Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

I think it will be good for you if you can report it. Just incase there ever comes a time he does take you to court for joint custody. You have been so strong, I'm seriously in awe at how you have been

SIM cards have been switched over. I'm definitely keeping all the texts, but at least this was they aren't bothering me and I'm not on edge waiting for the next one.

Yes turn the music up! 🎶

This may be bias but the dc seem more relaxed and happy. I don't know whether that's because I am or whether they were being affected by the low level nit picking much more than I'd realised.

Dd is talking non stop it's such a pleasure.

I would never allow myself to be alone or in the same street if I can help it with him. I've been reading that 'why does he do that' and have gotten on to the quite concerning part about break ups.

It fits in though. We'd been discussing the previous split earlier that day. I may get an alarm (or train the cat to bark).

don't be alone with him, ever

This. Err on the side of caution for now OP, and take precautions if e.g. he wants contact with the kids.

In other respects it's great to hear that you are shaking him off so quickly and thoroughly

Cross-post!

I don't think it's bias or accident that your children seem happy. They are more aware and absorb much more than people tend to realise. I bet they are loving the newly relaxed atmosphere in their home, with a mum who is already more relaxed and happy - I know it's not all rainbows as you struggle with what's happened, but you are certainly sounding as if you are reclaiming you

(Will his infuriating messages help to persuade you to report to the police, I wonder?!)

I think it will be good for you if you can report it. Just incase there ever comes a time he does take you to court for joint custody.

Not to put pressure on you in the slightest by piling in, but from what I know now, I agree with this.

Any texts he sends to the other number will be stored for a period of time at the MMS centre and when you put the sun card back in they will then arrive to the phone, check with the service provider how long until they are deleted from the server.
Wishing you well xxx

It may be worth thinking about how likely he might to to try and use the the DC to exert control over you. Do think he is likely just to back away and start on some else or is he likely to stay around and use contact with kids as a way of manipulating contact with you? He may of course do both. Legal advice would tell you the most effective way to protect yourself and your DC in the longer term.

Is he texting or WhatsApping, and does it make a difference with regard to storing the messages as evidence?

Another song recommendation- I don't think anyone else has suggested it.

You're doing great OP

Conviction rates are poor, but I think the chances would be very very high in your case, from what you've put.

In your case

• you left very shortly afterwards and made a complaint the next morning. Many women take far longer than this to report what happened.
• you have a contemporaneous account of it, showing your state of mind at the time. Most don't.
• you have injuries which have been recorded. Most either don't have injuries or no evidence of them.
• most importantly, the text messages, which from what you've shown us of them are very, very damning. He's admitted it in writing. If doesn't get much clearer evidence than that.

What you've got to be a run mind is firstly, in most rape cases it's one word against another, so it's hard for a jury to be sure. In your case, you've got a huge amount of evidence, and it's only if he denies it that it goes to trial. It's going to be very difficult for him to deny it, given he's admitted it repeatedly by text.

• another reason why the conviction rate is low, isn't usually talked about, because some people could see it as victim blaming. But it's not, and it's important for you to know. In a lot of cases of rape or domestic violence, the victim either changes his or her mind, and no longer supports the protection, or doesn't attend trial. If the victim doesn't give evidence, then the perpetrator can't really be convicted (practically speaking), because there's no evidence without her.

So although the stats aren't great, they include cases where there is far, far less evidence than in your case, and cases where there never got to be a trial because the victim didn't want to pursue to pursue it in the end.

Short if the whole thing being filmed, I'm not sure how it could be a stronger case. You don't have to report it obviously, but if you choose not to, don't let it be because you are concerned about conviction rates.

Won't he need to contact you about the children at some point?

Timefortea, he can do that in writing via solicitors. There's no need for him to speak to the OP directly in that (or any) regard.

I've just read through this whole thing and am in awe of you OP. I wish I'd been as strong when similar happened to me. You really are amazing.

Please make sure you have print outs of those texts though in case the sim deletes or corrupts . You can just put in a binder or folder and hide them so you don't have to see them but those texts are vital evidence. If (and only if-I've done it and it's not an easy process) you are ready then consider reporting to police and getting a non mol order too. If he tries for custody of the children having those reports will help you and I think with the evidence you have there is a good chance of a conviction.

You are very brave and I'm so glad you and your children are building a beautiful home free of fear.

I'd also consider screens hitting the texts /downloading then and sending them to your mum.

That way, if you have a moment at some point in the future where you delete them on the sources of the moment, there'll be another copy in 'safe' hands, and you can bet that your mum would keep them safe just in case you ever changed your mind in the future. You might not think you'd delete them, but occasionally it's worth protecting against yourself, just in case he squirms his way back in, or you make a rash decision whilst drunk etc.

There isn't enough wine in the world!!!

But it is a great idea and I will do.

The messages are texts on my iPhone or emails. Printed screen grabs should be enough shouldn't it?

The thought of talking to him makes me quite anxious, I would much rather it be arranged through a solicitor etc.

I don't want to be put in a position where I have to endure an attempt at 'talking me round',

If necessary you can attend family mediation separately - you each speak to the mediator in separate rooms. Or it can just be done in writing via solicitors.

If you report the rape and abuse you should not be forced to attend mediation or be in the same room I don't think.

Ideally you need a solicitor with experience in domestic abuse - perhaps the ISVA could advise, or Women's Aid or Rights of Women might be able to give you a referral or contact details.

You can screenshot or there are apps that will download them all as pdfs, if you prefer. They'll be called sms converter or something similar.

It's normal to not want to speak to him I think, I still flinch internally at photos of my ex or even the sight of his name let alone having to interact with him, and I'm a lot further down the road.

Don't delete anything until you've had legal advice I reckon. Screengrabs can be doctored, so might not be accepted as evidence.

If they were in WhatsApp, you can email the whole conversation to yourself.

Women's aid or rights of women are both excellent organisations, especially for your very sensitive situation and importantly they will take your emotional welfare and physical safety very seriously.
I'd advise keeping all the original messages - if you have an iPhone then you can connect it to a computer with a USB cable and copy the messages over to a folder to save and print out - if necessary?

God help me, I've just had an intense five minutes of really missing him. It's passed now but I just wanted him back.

I'm am beyond furious with myself. After all that's gone on, he hasn't even remotely done anything that could be construed as the right thing by me. And I was pining like a little puppy.

It reminded me of when I quit smoking cold tirkey in 2012. That kind of pang.

What in the bloody hell is wrong with me?!

Op I started reading this early Saturday morning and just wanted to say that you are doing so SO well. He's a fucking pig and any anger coming from him from this point is purely because he knows you've found him out. You're setting an amazing example for your not just your children but anyone who reads this. I hope that once the dust settles you'll feel how proud you deserve to