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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:

Thread gallery

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 21/08/2017 17:38

I've reported too. Over reaction about rape,are you bloody kidding??!!

chips4teaplease · 21/08/2017 17:40

My little girl, in my head, the baby was a girl called Lottie, she would be 21 later in October. I hate the fact that I killed her, that I wasn't strong enough to go down a different path, I was scared that he would have access, couldn't bear that
Lou 1221
You did what was right for you, and as far as you could manage, right for her, at the time. Have hugs.

NellieBuff · 21/08/2017 17:40

I has also reported Moving. Methinks there are a lot of folk with very blurred boundaries on here.

Moving always remember there is not excuse for rape

JarethLovesMe · 21/08/2017 17:41

I've been lurking OP and I have nothing useful to add but here it is...

I found myself in a shockingly similar (if not the same) situation over 10 years ago now. I wish I had your strength and resilience at the time. I did the worst possible thing and never told a soul and now, a decade later, I still can't come to terms with it and I am still very very confused.

You are one amazing and inspiring individual. All the love and best wishes in the world to you

Hidingtonothing · 21/08/2017 17:58

Jareth, we'll be here for you too if you ever get to a place where you want to talk about it, I'm so sorry that happened to you.

magoria · 21/08/2017 18:01

FFS where do all the stupid knuckle draggers come from?

Women have enough doubts that it is their fault and they over reacted when they have every right to react and feel as they do without this shit.

JarethLovesMe · 21/08/2017 18:15

Thankyou Hiding.

It's no consolation/excuse/whatever. I was painfully young and in a very bad place in my life. This 'man' took advantage in the worst way possible and repeatedly. I knew what he did was more than wrong but it took me a long time to come to the realisation that it was in fact rape. I didn't consent and unfortunately at the time thought I had no other option but to let it happen.

Now, older, in a good place and with a child of my own, I know exactly the truth of what happened. Much too far down the line of course. I wish I had an ounce of the resilience OP has. I'd love to know that monster suffered for what he did.

Original poster

Azerothian · 21/08/2017 18:28

Jareth

This is so scarily common isn't it?

Luckily I seem to arrive after any dodgy posts are already deleted.

As each day passes I'm more certain of myself, and I would advise anyone else in a similar position to read and re-read this thread. The advice and the arguments against pretending this sort of thing is in any way acceptable are so so helpful.

What happened that night was rape. What happened to all of you who shared your stories is rape. Agree with above, you can't overreact to rape.

I know even if I'd pretended it hadn't happened, or dressed it up as something else, I would still feel violated and sick. It would just have the added bonus of complete isolation and no one to talk it through with added too.

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 18:58

I'm sorry that Moving's post was deleted before I had a chance to skewer it, but trust me, I would have done.

Original poster

Azerothian · 21/08/2017 19:15

Absolutely in no doubt about that PoorYorick!

OP posts:

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 19:16

Methinks there are a lot of folk with very blurred boundaries on here.

We had an influx of fuckwits after we made fun of a website where punters get together to compare sex workers, like a sort of Trip Advisor for worthless bottom feeders to use. They've never full gone away.

I guess they don't like knowing there's a website somewhere where women and rape survivors can speak freely without being shouted down. They're only looking out for us, you realise.

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 19:17

And now you know why so many dipshits have been trying to shout you down...

NellieBuff · 21/08/2017 19:19

PoorYorick do not worry. Was more a stupid post than a cruel one. I daresay other numpties will make daft statements and they are all yours

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 19:20

Ah well, I guess that's something. Stupidity can be as dangerous as malice though.

Shadow01 · 21/08/2017 19:21

Azerothian, you are amazing in how you've dealt with this.
I suffered nearly 18 years of sexual and emotional violence, the last sexual assault was 2 weeks ago, 'he' used the same controlling behaviour or isolating that you've been through.
I completed the freedom programme earlier in the year but Kate Perrys Roar was my anthem for it.

NameChange30 · 21/08/2017 19:24

"Stupidity can be as dangerous as malice though."

True that.

for all the abuse and rape survivors who have posted on this thread.

Goingtobeawesome · 21/08/2017 20:32

Azero I am so sorry for what you've been though. All of it. You are doing so well. Please consider making the official report to the police. Seeing justice done is the biggest step towards healing ime.

Take care and as others have said, your mum sounds lovely.

GabsAlot · 21/08/2017 20:42

your an inspriation keep going one day at a time

no means no i dont care if youve done it a million times before as soon as you say no that should be the end

greencarbluecar · 21/08/2017 20:58

Just checking in to if see you're ok Azero, glad to find you are. Sorry there's been another one though, just as well you know better and have a support network to wipe the vile out before you see it eh?

Queen's greatest hits were quite popular on the dealing with difficult ex threads a while back if you're up for more song suggestions.

I'm another who binned the bedding.

PickAChew · 21/08/2017 21:00

I thought of you, zero when P J Harvey sang 50 foot woman as part of her Green Man festival set, last night. Definitely a strong woman song!

Original poster

Azerothian · 21/08/2017 21:03

I have been enjoying a bit of Queen. 'I want to break free' is a favourite

It really is a roller coaster at the minute. I feel free and positive and strong one minute, then vulnerable and in pieces the next.

I've been watching a lot of comedy (I can't really face anything else for some reason) and I've also been reading in the relationships section again.

It's truly depressing to see versions of him dotted around the place. Do the bad ones get given a manual at birth or something?

OP posts:

greencarbluecar · 21/08/2017 21:27

"I don't neeeeeeeed youuu" yeah I like that one too

I don't know, I often ask that too. Where do they learn this shit? How do they end up with the same methods? And why don't we all have the methods to deal with it the way they all know how to abuse? I read the books and thought they could have been written about him, specifically, but of course they're not.

That up and down feeling, just roll with it. One second at a time, if that's what it takes. It's natural to feel like that, for a lot longer than this. You're only a couple of days in and you've already done so much

Putyourhandsintheair · 21/08/2017 21:32

The similarities are depressing aren't they? On the upside though it means that there is plenty of help and advice when dealing with them because they're all so bloody predictable.

Glad to see you're hanging in there. You're doing so well.

Bubblemama · 21/08/2017 21:36

I'm so sorry, I was a victim of rape many years ago. It is a normal response to freeze even if you're usually the type to fight back. My support from the rape crisis team told me that most people freeze, even strong tough men in the army who are raped will freeze. Shock, confusion, panic and all the other horrid feelings wash over you as your body does whatever it can to protect you. It is not at all like it is on tv or in movies. Please call Rape Crisis and talk this over with someone, don't let it bottle up. I only sought help after 9 years and I wish I had found help sooner.

PoorYorick · 21/08/2017 21:41

People freeze because it's often the best way to survive the ordeal with minimal injury. Also because of the shock.

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