me.'

(And he isn't trying to 'hit on' me or anything because he has a girlfriend.)
So I would say I really can be the one helping others. And I even know when I can't or shouldn't help others so I offered my support always but recommended professional sources too. He says he's so upset about me going so far away but I really feel like I'll be okay.

I only suggested taking a step back on nights out, because you may experience a trigger that takes you back to the night of the rape. I thought perhaps counseling first would help. But as you have been out lots already since it happened, by all means continue to do so. Do be cautious when drinking though, I hope that you have good friends who can look out for you. I was lucky on several nights out to have older protective friends who could spot when I was in trouble and get me out of the situation quick.

I'm not sure where you have got the idea of mirroring facial expressions? Subconsciously, girls on the spectrum notice certain behaviors that their friends display and they learn to mimic them so that they fit in. There is no mirroring of facial expressions though, if anything we don't pay much attention to other peoples facial expressions. There is certainly no determined mirroring. I think you should look into autism yourself, you seem to have some preconceived ideas and my posts are probably not helping! As its possible to take words as meaning something completely different to how the writer intended! I am not an expert on autism! I'm not even an expert on me or my sons autism! But the most important quote on autism that I have found is; 'If you have met one person with autism, you have met one person with autism!'. In other words just like in life, no two people are the same, how autism affects one person will be completely different in another person! I will bow out with the advice on autism from here! Other than to say that food issues are incredibly common in people on the spectrum. However you will find all of this out when you look into it yourself!

As for your friend, I am sorry to hear he is feeling so down. I will say though, that his declaration of how wonderful you are, is not the usual statement that a man makes to a girl he is not interested in. I would also ask yourself why he spent the evening chatting to you and not his girlfriend! His distress at you moving away also suggests that he may have realised that he has romantic feelings for you. Unfortunately having girlfriends or wives doesn't often stop men from being romantically interested in other women! This sort of situation can be confusing as it can be difficult to pick up on the signals that boys/ men are sending. I would however be very surprised if this boy/ man is not interested in you!

Anyway, good luck with your new start at University, I hope that you make some genuinely good friends. I hope that you can find support/ counseling to help you process the rape. And please stay away from those awful girls from home!

Thank you.
This link said she'd learned her facial expressions from people and she could pinpoint when she picked them up.

asperwomen.wordpress.com/2016/06/01/female-spectrum-symptoms-a-start/

I really don't think he is interested in me though. I genuinely tell pretty much all my (genuine) friends that I love them to bits and they say similar to me. Most of my friends are male and nothing has happened with any of them. I've never even kissed any of my male friends even when I've shared hotel rooms to go to gigs etc and none of them have tried either. His girlfriend is a different issue and was finding it hard to cope with him moving out as she's younger.

Ah OK, I haven't read that link in a long time, it is on my bookmarked list for sharing though. My son and I are not the best at noticing facial expressions, I am moderately to severely deaf and lip read so my eyes miss a lot of facial expressions.

My son has facial blindness, when asked to describe someone he can tell you details of hair, clothes, hands, shoes but remembers nothing of faces. He has a very expressive face but it is limited in its expressions and he struggles to understand facial expressions.

A lot of children on the spectrum struggle with understanding facial expressions, it sounds like the writer of the article is describing a coping strategy which she used to teach herself the meaning of different facial expressions. Different children may find coping strategies, others may not and will struggle throughout their lives as a result. Some coping strategies will be determined by the individual, where as some will be implemented subconsciously without the individual recognising that it had happened.

Thank you. I do understand that everyone is different. I'll read up on it a bit more but I don't know if I'd ever try to get a diagnosis. I know how difficult they are to get (younger family members have autism) and I'm not sure if I need the support in that way.

I'm quirky in some ways but nothing that really holds me back other than food.
I used to be sensitive to certain textures of clothes too. I couldn't have a jumper pulled over my head for example, couldn't wear glittery socks as they just felt all wrong. I've mostly grown out of that although somtimes I wear a necklace for example all day and when I get home I notice it immediately, almost as if it starts burning into my neck and I need to take it off that second. I'm not sure if that could be an indicator.

I always had obsessions too but used to hide them as best as I could. I suppose I still do but they're fleeting. I'll be obsessed with eyeshadow techniques for weeks and buy new makeup brushes and palettes and watch hundreds of videos and one day I wake up and I have no interest at all in it. Then I have a period of being 'normal' and then I get obsessed with something again.
The family members that are on the spectrum have had obsessions for years but they are much younger than me and all boys so that may explain the differences.

I've been invited out tonight and I didn't reply to the messages. I didn't want them to think they're even worth my time anymore. There's been a couple of tweets about "people obviously ignoring messages and how annoying it is" so I've liked them.

I know it's very childish and passive aggressive but oh well.

The people I'm going to meet at uni seem much nicer than my friends but I'm still getting a bit worried about moving.

Sorry Can't, I haven't been on for a few days. Worrying about moving is totally natural! Change is hard and this is probably the biggest change you have had yet in your life. Do you have things from home that can make you feel more at home in your new room? Say a favourite blanket/ duvet cover from home, the same room spray/ scented candle that you use at home. Pictures of your family and some of your favourite foods that you normally eat at home can help too.

Has uni started yet? As getting into a familiar routine at uni should help too. It will just take time to get used to everything new and to learn more about your flat mates and make new friends.

I'm excited to go but the campus (I said which one it was on my old thread but don't want to say again) is in the middle of no where and I like to be in the centre of everything. I always imagined being in the crowds of London but I never got the offer I wanted from the London based uni I applied to.

I have immersed myself in the group chat and planned a flat party with my flatmates the day we move in. Parties are allowed as long as you inform security. So I've purchased loads a silly games for ice breakers and invited too many lots of people over! I'm excited for all this but I'm just missing the idea of what I though uni would be like; fast paced and city based.

I'm also catered, which was mandatory so I'll have to start eating more foods ASAP I usually find the vegan option suits me so hopefully they have a spare as I'm not technically vegan, just veggie and mildly lactose intolerant (but I love cake)!

I just don't want to be bored! I never sit still and I love trying new things so I know I'll enjoy the societies etc but I'm still a little nervous. I'm definitely more excited though, probably 85% excited and 15% nervous.

I don't get on particularly well with my family and weirdly enough I don't have a single picture with them which I know sounds strange but I do have lots of my dog! I'll take those and probably things I've collected from other continents that are special to me, I have some really pretty African ornaments and Asian ones too! They hold a lot of happy memories of travel and exploration with people who were my 'friends' (I won't let them ruin those memories).
I've purchased all new bedding as I have a colour scheme that isn't the same as my room at home but I don't have a favourite blanket or anything like that anyway.

Also forgot to add that I'm moving in just over a week!

Been really struggling to sleep recently, up until after 4 most mornings. I feel like I'm thinking too much.

I'm exhausted by it all

I'm not sure uni is for me

You've been through so much lately. I'm wondering if it's fresheners week intensity that's making you think this, or something else?

Oh lovey, uni IS for you. Uni is what you make it. Find your people, spend your time with them, enjoy this next part of your life. You have been through SO much BS and really deserve this. You sound so intelligent and I think you will thrive at uni. I'm so sorry for all you've been through

What a traumatic time. I hope you get loads of support. You have been raped and you have been stuck for a very long time in emotionally abusive relationships with friends. You are amazging and deserve better but will need support and time to build up new patterns in your life. It will be tough and rewarding.
Uni is for you, it will enable you to achieve ambitions, have fun and access the support you need.
Good luck! Enjoy x

I've been out every night, I think I'm the only one who has managed it and I've loved it. But I feel like no one likes me! I can't help it at all and I got a bit upset the other night and people said they loved me to pieces but if I say that no one likes me they'll stop making the effort. I've upset people already.

I've spent time with different people every night so I don't really know anyone that well yet. Although they all say I'm really funny

Sorry, I didn't articulate that well. Basically people were upset/annoyed that I suggested they didn't like me and that they were just being polite.

The thing is, youre basically calling them liars and fakes when you say that.

I understand the need to be reassured especially with everything youve gone through with your old "friends", but you really need to make an effort to keep those kinds of thoughts to yourself as much as possible while youre still in the "making new friends" stage of things. New friendships need time to grow in the sunlight.

Try and take things at face value if you can - some of these people may turn out to not be keepers, but letting yourself doubt them all and question everything, especially by explicitly asking, is not going to do you any favours.

I suppose but on face value I feel like they're passing looks about me and wishing I wasn't there