Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Where do they learn this shit?
I've been wondering that, recently. It's thirty years since my ex and I split but all the things that now are blamed on (internet) porn, he was putting into practice back then. Anal sex was definitely a crime in those days, not just as rape, so although he tried repeatedly, being told he would find himself in court put him off. Vaginal rape, coercion, oral rape, thinking he could have sex whilst trying to strangle me - all those were on his personal list of husbandly behaviours, along with whining, moaning, and lying to people - saying we didn't have sex when we blatantly did, including for years after we split up. Even though we split up long, long ago, I hadn't realised how bad he actually was until I started reading MN.

Calling in to wish you and yours good things Azero.

And also to the lovely people on here, you are fantastic.

Crap though to see the (very) odd inadequate tossers popping up now and then.... must say there are some sharp cookies here good at splatting the rats! Multi tasking as always...

Be kind to yourselves all of you.....because you are very special folks here.
xxx

Sorry cross posted
((((Chips))))
I just read your post xx

Yes, it is weird how abusers all have the same tactics and belief systems, isn't it?

I actually have come to think it's because relationship abuse (in most cases) is rooted in a very deep kind of sexism, and that's why it all follows the same pattern, because that sexism also exists within our society, so it's reinforced all the time. And remember that a person's worldview acts as a kind of filter for what they experience or encounter so that two people can experience exactly the same experience, from the same perspective even, and one will be shocked while another will be inspired and a third amused.

I've also noticed that it's extremely rare that a person will be sexist, racist, or homophobic without being at least one of the others (but usually both).

Lundy Bancroft describes the root of abuse/sexism/male entitlement as being that abusers are men who grew up being told and given this expectation that they'd inherit a piece of land for their exclusive use, and then when they actually grow up, they find that everyone is treating "their land" as public property, walking over it and lighting fires on it and leaving litter and they feel very distressed about this and resort to aggression when they get to the point that nobody seems to understand that they need to get off the land.

I can see where he's coming from, but I don't think it's a great analogy because it's hard to understand IMO. I think that the truth is that abusers just genuinely see women as being a kind of "lesser class" than themselves. It's really hard to imagine because we don't have class boundaries in such stark ways these days but if you will, think about it almost like being the way that dog owners think about their dogs. We love our dogs, we consider them a member of the family and we very often feel as though we have a true connection with them on a personal level. We would never abuse them or neglect them and probably feel like we're pretty good dog owners because we provide adequate food, exercise, company and shelter etc. But we think nothing of the fact that their food comes from a can and is served in a plastic bowl on the floor, or that when we exercise them, we place them on a lead and control the area that they are allowed to go, we would not expect them to be able to express an actual opinion to us and we find it totally justified to control their behaviour with ever increasing methods depending on how serious we find the behaviour in question (training/commands, physical barriers such as gates, holding them back using a lead or harness, physically pulling them away from something we don't want them to have, some owners also use physical discipline) to the point that if we feel a dog threatens human safety we feel justified - this is even set out in law - to actually kill them. We find all of these things necessary and even kind, because we recognise that they are dogs and not humans - and so you can see that it's possible to have a perception of oneself as acting reasonably towards [another human] vs [a dog] which would look totally different to each other.

I am not saying that abusers see women as animals, but they certainly separate men and women in their minds as completely different categories of human. And every interaction they have with anybody of either sex is clouded by this at all times. Once you have seen it you can't unsee it. You can spot a sexist very easily. They dismiss women constantly in small ways because they really believe that women's opinions aren't worth anything. They will always automatically look to another man because they feel that only men could possibly be on a level they can relate to.

Then abusive behaviours all come down to this root. They don't believe that they can solve problems in healthy ways like talking, negotiating, getting to know the other person's point of view. They might do this perfectly easily with men by the way, or they might not do it with anyone, but they basically view their interactions with women through the lens of you being their property which is supposed to behave in ways according to their script, but also that you're a kind of different kind of human that it's impossible to communicate with, so the only option to get what they want is either by force, manipulation or just doing it and assuming that you won't stop them.

I have known one person, one single person ever to change from the abuser/sexist kind of mindset to one who has really embraced the communication thing but I still don't fully trust him. I'm wary because of my experience with abusers, basically. It is very very deep rooted and they can be very manipulative.

My word Bertie. You've met my ex.

That's just untangled a few things for me. And connected up a few others I already knew but hadn't fully pieced together. Thank you. I'm reeling a bit at the memories it evoked, but thank you

That's quite good interesting actually.

Ex dp said he was a feminist, usually would make all the right noises about equality etc. if it came up in a discussion.

But sometimes he would spout the most inane sexist clap trap, under the guise of 'saying it how it is.'

For example, he went completely nuts one day about all children's films now only ever having women heros in, and how unfair it was that boys these days had no male role models.

I told him that was rubbish, even googled this years top children's films and showed him (3 out of the 17 had female leads)

But he wouldn't have it, and after about an hour of discussing it I gave it up. He didnt even appear to listen, just waited for his gap to speak and then kept repeating himself.

Thinking back there are lots of little things that made me very uncomfortable like this. Saying certain hair cuts on boys were 'gay', that women should be women and men should be men.

Bertie that's a very powerful and helpful analogy. Thank you.

BellaNoche Thanks!

Yes that makes total sense. Because boys "need" male role models so that they can grow up and know how to be men. Women role models are nonsensical, in a sexist's mind. Despite the fact that boys are perfectly capable of looking up to women, because they don't have those same sex biases unless they are taught them (mind, you do have to do some active undoing of the sexist teachings that they get from all sides in society.)

I only noticed how homophobic and racist my XP was towards the end/after we split up as well. His best friend was gay! He used to be totally awful to him under the guise of "banter". And his favourite insult was to call people he didn't like "immigrants". Actually he was a bit thick so maybe he genuinely just didn't know what it meant

Gosh my love of course you are upset. He pushed the boundaries and violated you.

You don't want to be with this man xxx

Woke up this morning to a text that was sent through at two am.

Hoping I was ok. Missing me and the children. Loves me.

The fucking nerve.

Playing games, trying to unnerve you, hoping to get to you at a low point. Being the twat he is.

You've been a star. Recognising his behaviours takes courage, it's a shock to realise how we've been taken in. Keep nurturing yourself as this stuff is exhausting. So glad you have your parents, they sound wonderful.

You will get through this, it's early days, but you're doing so well.

bloody hellz

TheMaddHugger I think that was the exact face I was pulling when I read it!

Hello Azero

The nerve indeed! And sent in the middle of the night.....charming! Not that he wanted to disturb you eh?

It must be a bit unnerving to read his texts and a bit sicky feeling too.

You are doing ok, come and watch "Here's duggee" with me... xxx

'Here's duggee' will definitely do the trick

What a twatbadger. How dare he text you when he knows you will be sleeping or trying to sleep?!

Hes definitely trying to catch you when he thinks you'll be feeling vulnerable.

You're doing so amazingly and being so strong. I'm sure he thinks you might be starting to waiver by now and be wondering if you've done the right thing.

I would expect the hearts and flowers to ramp up a bit over the next few weeks as he tries to insert himself back into your life.

There's absolutely no rush, but when you're feeling up to it, you'll be able to have a free half an hour appointment with a family solicitor to discuss the children and any financial entanglements you have.

Keep talking Azero. You're an inspiration!

Azerothian,

I suppose that despite his disgusting behaviour of a few evenings ago, the man might genuinely feel all those things. But texts are intrusive, especially at 2am! Might it be possible to block him and only communicate with the man if and when you choose to? That would allow you to feel more in control, which is so important.

You're doing amazingly well!

Oh yes, the flowers, and the, I can't cope with outs you, are on their way, but when you shun them, the tone will begin to change !
Keep busy Azerothian, this is the calm before the storm, so to speak.
Hope you are as well as can be expected Sweet.🌸

If he loved you, he wouldn't have raped you, causing pain, injury and massive distress. Therefore he is lying.

I do have a bit of a sick feeling in my stomach. I'd love to just skip past the whole months ahead pantomime of:

'I love you so much, really lots and lots. I'm so sorry.'

'I'll do anything, please don't do this.'

'What do you mean you don't want me? Think of the children'

'Oh it wasn't even that bad'

'You fucking bitch'

I just know that's what I've got in front of me.

Well forewarned is forarmed. I'm not trying to sound trite but having an insight into yourself and him is a powerful weapon in your arsenal. I'm incredibly impressed with how you're conducting yourself through all this.

LastSummer telling OP her rapist ex still may love her is not helpful. And she does not need to communicate with him at all. Any communication regarding DC can come from a solicitor.

Sadly, you may be right. . . but we'll all be here to support you.

You seem more keen on OP supporting her rapist, to be frank.