Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP if you do decide to go to a sarc centre or the police, or even do it meanwhile whilst you decide;

Keep any clothes you were wearing but put them in a paper bag or wrap in newspaper - NOT a plastic bag.

Don't wash if you can help it. If you go to the toilet, keep the used loo roll and also keep a seperate piece of the old loo roll, again in newspaper or a paper bag.

Plastic bags will sweat away the evidence. Might be worth doing even if you aren't sure how you want to proceed yet just incase you do decide to go to the police.

For what it's worth, if you had rung in last night, with him still there banging about, it would of been graded as a top priority - I'm a police call taker. I hope you're ok

step away from this thread and and speak to a professional help line only you know how you feel . These people will help you process your thought and feelings .You are going through every emotion and other peoples opinions will cloud your judgement .You need to think straight and work out how you feel and what you want to do good luck and take care

Op I've just read your thread and I really hope you get to your mums as soon as possible. Whether you chose to go down the police reporting route or not I really would encourage you to leave this man. He is not safe and I worry this will escalate if you stay. Please let us know when you are safe.

I'm now at mums. I literally just picked the dc up and got in the car. I didn't even pack a bag, mum has some clothes here and I can go to the shop for nappies etc. Dd thought it was a hilarious game, said is thankfully too young to really understand.

I'm in the toilet. I know when I go out of here I'll have to tell mum. While I'm in here it's still not 'happened' as far as the rest of the world is concerned. I'm building myself up to it.

So sorry this happened to you,make sure you keep all his texts as proof he knows he raped you and showed no remote. xx

*Remorse

So pleased you've got some RL support.
Good luck for today- whatever you decide to do.

Really glad you're out of the house. You've fond a good job there of keeping yourself and your kids safe. Hope all goes well today.

I'm glad you're at your Mum's.

So glad you're at your mums OP. some great advice on here. Think you've been really strong.

Lastsummer - how on earth did the OP send mixed messages? She clearly said no to him and he knows it. Consent to one act, moments before, is not consent to all future acts. Please don't talk bollocks.

OP make sure those texts don't automatically delete as new ones come through,my phone does that.

So sorry this has happened to you OP.
I know exactly what you mean by wanting to pretend it just never happened, trying to gloss it over. I've tried to do that, it doesn't work. The hurt and anger eats you up it twists you into something you are not.
You know what you need to do, but that can wait for now. Just let your mum love you and hug you. Drink lots of sweet tea and eat some biscuits. Can you nap at your mums and she watches your children? I find crying/pain makes me exhausted.
Keep posting if you need to OP, everyone is here to help

Op stay strong.

He raped you. You dont want him near the kids. He is a rapist.

I hope you feel that you can speak to the police. You need this on record. He is a rapisy and emotionally abuses your child.

I'm glad you're safe and away from him. Now you can decide, in as much time as you like, what to do.

Glad you're safe at your mums OP. What a vile, rapist bastard your P is thinking of you x

I've just gone into the garden to call the centre, it's at the hospital that is only five minutes away from mums apparently so that's good.

The woman on the phone was so nice, I told her I didn't know if it was proper 'rape' and she was so reassuring that it did. I know it really but it was good to hear someone else say it out loud.

She's going to call back with an appointment for today once she's found a doctor.

I'm pleased you are at your mums. Take this at your own pace.

I've been where you are. I didn't inform the police until months later because I didn't feel I'd be believed as the man who raped me was my husband. I was believed. The police were very supportive.

Well done, OP

You are amazingly strong. I know you don't feel it now, but that phone call, you are incredible for making it. It's so so hard, and so many of us didn't and haven't.

Have you spoken to your mum?

Good luck, OP and I am sorry this has happened to you

Well done OP for staying strong and being brave. Sorry it happened to you.

Excellent news. Might be worth also tracking down names of a couple of solicitors locally - you want space, therefore he needs to vacate your home so you can can have that. I imagine a "leave or I'll show your texts to the bizzies" should suffice to get him out, but good to have plans for all eventualities!

Didn't want to leave without offering support.

stay safe xxx