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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Follow up thread

142 replies

CantRememberHoliday · 22/08/2017 10:08

I recently had a thread in 'sex' that I asked to be removed as I feel I gave a lot of information on it.

I wanted to start this thread so it could be a little less outing and so people who had supported me weren't 'ghosted' Grin

For people who didn't read the previous thread:
I was raped 5 weeks ago whilst on holiday and I've just got into uni (bit of a strange combo Blush )

I'd like to thank everyone for the support they've given me! Sometimes, at 18, I feel like an adult and other times I just feel so out of my depth.

OP posts:
Marmaladeorange · 02/09/2017 02:09

You sound like an absolutely amazing person. Fuck these friends (by the sound of it, nobody would deserve them as their worst enemy) and look forward to having an amazing time at uni! I don't know where you're going but I'm also a student and the best thing is to throw yourself into it. Don't be afraid of drunken chats where you bare your soul either, they're often the basis of solid friendships. Remember that what happened to you has absolutely no bearing on your own sexual history or your ability to make choices regarding your own body in the future. Your friends are fucking wrong, your attacker will never have the power to control your sexual desire or your experience with other sexual partners. I hope you find lovely, open minded and caring people of both genders at uni because you sound like you deserve them in your life - and they would be equally lucky to have you too.

Windytwigs · 02/09/2017 07:56

It makes me sad as I'm not as controlling (their bfs are also controlling) or bitchy as my friends but yet im never noticed. It's not that I'm shy either, far from it. I'm always in the middle of everything and give 110%

You're the friend who always makes the effort, despite how appallingly they treat you. They don't need to put any effort into maintaining you as a friend, and you're not as loud and attention seeking. That's why they don't notice you. You should have dropped them years ago. Flowers

CantRememberHoliday · 02/09/2017 11:53

Thank you.

Although, I would say I was quite loud. I come across as very confident when I'm with people. I get told that I never stop smiling or laughing and that I have a brilliant sense of humour. I thrive from being with people that make me feel good, almost light in a way. Hard to explain, sorry.

But whenever I'm alone I second guess everything and think that people don't like me. I suspect it's due to my 'friends' constantly putting me down. I could never pin my finger on what made me such an insecure wreck but I think they're the answer. I then spend hours going over what I said, sometimes my friends will text me things e.g "Everyone laughed at that joke but they were laughing at you. It wasn't funny you're pathetic". Now I don't need them to text me, my head tells me that myself. I've recently started showing people what my friends are like and they've appalled. I think they've literally been lying to me all along. But why?

Hopefully I manage to make friends at uni. I have 6 years there after all Grin

OP posts:
MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 12:02

Your friends are appalling. Are any of them going to the same university as you? If not I really would just block the whole lot of them when you move away from home. You have to be really careful from now on about the friends you make at university - try not to get involved too deeply with anyone for a while until you know they're worth being friends with. Make friends with as many people as you can and watch how they are with others and how they talk about their friends and family.

Your school friends are very unusual - you've been really unlucky. I don't know anyone who'd treat a friend like that. Are they the Queen Bees in a very small town? You mention there were only 30 in your year at school - I bet there were some there who would have a very strong opinion about your friends.

MyBrilliantDisguise · 02/09/2017 12:03

sometimes my friends will text me things e.g "Everyone laughed at that joke but they were laughing at you. It wasn't funny you're pathetic".

Can you see that these people are not your friends?

CantRememberHoliday · 02/09/2017 12:14

Are they the Queen Bees in a very small town?

It's not a very small town but yes, everyone knows them. And they are Queen Bees.

I know they're not friends but they used to get annoyed if I spoke to anyone else and since their parents paid for everything they used to do all the fun stuff. Holidays, festivals etc that others couldn't afford. so, although I paid for myself, I had people to go with!

None of them are going to the same uni. They're all going to the Russell group near me or the ex poly equivalent so they can go home at weekends/commute.

I'm going over 3 hours away.

OP posts:
CryptoFascist · 02/09/2017 12:18

They aren't your friends at all, they are bullied and keep you around to have someone to pick on. Utter fuckwits.
You sound like a really lovely person and going to Uni, and ditching these deadheads, will be the making of you.

CryptoFascist · 02/09/2017 12:19

*bullies

CantRememberHoliday · 02/09/2017 13:50

Thank you.

They told me I was stupid to study for the medical based degree I'm doing. That I was boring and I'd have no friends and if I had to study for A levels I'd fail uni. They ere going to drink and have a good time and they couldn't understand that I also really want to do the course. It's going to be 6 hard years but I genuinely hope I enjoy it.

OP posts:
TheDayIBroke · 02/09/2017 20:24

DO NOT LISTEN TO THESE AWFUL PEOPLE - THEY ARE NOT YOUR FRIENDS! They are bullies, and they are the pathetic ones for treating you in this way. Please, please, I beg of you, cut contact with them, they bring nothing but hurt to your life, and when you really needed them they were truly vile to you. From what you say, it sounds like they are squashing you down to make themselves feel good. Please don't give them the opportunity to do so any more.

You sound such a lovely young strong woman, and I am so sorry for what happened to you on holiday. Go to uni and forget these horrid creatures ever existed. Enjoy uni and make friends who will genuinely be there for you and care for you and want to be with you.

I wish you all the best and much happiness for your future. Flowers Flowers

Haffiana · 02/09/2017 21:58

OP, you are being abused by your so-called friends and like many women in an abusive relationship you are endlessly obsessing about why your abusers behave the way they do, and obsessing about what it is that you are doing or not doing that makes them behave in this way. The answer is simply that they are abusers. It is nothing to do with who you are and their motives are not your concern or your problem.

This is perfectly usual and is not at all your fault that you are stuck in this cyclical obsessive thought pattern, but it is not 'normal'. It is also not helped by the fact that you are in shock after being raped. I strongly suggest that you request some counseling as soon as you get to Uni. You need distance and clarity and a chance to find out who you are. It may be that posting here helps a little to give you that, or it may be that it does not. Only you can judge that.

You now need to really start to have a care for yourself and look after yourself. Put yourself first.

CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2017 07:35

Well, just been out with the other group from sixth form. They left me 20 miles away from home. Haven't seen them since 11pm, waiting for the first bus now. They knew I had a dead phone too and had to charge my phone in McDonald's.

OP posts:
CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2017 07:35

What the fuck do I do wrong??

OP posts:
CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2017 07:37

I dont even have the money for a taxi (£60 ish). I swear no one cares about me

OP posts:
YellowFish32 · 03/09/2017 07:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CantRememberHoliday · 03/09/2017 07:59

Thank you Smile

Why is it always me

OP posts:
blankface · 06/09/2017 09:32

Didn't want to read and run.

I'm so sorry this latest situation being abandoned by people you think are your friends has happened.

Please, please don't go anywhere with them any more. They are not your friends, they do not care about you. Whatever dynamic there is in that group, you are not among friends, they are abusing you.

It isn't 'always you' but I think somewhere along the line you are a very vulnerable lovely person and the wrong sort of people are picking up on that and exploiting you.

Please, when you get to Uni, do socialise, but be very, very careful who you choose as friends. There are a lot of people who are very intelligent and who do well on the academic side, but emotionally they are very vulnerable and without any fault of their own, the wrong sort of people seem to sense that and then exploit them, it's a form of bullying. Some vulnerable peoples' emotional age differs wildly from their actual age, as a rough guide, vulnerable people can be around two thirds of their age emotionally, so if you are 21, emotionally you could be around 14.

Please find the pastoral support services at your new uni, ask them for help. Explain how you have been treated and ask them what support they can offer you.

I wish you every success for the future and hope your time at Uni brings you a lot of happiness and support and you go on to have a great career and find real friends Flowers

CantRememberHoliday · 06/09/2017 15:05

Thank you!

I'm not sure if it is like that though. I literally get on with everyone but don't want to confront them. I'm always told I'm mature and I'm often solving problems for other people.

I will definitely socialise. I thrive when I'm with people and love nothing more than drinking, festivals, parties etc. I've got some crazy elaborate fancy dress costumes and loads of gigs booked for the future and a couple of my new uni friends have offered to come with me. I'm genuinely not shy and I'm very very outgoing so I wouldn't even say they dominate the situations/conversations I think they're genuinely just bossy and I'm easy going.

The friends that left me are not the original friends!! They hate my group of friends so I think it was just a coincidence. I hate missing out and feel much better about drinking now, especially since I was fine all by myself all night with no money or phone! I met some lovely people and had a ball until the last club closed at 6am Grin I think we're all going out on Friday and then everyone else goes off to uni. Can't wait to see how they fuck me over this time but it's actually getting laughable and I don't want to miss out! My mam + sister know what they're like so they'll hopefully rescue me if anything similar happens.

But no, I won't ever stop socialising. I do love people I just hate when they're like this.

OP posts:
PurpleToeNails · 06/09/2017 19:47

Hi Can'tRemember, I think you sound like a confident young woman who has the confidence to be yourself, and to be proud of who you are. :)
Unfortunately your classmates appear to have bought into rape culture and/or don't care about each other as friends.
That's not your fault - it's an awful reflection on society :(

CantRememberHoliday · 08/09/2017 11:15

Thank you!
I just had a bit of a realisation last night that I'm so so so lucky being alive and healthy. I spend a lot of time being miserable but I'm determined to appreciate everything and not let anything get me down. Grin

OP posts:
CantRememberHoliday · 08/09/2017 20:40

Well, they've royally fucked me over again. In the form of complaining when I said I wouldn't be out drinking today (didn't leave bed yesterday I was so poorly) and so I agreed to go. They pushed the meeting time forward 2 hours so I rushed to get ready. Once ready I was informed there was no room for me.

OP posts:
cashmerecardigans · 08/09/2017 21:05

I remember your previous thread. You're amazing, coping so well with a hugely traumatic experience.
Your friends are not your friends - I'm so angry on your behalf. You've done fantastically well getting to medical school. Grab that opportunity and make the most of it. Leave your small town friends behind, at uni you'll find like minded people who will love you for being you.
You're on the brink of the next stage oh your life and it will be the making of you. I work at a uni and second what a PP said, there's loads of support, find it and take what you need.
You go girl Flowers

PurpleToeNails · 08/09/2017 21:07

I can hear how much it's hurting you, but I think it sounds like their loss to not have you around.
You were talking about appreciating everything earlier, so what are the five things you appreciate the most just now? Things that are simply important or special to you?

CantRememberHoliday · 08/09/2017 21:45

5 things I appreciate:
I live by the sea, have done all my life. I vividly remember a child of about 8 running towards the beach as they'd never seen the sea before! I appreciate the luxury of the Northumberland coastline massively.

I appreciate my siblings whom are much older than me but very caring. Even when I was awful to them when I was much much younger Grin

I appreciate other things such as my health, that I had and continue to have an education and although we're not rich, I was never incredibly poor

OP posts:
Rescuepuppydaft2 · 09/09/2017 05:39

Can't, you are punishing yourself by continuing to meet with, think of, or engage with these people! They are bullies and they are thoroughly enjoying manipulating you and making a fool of you! I am so sorry that you were raped, I am horrified that your friends goaded your rapist and their communication with you since you were raped is beyond cruel! These people are evil, they are every bit as responsible for your rape as your rapist was! They are repeatedly and deliberately harming you, you need to protect yourself! Block every single one of them! No more nights out, no more messages! In fact until you have received counseling for your rape I would advise not to go out drinking/ dancing with anyone. Please be careful too as you will draw out more vipers at uni, think of them as emotional vampires who sense your vulnerabilities! It does sound like you have made some good friends, I would concentrate on building on these friendships!

I have been in very similar situations when I was younger ( I am thankful that I escaped them unscathed (apart from the distress at the time), I was almost raped on more than one occasion and my 'friends' (vipers) were jointly responsible! I had one friend spike my drink with large amounts of vodka with the intention of sending me home with two disgusting men in their late forties! I started to feel unwell and managed to escape unharmed. I too was a virgin and they (my friends) ktook it as a challenge to take that away from me. Looking back I can see how incredibly vulnerable I was! I too went to uni studying to become a professional. I was always told by tutors (and professionals on placement) how mature I was and like yourself I was bubbly, friendly and reasonably outgoing. But if I am honest, ómy self esteem was incredibly low.

Academically I excelled, I had top marks for all of my placements and assignments. Yet despite this I was socially and emotionally immature and vulnerable. For me that was the result of undiagnosed autism (which presents differently in girls, girls are much better at mimicking their peers and appearing 'normal'). Unfortunately my so called friends sensed that vulnerability and naivety, and put me in dangerous situations for their own enjoyment. Just as your friends have! I am in no way saying that you are on the autistic spectrum (although you may well be), but you are vulnerable and naive! You trust people to be good human beings, when unfortunately there are many people out there that would (and have) do you harm. This is not a bad thing but it is something you will need to be aware of to protect yourself from in the future. Looking back there were social cues that I missed, cues showing their true intentions. 9

Counseling is crucial for you to work through your trauma, both surrounding your rape and the cruelly way these so called friends have treated you. You are in a fortunate position of having the opportunity of a fresh start. Put these people to the back of your mind and focus on your studies and yourself. There are good people out there, you don't need to stay in a group of toxic vipers! You are intelligent, lovely, friendly and you have a promising future ahead of you! Please take heed and leave these vipers in the past where they belong! You wouldn't stay in contact with your rapist, these girls are every bit as bad and they take sadistic pleasure in hurting you! Please protect yourself!