Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP it's so amazing to watch your confidence and personality slowly unfurling now you are realising it's safe to do that.

What a shit he was to keep you metaphorically locked up for so long. But you're doing so fantastic and already. I think when the real you truly comes out you'll be a force to be reckoned with.

JudoChop that is fantastic, I'm so sorry your going through that and hope you are safe

I won't lie I'm struggling with what's happened but I am starting to get another overwhelming feeling starting to dawn on me.

I can feel my life stretching in front of me. I could do anything, study, get a new job, make and go out with friends, maybe see a comedy show or a gig.

I could read what I want, watch what I want, see and speak to who I want.

I didn't realise how trapped I felt, how I wasn't looking forward to life anymore. And though this is possibly one of the shittiest ways for it to start I am starting to feel like this can only be a good thing.

Sorry if that sounds over dramatic, but that is exactly what it feels like. The sadness, pain, guilt is all there but I can plan a future now instead of just staying in my box.

I hope that helps you.

Though that feeling may also be caused by the glass of wine I suppose.

OP - I've just rtft and I wish I could hug you. What a horrible fucking bastard to do that to you. You are sounding so brave and strong and you're setting such a good example to your children. What he did is NOT alright; NOT excuseable or forgiveable and he deserves everything that's coming to him.

@Azerothian Thanks for replying, no not dramatic in the slightest, it's funny how all those things we'd normally do become picked at and turned into a 'forbidden' thing (if that is the right word?)

Every decision, thought, feeling, is dissected and turned into something of a inquiry or interrogation, and eventually you find yourself second guessing yourself or not even doing/saying whatever it is at all (I'm probably talking gibberish lol but hope you kind of see what I mean)

You're actually keeping it real with what you have written, feeling so much at once as you might have become numbed by the behaviour and attitude from him. X

Glass of wine sounds perfect. You enjoy it!

You know OP, I was devastated when my 20 year marriage ended because of an OW, but there was a sense of relief, liberation and freedom that just bubbled up in me, and it got me through. Daft things like watching Eastenders without him saying 'why do you watch this crap' and just moaning all through it. And eating what I wanted when I wanted too...it was such a treat.

I think you will relish the freedom and you have so many choices opening up to you now, which didn't exist a week ago.

A strong lady like you will have an amazing future, which you derserve x

Azerothian, so glad to hear that you've felt the freedom and lightness - that's really good. Embrace that good empowering feeling, you deserve it!

JudoChop no not gibberish at all, that is exactly it.

The awful thing is I'm sure a month or two ago I would have said the relationship was alright and he was just a little jealous/insecure/forthright.

Oh and please don't be sorry, I'm thankful for your strength and courage, sometimes we have to look at others in order to see for ourselves

• The truth cannot be told, only realised -

Quote from somewhere I cannot remember but so relevant to me and probably a lot of others I imagine.

Sorry if I'm coming across cringey (lol) I've been reading since your first post, what you've been through is so close to my own life, the other posters on here are amazing too. X

Hi Azerothian, just another voice to add to those who applaud your strength and bravery. You are a force to be reckoned with. Wishing you a deserved bright and wonderful future ((((hugs))))

Azerothian, just wanted to chip in and be another voice of admiration. You're doing so well. I wanted to cheer the screen when I read about you putting up the clock from your mum- little acts of moving on, taking control in your own life. I'm so glad that you've got your parents near by to support you.

That's alright, I could easily come across as a bit cringey gushing about how wonderful everyone here has been

And thank you, I will definitely be embracing clinging on to for dear life that feeling.

That's fantastic shinyshiner!

I'm impressed with my clock too

It's shown me how much his voice had burrowed it's way in though. Even to the extent I've been doubting my own taste in evertything. Clothes, music, tv, decoration etc.

I think I'll definitely feel amuch better once the physical reminders (pain) have gone, well I hope so.

I have, like many others, been following your progress and I also think you are an amazingly strong woman. What a role model for your DC!

And what a great place MN is and such a vital source of support at times.

Some people just do a right job on you, it's scary come to think of it. Not just mentally but physically as well, like they up the ante and keep pushing and breaking boundaries, until you find yourself almost forced to accept and justify behaviour like that as 'ok'.

I'm happy that you've seen through the crap that he's been putting you through

You are amazingly strong and doing so well. I don't really know what to say, just wanted to express my admiration for how well you are coping and my desire to have your rapist cunt of an xp burnt at the stake. Keep going, one day at a time and one day you'll look up and realise how far you've come.

As an aside. Lastsummer and Milly ARE real posters aren't they? They sound so similar to each other that my first thought was: are they the Op's xp, trying to cast doubt and manipulate her? Is there a way to check? Not an attempt to trollhunt and if MNHQ need to edit this post, I totally understand and apologise for making more work for them.

Life is going to be tough for a little while but this time next year you'll look back and see just how much you have achieved.

Being single isnt the terrible lonely experience many people portray it as. You can watch your own TV, read, get hot and sweaty doing work out videos, eat what and when you want, take the kids on days out without having to wait for a partner or be home at a certain time.

Practical things to get in place though, make sure you have well stocked medical cupboards for both the kids and you, nothing worse than them (or you) being ill and having run out of calpol / lemsip etc in the middle of the night and no one to go and get it.
Also keep some long life or almond milk around etc, Ive woken up on one too many mornings when the milks turned and no one to send to fetch the milk when DD was younger. Sods law says that the bread will also run out so no cereal or toast.

But other than those small things parenting on your own is, in my opinion easier. The kids have one set of rules to follow and generally there is less stress in the house as you and another adult arent disagreeing etc.

You have done amazingly.

If you feel up to it over the next few days/ weeks and have some spare cash I'd pop to somewhere cheap wilko/supermarkets and buy some new accessories: bedding, towels, bathroom bits maybe some new crockery, tea towels, get some photos developed of the kids and put in frames (wilkos are cheap and cheerful).
Give the furniture a good move about, rearranging everything and maybe a bit of a spring clean (keep your hands and mind busy) and really, put your stamp on the place. I'd bag up the old stuff and send it to the charity shop (or I guess to his mum if you feel so inclined). Giving the house a different look will hopefully help you move on.

I can feel my life stretching in front of me. I could do anything, study, get a new job, make and go out with friends, maybe see a comedy show or a gig.

Oh my....

You've actually forgotten what freedom feels like. You're about to fly.

OP I was in a controlling relationship several years ago, he isolated me and controlled me with his moods but fortunately I didn't experience the horrific events you did leading to you ending your relationship.

I just wanted to say that I felt grief at the end of my relationship (although I ended it), and I loved him and missed him. However the knowledge that I was now free to be made me almost euphoric at times. When you said you'd put your clock back on the wall I whooped for your new life! It's a small but defiant act of reclaiming your life and your home.

I've been reading your threading from very early on and am hugely impressed with the speed with which you've made decisions and put changes in motion. Like someone upthread said, see how far you've come in less than 24 hours, you are definitely going to be a force to reckon with when your new wings dry out. You are much, much stronger than you thought.

Keep coming back on here when/if you have wobbles. We are here for you. MN can be a nest of vipers sometimes but on other occasions a lifesaver.

Sorry, 48 hours, but still impressive.

You are doing so well, you're very brave. Year's ago, more than twenty, I was on a work visit to one of our north of England offices, I had a boyfriend who worked in that office too. I was young, naive and gullible 21 year old, this boyfriend - let's call him Wanker, made it very clear that he was staying in the hotel room during my visit, he had stayed over in my flat on visits to me, but we hadn't slept together, even though he had been fairly insistent, he even had mentioned on one occasion of a threesome, why the hell did I not realise what a wanker he really was? Anyway, on this particular night, after I had been out for a meal with my boss, back at the hotel sex was initiated, by him. I kept saying I wanted him to use a condom, yes yes in a minute, I remember saying no, please stop, please use a condom. he was a big bloke, I was tiny, no way I could get him off me. He came! I was so fucking angry. I asked him to stop and use one more than once.

Was I raped?

I should have got a morning after pill, but was so worried, didn't know area, had no one to talk to. I fell pregnant, eight shitty weeks later I killed my baby, I left my work a few weeks after that. My whole world fell in.

You poor poor thing. I can't really offer any advice but my heart really goes out to you. What a terrible experience. I hope you're ok 😰 X

@Azerothian well done on getting through the day.
Pleased your locks are changed and you feel safe. Yes, a bout of redecorating and purging the bastard from your personal space will definitely help.
I'm envious of the wine, have one for me. Ah well, ten weeks to go if not less 😉🍷