Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 39 40

Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

scoobydoo1971 · 19/08/2017 01:03

The OP must decide the best course of action for herself and her family. I would just like to add that she should see a GP next week. If you have anal sex and then vaginal, and then anal...there is a possibility of contamination/ infection. I know from previous experience of bacterial vaginosis that non-consenting, non-protected anal sex can transfer all sorts of bacteria...including e-coli...to the front causing a lot of symptoms. A course of antibiotics can prevent pelvic inflammation.

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 01:05

How are you doing OP?

timeisnotaline · 19/08/2017 01:05

People call the police when they don't feel safe. This is accepted behaviour and one of their roles in society. I ask you again crowdo , is this how you behave when you feel safe?

IslandBambini · 19/08/2017 01:06

Who's winding her up @Crowdo? If I'm one of those 'wind up merchants' that you are talking about, than you're wrong and I only suggested what I was thinking given the information OP wrote.

And OP said she had already blocked the door not on anyone's suggestion but of her own thoughts on how she feels in regards to her safety.

Anyway, I think the majority of us replying on this thread are thinking of her in the hopes she is safe etc and not using this as 'late night entertainment', well I'm not.

Crowdo · 19/08/2017 01:06

No, I'm not a rapist boyfriend secretly posting from downstairs. What a ludicrous, and again, needlessly dramatic, idea.

This is someone's life. Give her some breathing space.

Fudgit · 19/08/2017 01:07

Nobody is baying for blood Crowdo and I seriously question either your judgment or your good intentions, your posts are really striking an off note. The OP needs to do what is right for her and needs to be 100% clear that the police are there to support and protect her if she wants to call them.

HelenaDove · 19/08/2017 01:07

Not ludicrous or over dramatic Its happened on here before.

JD360 · 19/08/2017 01:09

Been following your post. How are you feeling about it all now? And I hope that you managed to get out without him going off on one or trying to make you feel guilty x

JD360 · 19/08/2017 01:11

Manage not managed sorry fort time posting

JiminyBillyBob · 19/08/2017 01:17

He's a very bad man.

PossibiliTea · 19/08/2017 01:22

Really good advice so far nothing to add sorry just hoping you are safe stay strong and just know he is the one in the wrong and when it comes to rape there is no such thing as overreacting.

MirriVan · 19/08/2017 01:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

PrincessPlod · 19/08/2017 01:28

Hugs to you OP. Yes it's rape, he knows it's rape and is now trying to down play it and make out no one believe you. He is wrong they will. Going to the SARC is a brilliant idea that way no evidence is lost whilst you decide what to do and more importantly you get any medical help and counselling. You are a strong person as you've told us what has happened so you are strong enough to take the next step...get rid of him.

User02 · 19/08/2017 01:34

Do you have your phone charger in the bedroom with you? You need to be careful that you dont run out of battery.
Is your house detached? If not could neighbours confirm banging noises.
The main thing is yours and the DD and DS safety. If you were any where near me I would come over a stand outside till you got police to come out and free you from this horrible creature.
Changing the locks tomorrow is necessary

ActualMermaid · 19/08/2017 01:37

Such good advice on this thread so far, I don't really have a lot to add except that I really hope you are being kind and gentle with yourself. Let yourself feel everything that you need to feel. There is no right or wrong way to process something like this, every emotion you have is valid. Don't let him warp them.

Hope you manage to get some sleep tonight.

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 01:40

Hi OP, hopefully you're getting some sleep. I was raped too 8 years ago, and I froze, just like you did. I didn't even say no (although I was asleep when it started), I just went into shock and froze. It wasn't until I studied rape at uni earlier this year that I even recognised what had happened as being rape.

Don't want to put you off going to a SARC but if you did decide to try and get him charged with rape, because the system is still so shitty, there's every chance that the CPS would refuse to take it to court, on the basis that you had just consented to anal sex a few minutes earlier, and you were in a relationship. Those things absolutely shouldn't matter, but unfortunately they do in a lot of cases. So probably, the most important thing you can do is get some support for yourself, through a rape crisis centre or similar, and get your head straight about what you are going to do about him in terms of your relationship, those are probably the most pressing issues. But like you said, going to a SARC may not be a bad plan as it keeps your options open at this point.

Take care of yourself.

1forAll74 · 19/08/2017 01:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

OlennasWimple · 19/08/2017 01:43

No means no

End of

I'd call the police, but I know that's easy to say.

OlennasWimple · 19/08/2017 01:44

1forAll - that's not true in any way, shape or form

Which bit of "no means no" is difficult for you?

WildBelle · 19/08/2017 01:48

1for - you're talking bollocks.

Hidingtonothing · 19/08/2017 01:52

Jesus 1for, the recent ad campaign about consent has well and truly passed you by hasn't it? No sexual partner should ever ignore 'no' or 'stop' and one of you being sore or in pain should prompt concern and care not a selfish continuation of something which hurts your partner. What had gone before is immaterial, sex is meant to be a mutual activity, not one where one partners selfishness causes the other pain and distress. Honestly what is wrong with you? Your attitude belongs in the dark ages.

TashaRomanoff · 19/08/2017 01:53

1ForAll Are you serious? Rape is rape. You can say yes to sex and half way through say no, if after no they carry on its rape. Be safe OP I hope you find the right solution for you and don't give in to the rapist.

BastardGoDarkly · 19/08/2017 01:58

Oh op, this is so sad.

I hope you're asleep now.

In the morning, listen hard for any movement before you open the door, if you hear any, ring your mum to come round then.

I'm so sorry, he's a fucking shit

BastardGoDarkly · 19/08/2017 01:59

Fuck off. 1for will you?

NameChange30 · 19/08/2017 02:02

I'm so sorry that he raped you
He is clearly abusive and he is already trying to blame you. But it is not your fault in any way. He and only he is responsible for his behaviour.

You don't have to do anything right this second. Please don't beat yourself up for not wanting to call the police immediately. I think going to a SARC in the morning is the best thing you could do, and I'm so glad you've found one near you and plan to go.

You're doing well to ignore his texts, btw. Stay strong and keep ignoring them. Incidentally, if you do decide to report him (and you don't have to decide just yet), those texts can be included as evidence of his guilt. So if it's difficult reading them, that knowledge might be some comfort to you?

If you want to talk to someone, you could call Women's Aid on 0808 2000 247 (24h helpline).

Lastly, here's a link you might find helpful:
www.hiddenhurt.co.uk/sexual_abuse.html

Flip

1 2 ··· 7 8 9 ··· 39 40

Swipe left for the next trending thread