Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

You are amazing Azerothian! I've been following your thread, what a wonderful example you are setting your kids. Well done for standing up to him, you are better than him. Sending you strength and home decor inspiration!

lou1221 yes, you were raped. How are you now? x

lou yes, you were raped, it was 100% not your fault, he was a rotten bastard and I hope he's dead.

Please see your GP and try to get some professional help for your trauma. None of what happened, including the termination, was your fault.

In my head I kept thinking I had been, but back then, being a boyfriend, and not some stranger in an alley. At the time I felt that I couldn't talk to anyone about it, that I wouldn't be believed.

My little girl, in my head, the baby was a girl called Lottie, she would be 21 later in October. :( I hate the fact that I killed her, that I wasn't strong enough to go down a different path, I was scared that he would have access, couldn't bear that. Six months after this awful time, I called a friend I had met the previous year, we got on so well, but a friend liked him and started slating him to me, and me to him. I called him, we got together, my guilt told him that I aborted my baby on our second date, he held me and let me cry on him. He is now my husband and best friend, and dad to our 3 kids.

Still bloody hurts, I wish I wasn't so naive back then. xx

I think the 'stranger rape' myth - that it can't be rape unless you were dragged screaming into a hedge by a man you'd never laid eyes on - is possibly the most dangerous, insidious and vile of them all (and there are a lot to choose from). Everyone agrees that stranger rape is rape...largely because it is a vanishingly tiny percentage of committed rapes, and therefore it isn't threatening for the apologists to acknowledge. Plus that way they can prove that they're not denying rape ever happens, so they must be right.

The actual facts are that most rape victims know their attackers, and have often had sex with them consensually at some point. It is emotionally complex and confusing. It's still rape.

I'm hugely pro choice and it's obvious you did what you believed was best at the time, while in a fresh hell of trauma and fear. If you regret that course of action now, it's on your rapist's head. Which I hope is off his shoulders.

I am so glad that you are now with a good and loving man. If you should seek professional help, I am sure he will be supportive.

Just another poster who wants to say how amazing you are Azerothian. You will have ups and downs, emotional outbursts, and of course, doubt. He will try and play on that, but try and remember the feeling you have had tonight. The relief of realising you can do anything you want with your life. If everything was all ok in your relationship you wouldn't feel that way, because your partner would be doing all they could to support you in what was important to you, not box you in and reduce you down to a fraction of the incredible woman you so clearly are. There will be hard times ahead but you have the strength to meet them head on. Many hugs, we're all here for you.

Thank you Yorick, sadly Wanker is very much alive and has tried a number of times over the year's to "get in touch", blocked him on everything he's managed to get through to me on. I had to leave the job I loved, because of him, he would come to my office every few weeks, talk to friends about me, so they were whispering behind my back. I even had an ex-colleague a few years ago bump into me in a shopping centre, telling me little anecdotes of this tosser.

@Lou1221, I'm so very sorry.🌺🌺🌺

Lou handhold for you too, I think in those decades rape within a relationship wasn't really recognised. A bit like middle class domestic violence.
Erin Pizzey wrote a book called 'Scream quietly so the neighbours don't hear' about middle class domestic violence. It was a taboo topic.
I'm so sorry that happened to you.

Azerothian
Glad your reading and absorbing so much. Once the facade finally slips it simply crashes down.
It's been one year since ex was arrested. I am divorced (he fought it!)
I have a diploma, I have friends, I watch the crap I want in the living room on the tv instead of on my mac in the kitchen.
I go where I want, I control the money, I've lost weight, dd calls me smiley mummy. Apparently I didn't smile before.

This is the first day of the rest of your life. (Corny I know but cliches work!!)
All doors are viable now. Choose your own future!

Power Songs

Mega (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Lou

This was mine :)

That dates me

Love it Bertie
Ps talking about 'telling how old'.... I was alive when Helen Reddy put out that I am Woman song

Hehe, I just meant, you can tell exactly when I LTB...

Lou

@lou1221 I'm sorry for how you were treated, you are so strong. Karma will come back around (I believe that!)
X

@TheMaddHugger is that Basement Jaxx? I love that song, so empowering! Thanks for posting that, I'll be downloading that and listening on repeat! X

Gotcha Bertie 🌸🌼🌺🌸🌺🌼🌸

So brave.

Yes that is Basement Jaxx 🌸🌼🌺🌸🌺🌼🌸

very confronting so dont watch if feeling down
Or.......... it could become a power song. Im not sure

Pink - Try
Try
P!nk
Ever wonder 'bout what he's doing
How it's all turned to lies
Sometimes I think that it's better,
To never ask why
Where there is desire, there is gonna be a flame
Where there is a flame, someone's bound to get burned
But just because it burns, doesn't mean you're gonna die
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Gotta get up and try, and try, and try
You gotta get up and try, and try, and try
Funny how the heart can be deceiving
More than just a couple times
Why do we fall in love so easy
Even when it's not right

I'm so glad that you are now ok OP. It is amazing the support that you find on MN Talk. All of the supportive posters, you are wonderful.

Ahhhhh Azerothian,
Hugs and Good wishes for the future, but most of all Respect Xx

Sending you hugs OP. You're so brave