Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Lastsummer this one is for you and here is a little ((Hug)) for you.
For you are the most in need for help and change.
Please Listen, Not talk

You are doing so well Op and I hope you managed to have some sleep overnight. It's entirely up to you whether and when you report this to the police and I can see why you might want to wait and see if there is anything else in his history that might give you some support in any future trial. However I think you are in a better place than many complaints in similar situations to you. He has sent you a lot of emails or texts that are quite incriminating. From what you said of his emails and texts it does sound as though he has pretty much convicted himself . I cannot see how he would be able to spin that if it went to court, especially the one where he actually uses the word rape, he may well plead. Good luck with whatever decision you make, reporting it and not reporting it are both valid choices in your position. If you do report it, you need to show the police all of the texts and emails and also tell them about this thread.

I was travelling yesterday so only dipped in and out of the thread depending on 4g access but I can see how well you did op. Hope you have a peaceful day today as things start to take shape for you.

Hope you're ok today OP

Morning, I've only just got up! Dm looked after the dc and left me asleep. She's also preparing a huge roast dinner, I have no idea what I'd do without her.

I feel like I could sleep all day, I thought it would be the complete opposite tbh. Apart from a nasty nightmare there has been no contact with ex p.

The last time we split up his dm was quite vocal through texts about how she felt about me. To be fair that was because he was telling her I was stopping him seeing the children (I wasn't and was offering access) Complete silence so far though.

It's still feels messed up.

I see LastSummer is still at it. Clearly not bothering to listen to all the women here who've actually been through similar. I'm not surprised.

Azero my last post was deleted so rather than waste any more emotional energy on the apologist crap, I wanted to repeat the part that went with it about how incredible you are. I know you won't feel it now but you are so strong. The thing I learnt from similar experiences was to take each day, hour, minute even second at a time because you're on a rollercoaster and it really can feel like you're being thrown around emotionally. Be kind to yourself. It's completely normal to feel conflicted, to grieve for the man you thought you knew and the future you thought you'd have. Always remember that you left, that's such a hard thing to do and you did it.

Apologies if it's been mentioned already but another good book, as well as the excellent Why Does He Do That, is Living with the Dominator which is the book that goes alongside the Freedom Programme. It's quite short but was a revelation to me. (The programme itself can be very healing especially if you can get to a group as you are surrounded by people who understand, but that might be something for further down the line).

One step at a time. You can do this

Soft (((((((Hugs))))) Azerothian

Sleep, Your body is telling you what you need.

Thank you greencarbluecar I have downloaded the 'why does he do that' on kindle and will look at that dominator one too.

I'm sure it will help, I'm just going to wait until the dc are asked again before reading, I'm imagining it's going to be tough reading.

Love the picture

Azero glad you've had a good sleep it will help to heal you. Something I've just remembered is that once you've reported you can apply to the criminal injuries board for compensation. It was a long time ago for me now so my recollection is hazy but I think this is not dependent on a conviction (which said a lot to my mind). Anyway it would be several thousand pounds and is to help you with costs of securing your home, paying for counselling etc. Others may be able to give you more information. Look after yourself

It sounds like LastSummer has a vested interest in protecting rapists

OP you are being so strong

Op, I've rtft.
You are so strong and are the best role model for your dc. Your smile sounds wonderful, let her look after you

Yes do do the reading while the DC aren't around, the realisation can be quite breathtaking. But after that's worn off, it really does help to understand, realise you're not the only one subjected to such abuse and above all it's not your fault. You didn't cause it, you couldn't have stopped it and you can't control it.

That picture is perfect Hugger

The fact that LastSummer has encouraged a rape victim to continue a relationship with her attacker and try to love and understand him, and now claims that he cares about women's wellbeing, means he is either criminally stupid or just sheer fucking evil. I'm not sure which is worse, but either way, he needs to shut. The. Fuck. Up. He has daughters? God help them. I hope they disown him.

Please ignore him, OP. Like your rapist, he does not care about your safety.

LastSummer, if you really honestly and truly prioritise women's wellbeing and safety, you will listen to the entire roomful of women, including rape survivors, who are telling you you are spouting evil, dangerous bullshit and need to shut up.

You won't of course, because you don't give a toss about anything except your own hateful misogynistic agenda, dressed up in gentle Nice Guy tones that are oh-so-concerned.

Unfortunately for you, you are not anywhere near as unique as you think you are. The reason we all see through you is because we've all seen your particular brand of wolf in sheep's clothing (and when it's defending rapists, think of it as a six foot, drooling, rabid wolf with an inch of fleece over his crotch - that's how convincing the disguise is). You are everywhere. Each of us can probably think of three times we've met you just off the top of our heads.

You don't fool us, although I'm sorry to say you often do fool society at large, mainly because there are so many of you. You are a disease, an epidemic. You are dangerous. We do not want you here encouraging vulnerable women to continue into a lifetime of rape and abuse that in all likelihood might not last very long for the worst possible reason.

If you won't reconsider your vile views, and we know you won't, at the very least take them elsewhere. You are not wanted here. We see you. We are tired of seeing you. You do not fool us. Shut up and ship out.

Well said indeed PoorYorick - good to have a woman like you on the team.

I'm glad to see that MNHQ has deleted the latest appalling post by LastSummer. But I can see that some of the subsequent posts (by people who are challenging him) have quoted his post, so it's still there in a way - maybe those posts should be edited to remove his original words??

Hello Azerothian, I think that your mother is fantastic.. wish that mine had been such a goodun ...it would have made a massive difference.

Good that you slept.. sleep is a good healer. I see that Hugger has been up all night chalking on the steps, great post ;) good caring people here.

I'm so glad that you are reading these posts and taking your time.

You will notice the occasional contributor here who (ahem!) appears imo to have their own agenda. Don't be diverted from what feels right for you.
There seems to be good number here watching your back for potential thread derailments so leave them to it.....they are doing a good job.
Re:(well meant I know )criminal injuries post.... you have two years to claim it but need a police reference as well as medical evidence...so my advice is to leave that for now, that's a whole staircase ahead.

Bit at a time, what you can manage only, and sending strength to you and your Mum and children.
Safe hug from me xx

More than happy to have my posts re Lastsummer removed = our focus should be on supporting the OP and others in her position

Nellie
Oh i didn't mean those posts should be removed (I think they're helpful) just that the quotations should be removed IYSWIM? Don't know if it's possible though.

Thank you, ohami...I just can't stand "men" like this. They're bad enough when they're just ranting to each other on MRA websites. But there's something especially odious about the ones who go onto predominantly female forums, and seek out women who have been raped so recently they still have the evidence of it on and in their bodies...and tell them to accept it, love and understand the rapists, and not to report it because the shame will be theirs. All in the most concerned tones, and thanking those women who were polite to them in responding.

They make my bile rise. I'm not kidding, I literally have a foul taste in my mouth right now. They are a smidgen less sickening than the actual rapists themselves, but it's a bit like the difference between shit and shite.

Yorick I completely understand where you're coming from. I tried to express my disgust but did so far less articulately (I was rather upset, assuming that's what the deletion was for). Thank you for putting so clearly into words what the problem is with that poster and all the others like him

Azero I hope in some small way seeing the rape apologising called out on your thread helps to get rid of any last lingering thoughts you may have about "making a fuss".

I hope in some small way seeing the rape apologising called out on your thread helps to get rid of any last lingering thoughts you may have about "making a fuss"

It is actually.

It's like having you and Yorick and others directly confronting and debunking that 'niggling' internal, ridiculous, voice.

Managed some dinner so that's something. My nephew is at the house right now looking at the locks. I'm hoping to go home tonight,

Dm has said we can stay as long as we like but I feel like I want to try and make things as normal as possible for the dc. Eldest has been diagnosed with ask so the routine is really important.

Unsure how I'm going to feel walking back in there though.