Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Oh lou1221 that is horrific, I'm so sorry. You have absolutely nothing to blame yourself for.

I know it's so easy to blame yourself when you are the one going through it, but looking in from the outside it's so obvious that the blame lies entirely elsewhere.

And thank you for the power songs, going to stick them on as my theme tunes for the day!

I think the main thing here is that he doesn't see it as rape, because your his partner. Maybe partners think it is only possible to rape a stranger, I don't know. But it is rape because you said no and he carried on against your will.
I hope your ok. What's going to happen next do you know?

treehugger I love good luck such a good song

Op you are doing amazingly I wish I was as strong as you back when my dp didn't listen to me say no. Instead I just blamed myself and stayed with him in the end letting him do whatever he wanted when ever he wanted. I finally split recently due to alot of other things but it's worn me down so much. Funny you talk of moving things around since he left I have swapped bedrooms with my children. Binned all my duvet and pillows and bought value ones which are crap but they are mine and don't smell of him and done alot of painting. I have not had the strength to go no contact yet but wanted to say you have been so inspiring. Keep strong and don't listen to that voice in your head (like I did) or the idiots on here who think his behaviour was acceptable you and your children are worth so much more x

It's not very punchy but there is a gorgeous song by the Saturdays that I love called Chasing Lights which has helped me through some bad times.

"I've been doing this my way, your way, our way, I can't make it work
When all I have is not enough

I've been doing all I can, my plan, your plan and all I get is hurt
This game we're playing has to stop

I've got you stuck in my head
And all you do is breaking me, I can't continue taking this
I've tried my best to understand
But I cannot make sense of you, I've got to take a stand and baby

I don't wanna waste another day
I don't wanna live my life this way
I'm tired, I just wanna lie back down and
I don't wanna waste another night
I don't wanna keep on chasing lights
So go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, go on, bye, bye

I remember I met you, let you get your way in everything
You took complete control of me

I remember you lying, crying, trying to get away with it
But now I know 'cause now I see

I believed all that you said
I never questioned any lies and never opened up my eyes

And all your words got me misled
But I am standing, I'm alive, I never had you on my side"

Hello there x
Looking in on you this morning... bit of singing going on eh? No bad thing .

Thinking of you xxx

@Azero, there's a lot of love for you on here, we're here for as long as you need us, around the clock.🙋🏼🌸

Hear hear xx

Another one who binned the bedding and redecorated the bedroom!
Keep going!

Totally seconding the power of a good rearrange and redecoration! New bedlinen is particularly therapeutic. I also really like the essential oil diffusers that you can get these days (not the ones that use candles, but ones that gently heat water with a few drops of oil in them). Make the space yours and enjoy it!

(Thanks also for being brave enough to share on this thread. It really feels like such a hugely helpful, supportive resource for anyone else who finds it, too.)

Just read the full thread. Keep going with your positive attitude op! Keep going and never look back. You are doing amazing.
Lucky kids having a strong independent mum who takes no shit!

I've been reading your thread since you first posted and just want to say keep posting, especially at those times when you feel like you are doubting what you are feeling/thinking and if he tries to minimize things. Even if it's months from now, keep posting x

Since you've been gone by Kelly Clarkson also a good song. I feel like we need a kick ass songs by kick ass women playlist....

Hope your doing ok today OP X

I'm not normally one to suggest music but I have to confess to listening to hush hush (pussycat dolls) a lot when I left me ex.

*my ex. I promise I'm not totally illiterate!

Hope your ok OP,

I found places like Solace and Women's aid Extremely helpful.
Also locally to me is an organisation called Homestart who have been so amazing!
I wouldn't be out without these organisations (and Mumsnetters!!)

Thank you I'm ok

Just been sorting out some finance stuff today (joint bank account I'd forgotten about) etc.

Also took the dc out shopping and picked up some new bed linen etc.

The fridge is full of food me and the dc like. Also strangely the house has actually seemed easier to clean etc. with just us here.

All in all pretty positive day so far. Only a slight wobble (looking through the leaflets etc I was given)

OP - I'm so sorry that this happened to you, but the way that you're using this to take control of the situation and start a new life for you and your kids is so inspirational. It's so fab that you're reconnecting with your old friends. This is a shit thing to happen and I'm sure there'll be some hard times ahead but it seems to me that you are on the path to a much better place.

Azerothian: Just another one who wanted to share the admiration I have for you for and how you are dealing with this.

He has violated you in a way no man ever should, you put complete trust in him and he broke that. It will take a while for you to heal from that, you sound incredibly strong. Its heart warming to hear the support you have here (apart from the odd lunatic trying to minimise). Good luck

As luck would have it, a friend has just posted a photo of herself in a dress I hadn't seen before. Someone asked if it was new, and she said it was years old, but her ex had never liked it. So now she's wearing it, looking great and enjoying her own style.

Hurrah!

I wear so much now that I never would have been able to wear with him.
I have photos everywhere, gadgets I like (if I liked them then they must be stupid!)
Use Facebook (apparently only stupid people use social media of any description - CLASSIC ISOLATION!)
All sorts.

I'm pleased to you upbeat. Keep it strong OP x

Only you know what you can and cant deal with.....
I was with the father of my childre for nearly 10 years (we split up in january). He is very much into anal sex and i had tried it with him previously but it bloody hurts no matter how much lube was used. So i said it wasnt for me. I tried it a couple of times but never again.....
Our anniversary last year (june) we had a child free night so went out. I dont drink alcohol but he is an occasional drinker and he was a bit drunk when we got home.
He initiated sex and i was up for it but he said he was gonna put it in there and i said no.
He kept trying to force it i kept saying no....
Long story short he put it in. I was screaming and telling him i will punch hom in the face if he doesn't get off me. I dont know if it was the alcohol but he still wasnt getting it so i punched him multiple times on the face as hard as i could muster. He seemed to think i still wasnt serious....
It took me to completely break down for him to stop.
He was very apologetic after and like you i was so so torn.
I decided to pretend it didnt happen.....
But when i asked him to leave that was 1 of the reasons.....
Now this man i have loved since i was 17, i would never class him as a rapist or a horrible person. I do believe people have a dark side ans the alcohol bought it out that day. Not an excusw2for how he behaved but that was my reasoning.
For me it made me feel as if he had no respect for my feelings or my body.
In no way was he dominating in the relationship but i saw a side to him that night that i was really afraid of....
I still love him but i cant be with him. Everytime after even if he mentioned anal sex i would get all panicky. Because it was so so scary i didnt know him in that moment.
Sorry to bore you with my story but i would advise to talk about it properly and not to just brush it under the carpet xx

Moving
I have reported your post.

WILL THE VICTIM-BLAMING RAPE APOLOGISTS PLEASE GO AWAY

I too have reported moving.
How dare you, moving.