Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

I haven't blocked his mums number yet, any further texts he sends from there I will just save and stick with the others.

Another thing I hadn't noticed. I'd stopped listening to any music that wasn't to his taste, he'd throw a disgusted look when I used to put mine on.

My ex did this. I always felt like his approval was special to me. If I picked the right things he loved it and would then show warmth and tenderness towards me. But it was never reciprocated post children.

Ground control to OP. Once you're fully flying, never come to land.

Everyone else is sending such wonderful advice I just wanted to send some support today.

It's the way he said "we'll be here to support you" too. Like he's the same as we are. Made my skin crawl and it's actually beyond offensive for him to insinuate he's coming from the same place as rape survivors and other people who aren't rape apologists.

Welcome to the rest of your lives Azero. May they be filled with music and dancing every day

Still looking in.... but it is on and off ...as I am also playing pirates got a bit of a riot going on over the "treasure" aka the charity shops finest jewels...

Just a couple on this thread to be made to walk the plank...
Just keep pressing "report" me hearties... Sending me parrot to constantly say "eff off "to certain quarters...

I'm sure the mods have clocked the apologists..don't let them derail the thread.

Azero.. glad you are finding the links helpful. Friends here are dropping stuff in based on what you can manage/need to be aware of as things go on. He is using his mums phone also to text? Ugh!

I think it is a fantastic thread.

Steady as you go...sailing for rough seas perhaps... but calmer waters beyond xx

Just had a call from the centre, I've got an appointment next week with a lady from ROSA and another one a week after that for the sexual health check up.

She's going to give me some more information on what a police vehicle claim would involve.

@Azerothian please to hear you've been enjoying some of YOUR music. God they are all the sa,e aren't they. So controlling in the most insidious ways, so disapproving and condescending. I remember once putting a-ha on and being vilified. We were only allowed ska and punk, most of which I just endured. What a tool he was.
Anyway, just try to ignore the pathetic text designed only to disturb, and ignore that twaddle you know who says it means. Yawn. What the text tells us about him is that he is an absolute cunt who will stop at nothing to wreck your head and make you think you are the one with the problem.

Apologies for the crap cut and paste of your earlier post but this .......

*I do have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I'd love to just skip past the whole months ahead pantomime of:

'I love you so much, really lots and lots. I'm so sorry.'

'I'll do anything, please don't do this.'

'What do you mean you don't want me? Think of the children'

'Oh it wasn't even that bad'

'You fucking bitch'

I just know that's what I've got in front of me.*

Is EXACTLY what I would get if I went back to my ex. I would stake my life on it. Which he would finish off ruining of course.

I'm sat eating a big bag of rolos on the sofa watching cartoons with my little boy. His father is texting me this morning saying I would find he is a changed man. Erm, I think I'll err on the side of caution / sanity and say I'll agree to disagree.

We aren't pirates here today, but apparently I am Maui from Moana

lollipop7 they are carbon copies aren't they.

It's amazing what you start noticing when the fog lifts a little.

I'm so happy to hear that you and your DC are reclaiming your home! And that the thread has been helpful to you.

You know, my stereo has been unplugged for what seems like forever. I think today might be the day it goes on...

oooh Moana is good.. might try that as the next one.

There's a strong smell of poo where I am.. though it was someone on the thread but I think it's a 3D jobby here.

Good you have some appointments through... positive stuff. No one will rush you into anything you don't want to do.

will peek on later.x

@ lolli and others .. hugs to you, xxxxx

All good stuff, OP. You will have all the information and support you need. Moana is great.

Another text.

'I'm so so sorry, I never meant to hurt you. I worship you Azerothian. I will sort myself out I promise and give you time and space.'

How magnanimous of him, giving me time and space.

I may switch to my old SIM card, that way the texts will be there for future possible evidence but they won't be bothering me. And I don't have to sit on my hands to prevent me from replying.

Do you know what's really infuriating me. He's filling these texts with tons of fucking 😭😭😭😭😭😭 emojis. It's irrationally making me furious, like he's taking the piss. I don't want to waste anymore of my valuable new freedom of thought on that complete bastard.

And...breathe.

He's never used emojis before for anything.

A song for you

Thank you TheChampagneGalop

Playlist is getting longer by the second 😊

Look how much you've changed already OP. Think of how much Play Doh and dancing fun you've been having without him.

😠

God this all sounds so familiar. Never ceases to amaze me how they're all the same. Wait for it, if he carries on the same way mine and various others I've heard of did it'll be this, begging you give to give it one more try (again), then when you don't give in you'll be accused of all sorts and he'll try to find ways to punish you, possibly with some attempts to call your bluff first.

Also don't be alone with him, ever. I'm sure you know that and I don't want to scare you but I didn't actually find out until it was too late that leaving is the most dangerous time, because they feel their control slipping. Even if he's never hit you etc before (and let's face it we know he's capable of violence, he raped you and bruised you), don't assume he won't get violent.

But back to happier things. I'm about to turn the music on and up, in your honour

Nice of him to give you time and space by continually messaging you! What a Twat!

Using other sim card might be a good idea, he is getting a bit worried about the sound of silence... he is total and utter scum.

About this play list...

I'm sorry ....but I will have to sit outside if anyone plays " I will survive"

Other than that... play on...

You know you were thinking of going back to college maybe or retraining?.. Just to say I did that later when out of my stuff. Best thing I ever did for myself...

You could do whatever... there is always someone here who would be able to give advice if needed.

And there are good and kind and decent men out there amongst the low life....

Everything in good time though...

Keep the texts!! They are evidence ! He doesn't need to have 'finished' when he has admitted you 'said no quietly'