Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
violicorn · 22/08/2017 20:07

Nothing is wrong with you. You're fighting two sides of yourself - one to keep the boat unrocked and the other - real - side - that's right and knows it.

Keep strong. You're an inspiration, my lovely. You've been through a bloody shock so don't beat yourself up

violicorn · 22/08/2017 20:08

Please excuse my repeating of words and typos

Original poster
Azerothian · 22/08/2017 20:11

Thank you violicorn

I don't intend to give up this new happiness that we seem to have found. That's just really thrown me.

When I think of the grumpiness and the sneering and the sarcasm I hate that I stayed so long. When I think of friday night I feel sick and full of rage. I definitely don't want that back.

So why did I temporarily want that back? It was like a craving.

OP posts:
Desmondo2016 · 22/08/2017 20:19

Because it's always easier to stay. No matter whether it's pphysical abuse, sexual or just fallen out of love. It's always easier to stay. The quitting smoking is a good analogy.

Original poster
Azerothian · 22/08/2017 20:22

Well I quit smoking.

And the cigarettes were far kinder to me.

It took about a year for the cravings for a ciggie to go. I'll beat myself up if I still want him back in August 2018!

OP posts:
Trb17 · 22/08/2017 20:27

I think the analogy is quite apt... cigarettes will slowly kill you. Doesn't stop you missing them when you've got rid.

Be kind to yourself and allow these feelings to not set you back but count each time it ever happens as one less craving ticked off the list. They will end eventually.

You're doing great and I'm very proud of you Flowers

WhatWouldGenghisDo · 22/08/2017 20:30

Really missing someone you've been in a long or intimate or emotionally charged relationship with is just a sign that you have a normally functioning attachment system. It's not necessarily related to how positive the actual relationship was - it can happen to survivors of hostage situations etc as well.

Missing him and grieving for aspects of the relationship are an inevitable part of separating from him and moving on. It will come and go for a while. Let it all happen and don't beat yourself up Flowers

greencarbluecar · 22/08/2017 20:34

Is it the real him you miss, though? Or is it the person you thought he was, the one he sold himself to you as?

There's nothing wrong with you. You only left a couple of days ago! Your whole life has turned in the space of hours. You might have pangs until August 2018, but I'm pretty confident that those pangs will be for the man you thought he was, not the one he really is, and the family life you thought you'd have, not the one you got. Whatever happens, don't be angry with yourself. This is all on him.

BertieBotts · 22/08/2017 20:39

Yes cigarettes are a great analogy actually. Right down to if you let him in even a tiny bit it makes it so much harder to stay away for good!

Original poster
Azerothian · 22/08/2017 20:39

Thank you. Slightly embarrassed I shared that stupidity here but I wanted to put everything down, warts and all.

And cheesy as hell but this is the song I listened to when I broke up with my very first boyfriend. It's still helpful. See if you can tell how young I was Grin

m.youtube.com/watch?v=uZrg3hhntQY

OP posts:
PoorYorick · 22/08/2017 20:40

It means you're normal. He would have been nice to you sometimes when it suited him, nobody is awful ALL the time or nobody would ever stay. Also, as someone said, you're missing the person you thought he was and hoped he was. It's normal, and you are amazing not to have succumbed to it.

Original poster
Azerothian · 22/08/2017 20:44

It's cheesy music winning the night for me.

m.youtube.com/watch?v=xlet6TMM4PQ

OP posts:
keeponworking · 22/08/2017 21:27

What you'll find Azero is there'll be an initial realisation and understanding of how things really are and why your brain (and therefore you) reacted like you did, and how to move away from that.

Then still, years after, you'll keep having little lightbulb moments and you'll think 'oh yeah, that's what that was about!'. It won't be what you thought at the time, but something quite different to how you felt about it at the time. Because your brain's have three choices, not two (this is the biggest and most inaccurately perpetuated myth going!) that it's fight or flight. It's not. There's also 'do nothing' (think nightclub shooting - you can run if it's safe, you can fight them if it's safe, or you can do nothing if that's the safest thing to do).

I wasn't abused as a child but saw a lot of arguments between my mum and dad which have left me with lifelong anxiety (even though they weren't violent or anything) but I know now that a lot of how I reacted to a previous partner's manipulation was this 'do nothing' response, and that's entirely normal. I think it takes a while to get out of that and it's at it's most basic, a two stage process.

And you are doing great with stage 1!! From experience, don't be drawn in when he starts being nice. Keeping total distance from him for at least a full month is the way forward for now. Remove him, plan how to move on initially, don't engage. If you have to, have people with you or record it or ask for it to be done by email/thru a solicitor. This all reduces the risk of your falling for his poor little me act (not meant as an insult to you OP, at all - it's just the cycle and as you've already said, you hadn't realised how cut off you'd become) which can only be positive.

NotTheFordType · 22/08/2017 21:27

Bless you love, you are not missing him, you are grieving what you thought you had and his positive qualities.

You are doing really well. Keep being you.

MotherOfBeagles · 22/08/2017 21:29

Someone I used to know by gotye is a good one to turn up full blast and sing at the top of your lungs when feeling shit. Not a massive fan of the song itself but it came out when I split with my ex and something about shouting it helped lol. Also anything from the Foo Fighters Echoes, silence, patience and grace is bloody brilliant to belt out.

You've done brilliantly OP I've been lurking since your first post and keeping an eye on your updates. Seriously you deserve a medal! Stay strong and enjoy and revel in the happy feelings!

TheMaddHugger · 23/08/2017 03:36

good suggestion beagles

TheMaddHugger · 23/08/2017 03:42

Parody, good for a smile Azerothian

Ima star wars geek. Disney Ruined it totally

TheMaddHugger · 23/08/2017 03:49

and This is just a song I love

TheMaddHugger · 23/08/2017 04:28

another fave. Sorry, these have nothing to do with power sog, just funnies I like

tiredvommachine · 23/08/2017 05:57

@TheMaddhugger, I've often seen your posts on various threads and you're ace. Don't ever change.

OP, you're doing fantastic. Koko Flowers

HettySunshine · 23/08/2017 07:27

Morning Azero, I hope you've had a nice sleep. How're you doing this morning and how are the dc? Xx

BellaNoche · 23/08/2017 07:45

Morning A. and morning all!
Hope all ok xx

ohamIreally · 23/08/2017 07:52

Hi Azerothian good morning Star hope you're doing ok. Just a suggestion but you might want to start a new thread today so that we can stay with you. Will check in on you later.

WellThisIsShit · 23/08/2017 10:56

Hope you're ok-ish today. Flowers

Liiinoo · 23/08/2017 11:40

I posted on this on Friday not long after your OP. I have been away so not on MN for a few days and I am now awestruck by how far you have come in such a short space of time. It will be hard and you will inevitably have some low times but it comes across very clearly that you are freeing yourself and your DCs from a very toxic presence. Well done and very best wishes for the future.