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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
JustDontGetItAtAll · 19/08/2017 02:02

PLEASE CALL THE POLICE!!!! For the sake of your children.....

WellThisIsShit · 19/08/2017 02:03

Of course once you've shown any interest in sexual activity of any kind in the past, a woman had then given a lifetimes worth of consent. Because that's sensible. 1for you just need to change a few laws and take away a woman's right to own her own body and mind, and your post will made perfect sense.

Until then off you pop, rape apologist.

NameChange30 · 19/08/2017 02:09

Please stop harassing the OP to call the police, people.
If she doesn't want to call the police right now, that's ok.
She is planning to go to a SARC in the morning, which means that evidence will be taken, giving her the option to report if that's what she decides to do, and crucially she will also get some support and advice which will help her to start processing what happened and decide what to do.

NameChange30 · 19/08/2017 02:10

(Obviously if you feel that you are in danger OP you do need to call the police immediately.)

SingingSeuss · 19/08/2017 02:10

I hope you are getting some rest op and that you are safe. No means no and whatever you decide to do regarding your rape a line has been crossed and he knows it. It will be very difficult to get the trust back even if you wanted to. This isn't your fault and please don't let anyone insinuate otherwise Flowers

elfies · 19/08/2017 02:14

Please stay safe x
Good luck in the morning , I hope the centre gives you good advice and addresses for further help .

PickingOakum · 19/08/2017 02:21

On a bit of a different note, op.

Am I right in thinking you had anal sex, he went for a cigarette break, and then you had vaginal sex? Did he wash his penis or change a condom in between the two acts?

Reason I ask is that it is a rather bad idea to have vaginal sex after anal, unless you've changed the condom or the man has had a very good wash. You risk transferring bacteria from the anal sex into your vagina.

If this is the case, then I'd keep an eye on your vaginal health for a week or so. Any strange discharge or cystitis, and you should probably pop to your GP.

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2017 04:07

This is soooo not about sex. This WAS about him finding out how far he could abuse you without you putting a stop to it.

He knows he went too far, so he is trying to make You the bad guy here.

Please call your Mum, I understand you said she isn't well.

I Am a Mum of an adult DD. I am also unwell and disabled.
There has been times I've dropped and 'ran*' to her because she needed me. even at 3 AM

Please Please Please call your Mum, You need her now

  • wobbled/hobbled as quick as I could

(((((((((((((( Massive Mega Hugs)))))))))))))))

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2017 04:09

PickingOakum I agree, not a good idea at all. makes for all kinds of health in that area problems

TheRugbyValkyrie · 19/08/2017 04:45

Azerothian, I sincerely hope that you are asleep, getting some much needed rest from the turmoil I'm sure is going on in your mind.
Stay safe, hug your dc's and call your Mum in the morning (later this morning!), so you have support.
Please ignore the ignorant statements from a couple of previous posters. What happened WAS rape. The important thing now is to look after you, in which ever way you feel.
Many more hugs for you.

Consideringbeingamom · 19/08/2017 05:50

He's hurt you physically and mentally regardless of what end of the rape spectrum this is, but it surely would be deemed as rape. He's ruined your relationship there and then, for good. Can you ask him to move out? Definitely a zero tolerance situation. He may do it again. What a creep. Good luck OP, hope you can turn to loved ones for support x

dowhatyouwish · 19/08/2017 05:57

He sounds terrible. Whether you were quiet or not he clearly heard you. I wouldn't stay with someone who has no respect for my words and without being too dramatic I would say he has raped you - you said no.

LastSummer · 19/08/2017 06:25

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TheRugbyValkyrie · 19/08/2017 06:33

LastSummer - it doesn't didn't read as though the OP was sending mixed messages at all. She agreed to sex, but clearly said, more than once, no more anal sex. This was rape.
Your post is bordering in victim blaming.
The OP's partner massively overstepped any and all boundaries and raped someone he is supposed to love.

Mumofazoo · 19/08/2017 06:49

I hope you're ok this morning op. Big hugs Flowers

ChuffCloud · 19/08/2017 07:03

1for you really need to watch the cup of tea consent video posted earlier in the thread.

Hope you managed to get some sleep OP Flowers

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 07:08

Morning, I can't believe I slept but I did. It feels a bit surreal, like it couldn't possibly have happened.

I've been swinging again, wanting to shove it all down and pretend it didn't happen and thinking I'll be laughed out of the centre because it couldn't possibly have been rape.

I've re-read the thread though and I know 100% he heard me say no repeatedly and also I told him the reason I was saying no. I also know that how he reacted to me crying is not remotely how a loving partner would act, as much as I will it otherwise. I know he's hurt me and I'm in pain.

I can hear him snoring in the box room. I'm going to get the dc ready now as quietly as I can and just go. I can think about it at mums.

OP posts:
picklemepopcorn · 19/08/2017 07:12

Go to the centre. They will understand. It will help you process what has happened.

Mumofazoo · 19/08/2017 07:13

That sounds like a good plan Azerothian I think you are doing the right thing for yourself and your dc. As you said yourself he is not behaving how a loving partner would behave. My thoughts are with you today. Be strong Flowers

WelshMoth · 19/08/2017 07:15

Hope you've managed some sleep OP.

The banging around with cupboards was done to try and get your attention - he hoped you'd tell him to quieten down thus he could then get your attention.

I'm thinking he wanted you to tell him that it was all fine; that it wasn't rape (it was), that you should have protested louder (he heard you), he wanted your reassurance and that you were making a fuss.

He's now annoyed at you for not making the situation better, or normal again.

He knows he raped you. I reckon he's frightened now; he knew you said no, he knew you froze.

That said, He's now angry with you for making him feel this way. He wants you to minimise it, to become a rape apologist i.e "It's not your fault, I should have done this...shouldn't have done that... " bollocks.

He's not very nice.

Your thoughts were cartwheeling last night because part of your brain is trying to minimise this. Only you can decide how to press forward. Only you will know if this man is genuine, and has learned, and is sorry. Only you will know whether he's lining you up to do the same again in future.

I'm so sorry this has happened OP and I'm sending you strength for the time ahead Flowers

OnTheRise · 19/08/2017 07:16

I hope you're ok, Azero. And that you get out safely. Good luck for today. You really didn't deserve being treated in the way he's treated you.

WelshMoth · 19/08/2017 07:17

Cross post. I'm such a slow typist Blush

JustMumNowNotMe · 19/08/2017 07:24

Just pack the kids a change of clothes in a bag and put them in the car as they are, don't hang around there getting them ready if its even a possibility he will wake up. Get yourself out of there as quickly as possible.

You need to copy those texts and send them to someone you trust because he will likely try to delete them from your phone once it dawns on him you are going to report him.

I'm so sorry this has happened to you Flowers

Huffletuff · 19/08/2017 07:27

I hope you manage to get out and to the center this morning, OP.

BTPlonker · 19/08/2017 07:28

Glad to see you managed to get some sleep! Don't beat yourself up for freezing. It is a totally normal reaction, and not under your control. When you are under threat like that your body goes into survival mode, and instinct takes over. All the fault here lies with him for raping you. I hope you can get to your Mums this morning, and get the support you need. If you do decide to call the police it will be taken seriously, and there is no way on this earth anyone will think you are wasting their time!

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