He's from the country, I'm from the city - feel like am slowly dying

[splendidisolation]

Hello! I'd really appreciate any advice you might have. Sorry if this is long, I need to write it down for myself, too.

THE SITUATION: I'm 29, been with DP (34) for 2 years, first year was long distance, and for the last year I've lived in what I'll call The Town.
THE PROBLEM: He's from the countryside, born and bred in the same place. I moved around loads and always lived in cities.

Last year, I moved from a city at the opposite end of the country to be closer to him. Whilst he still lives in the large village he was born in, I moved to the middle-sized town that is basically the 'epicentre' for all the surrounding villages.

It was always going to be me moving, simply because my work means I can work from anywhere. Also, I knew he had very strong ties to his region and village, whereas I am much, much more footloose.

THE PROBLEM: The problem is after a year, I feel really isolated and unfulfilled. I have done everything in my power to create a network for myself, and having moved so much, it's something I'm good at. I know how to put myself out there and am a really relaxed and friendly person. But I just haven't met ''my'' kind of people here.
There's no real cultural scene to speak of. There's no exhibitions, or theatre, no classes or courses you can go on (everything here seems really scattered. Instead of stuff happening in The Town, you have to drive around to various other smaller towns for stuff to do). I've made a few friends here but it's a different kind of friendship than the ones I'm used to. A lot of my social life revolves around going to dinner at his family or friends' house. All his friends are married with kids and the conversation normally centres on local gossip and the kids.

The Town has been suffering from post-industrial decline for awhile now. It's kind of a dormitory town. It's just so dead. I can appreciate it's pretty, but what little is going on here is really low-key and for all its charms it's just a very uneventful place to live. I know I should have thought about this before I moved, but I was just so happy to finally be moving near him, I didn't give it any thought.

The saving grace is that just a 40-minute drive away is a major city that I really, really like.

My dilemma is whether I should move to the city or not, but for some reason I'm really struggling with this decision.

PROS OF MOVING TO CITY:
I'll be able to fulfill other parts of me. I'm also an artist, it would be great to hang out with other artists, take some specific classes, go to exhibitions. Since I'm self-employed, it would be great to find a work space too. Just so many more opportunities to meet like-minded people and thrive.
It's near enough to DP still that we can definitely still spend at least 3 nights a week together. I may find I actually appreciate the country when I'm not living in.
CONS OF MOVING TO CITY:
It will definitely be more expensive. That's not to say it's not doable for me, it is, but it's something to bear in mind.
I'm very worried that DP will see this move to the city as me breaking away from him. On the other hand, I can't help but feel a little seed of resentment: I told him (back in the good old hazy days of idealising the place when I first moved!) that it would be great to move into a house with him, and he balked. I guess he likes having his independence, although he stays at mine pretty much every night. But I kind of think you can't have your cake and eat it, too. You want independence? That's cool, I'm off to the city! :-D
But seriously though, I'm worried he would see it as the relationship becoming weaker. I think if I said I wanted to move into the city, he would try and push us moving in together in a bid to keep me there. Which on reflection, is probably not the right solution.

Our relationship is good, we love each other. But how is this going to work long term if he's a through and through country guy and I'm the opposite?

Should I:
A - Move to the city, and me and DP can see each other 3 or 4 nights a week? Distance between city and his village: 40 minutes by car
B - Stay in the town but try and get to the city one or two days a week? The only thing with that is - it's really not quite the same thing as living there and making a proper network for yourself. Distance between town and his village: 10/15 minutes by car

I'm starting to feel frustrated and like I'm wasting away a little. It also annoys me that he got to keep his lifestyle and network and I'm just supposed to find a way to make this work for me, whilst spending a lot of time with HIS network, etc.

Please, any thoughts or opinions would be very welcome.

I sympathise with you as it seems right now that you are the one making the sacrifices (friends/career/moving expenses, new home etc) & essentially your DP life has remained pretty much the same as before with you now closer to him - almost a bonus :) Years ago I did this & later did say that me & my DS (4 yrs at the time) had moved, given up various stuff to move out, (way out) into the country & to become quite isolated for this newish relationship- that if it foundered or didnt work out, it was me who then had to move & start up again. His life was good/unchanged either way.

Essentially it is a compromise, & hopefully you can work out something between you both that will work so that neither of you feel that you are giving up big parts of your lives to be together

I'd think that a move to the city where you can build up your own business for the moment and network would be a good choice. You can see eachother when you're both free and if the relationship strengthens to a point you want to move in together/have kids you could suggest you both compromise by moving to the suburbs or maybe a smaller town/village on outskirts of town where your commutes are equal. At least at that point you'd both be in driving distance of your friends and networks and work places.

City, yeahhhh!

I should add I grew up in a city and moved to the country. I love it but I am aware there are lots of negatives too esp if you don't enjoy living in more rural locations.

Move to the city, if the relationship doesn't work out you will be better placed to pick yourself and move on. Undercoverbanana has just described my ideal relationship/ life, I would kill for that deal!

You moved across the country, gave up your entire social & cultural life and the cheeky fucker won't move in with you? Sorry OP, I know you say you want a future with him, but he sounds monumentally selfish.

Maybe you're not well suited OP.

Making you live where you live (because he wants to live in home town) sounds like abuse to me.

I don't see that moving to the city suburbs is a solution. It means that you both have to give up your ideal scenario, it's a lose/lose.

Ultimatum time methinks!
Good luck OP 🍀

I'm in Australia, where the city/regional town issues are magnified, and I know of four couples with the basic problem you describe. In every case, it's the bloke who wants, and has, the small town/regional hankerings fulfilled, while the woman is gagging to live in the Melbs, wear black all winter and have a culturally fulfilled existence.

Move to the city.

I'm just supposed to find a way to make this work for me, whilst spending a lot of time with HIS network, etc. This is the nub of it for me. It doesn't matter how great your relationship is - it's only working while you fit in with him which is not a recipe for happy-ever-after. For some people it wouldn't be a problem - they'd live anywhere to be with the man they love - you can already see this is not the case for you. I think you should move to the city and see what happens - maybe you'll miss each other so much you'll find a compromise you are both happy with, maybe you'll grow apart and meet someone else. My feeling is that if he's 34, lives in the village he was born in and has set up his own business there he's not planning on going anywhere.

He's selfish, and the reason you are tying yourself in KNOTS trying not to see it like this is because you are still in the 'in love with him' stage.

You've moved heaven and earth and he won't even move in with you so he can tell himself he's still somehow young and footloose even though he spends every night at yours.

There will come a point at which the pendulum will tilt enough towards the 'he's selfish' realisation and away from the 'he's really decent!' worldview and you'll also start seeing how BORING he seems to be.

So move to the city now and see if that gives him a jolt. If it doesn't, I predict you will move on at some point and be much happier.

As someone else said, the suburban solution is a lose-lose. He'd be back in the village all the time, you'd be in the city, you'd both be resentful, suburbia is if anything more stifling than small town, and all for the sake of saving an extra 20 min three or four times a week (or fewer as there are two of you). Plus then the marriage and kids option looms over everything.
Move to the city. The suburbs can wait for when you are both ready for them.

You can't stay where you are, from what you've said it's going to be creative/professional death to you. You're pretty flexible but it's not true that you can work just anywhere, it's clear you need to live in or very near to a city to do the work you do.

Suburbia might work but what worries me is that you have been taking it on yourself to figure out the solutions that work for both of you while he is either taking or leaving your suggestions and not making any effort to help find something that works out for the two of you. You are acting as if you have more invested in this relationship than he does (which may or may not be true)

Stop trying to fix things for him and second-guessing how he would react. Tell him what you know is right for you (a move nearer the city, with him or without) and if the relationship is right then the two of you will find a way to make it work. Are kids on the cards? If so when? Is this a conversation you have had with him? Maybe he is assuming that when you are ready you will have children, get married and live together near to his work. Or maybe he has not really thought about children at all, or only as some vague future thing not as a real practical idea in the next few years.

It sounds as if you need to have some serious and open conversations about each of your hopes and plans, and to listen to what each other want and expect. You might be heading in different directions.

Agree with pp about suburbia. It's not going to fulfill you if it's a city life you're after; it'll bore you to tears.

Are you listening to yourself op?
He has made no sacrifices at all.

Yeh just chiming in with the others here. You have made a compromise already (a big one) and it hasn't worked for you. If you raise that with him he's either going to GET IT and make a compromise himself to equal things out.... Or he's going to be uncompromising and you'll have a lot of answers right there, quicker.......

He doesn't need a crash pad if he agrees to your solution. He will be 20 mins away. Waste of time and money. Why do you think he needs a crash paD, Sunday lunch at his mums or whatever doesn't need a crash pad does it? It's not a solution at all really, and again, it's all about you making sacrifices for him and his family/ friends.

Just move to the city and get on with your life. I bet it's always you going back anyway if you do. If he is spending every night at yours why don't you live together after a year? is he contributing financially to your bills?

Honestly? I think you should move to the city and see if he suggests the happy compromise. Why are you doing all the work in this relationship?

I say this as someone who lives where her DH has roots and a network and who has never properly settled but I really can't see him ever moving. So I've had to learn to live with it. Do I resent it? Sometimes yes - he kept exactly his life as before we met, I changed everything. But I am by far the more adaptable one so was prepared to suck it up, buttercup.

Summerswallow - you're right, and I can actually see myself living quite happily that way.

FizzyGreenWater - You have a point. I already do feel like he's being a bit selfish. We had a long conversation the other night because he felt I was being 'passive-aggressive' on our way to his friends' house. He was right, I was, and that isn't good, but at the same time I was like - you understand why, right? To make things worse, his friends aren't that interested in me. They're nice people, but I don't really get any questions or anything like that. It's all me starting conversations with them, asking them how they are re X/Y/Z. I've been asked two questions about me in a year of living here. I remember because I was so surprised at actually being asked these two questions.

And I think you're spot on about 'feeling young and footloose'. But at the same time, after a long talk we finally hit upon why it is he was reluctant to move in together, etc. He said: "To be honest, I'm worried that we'll move in and you'll end up being bored".

travailtotravel Do you ever regret 'sucking it up' then?

lavenderhoney It's 40 minutes one way. The reason I mention 'crash pad' is three times a week he'll close up at 10:30pm and then need to be back in the shop for 9am. I thought maybe the 'crash pad' thing would be useful in that two or three nights a week he wouldnt have the commute.

He doesn't want to move in together

This is a critical thing OP. For me, this says it all really. How can you envisage a life, marriage, children, home together with someone who doesn't want to live with you full-time?

This is a holding relationship, not a 'forever' one. Move to the city and forge the life you want for you.

My DD split up with her boyfriend eventually over an issue like this. She couldn't stand living in the smaller town with him a moment longer and hankered after the city (which is where she worked and had a long commute to). She realised he would never change and it was causing so much friction she just had to split with him.

I think for you OP you need to be true to yourself and to move to the city. Then time will tell if your relationship can withstand this and maybe a compromise can be reached. I fear your creativity will be stifled living in the town you are in currently.