Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

I just wanted to say I've been following this thread from the start, and you are amazing! So strong and determined, even in the midst of such upset and trauma.

I hope you're getting some well needed sleep now.

Hope you're getting some sleep, and that you will let your mum and dad clear out his stuff and deliver it to him.

LastSummer stop trying to persuade her to not report. You have been consistent in this from the outset. OP does not need to wake up and see this shit.

OP you have already shown yourself to be brave and strong. You need to do what's best for you of course. Your brain re-running this is its way of trying to make sense of what's happened and is normal. If you do report it will be a gift you make to all his other potential victims however- that's how I saw it.

There will be a tomorrow coming where we will wake up and not feel overwhelmed and small, but lighter and brighter because we took those steps.

What a beautiful thought, lollipop

Previous posts by LastSummer state that he is a single dad bringing up a daughter outside the UK.
Very concerning that he seems so determined to dissuade the op from protecting herself from her
rapist.
LastSummer, can you explain why you think the op should not report him & why you previously suggested she should talk to him?

@LastSummer, OP wouldn't be bruised and torn, if that was what she wanted, don't be ridiculous, and so incredibly insensitive.😡
Good morning Azerothian, just popping in, to let you know that you are still in my thoughts, and that you really are a little ⭐️
Your parents have your back, as do we, keep on keeping on, and stay in touch.🌸

AliCat,

I think what matters is the wellbeing of Azerothian and her children. Whether a victim of rape should report it to the police is an intensely personal decision and I've suggested that she seek specialist legal advice at Rape Crisis. I've raised three daughters alone and I care very much about the protection of all women. I don't feel that I need to defend my views to you. Thank you, though, for being polite!

LS

I just wanted to say in response to last summer that my experience working with young people who take their abusers to court is that they are very upset and angry if they have a not guilty verdict. They are not humiliated, they understand that the professionals around them did believe them and that is why the case went to court in the first place. They understand that by bringing the the court case they have highlighted the risk posed by the abuser regardless of the outcome and they have helped to keep other children and young people safe in the future also regardless of the outcome.

In relation to future contact with your children the threshold for a finding of fact will be lower than that of a criminal court, so seeking legal advice from a family lawyer about future contact and what they would advise your next steps should be may be useful. Take care of yourself, you are doing great.

LastSummer

God help your daughters.

@LastSummer your advice is irrelevant. There are actual women on this thread who have been through this absolute shit and are giving OP advice from their experience.

You are being unhelpful and you are playing into rape culture myths.

OP is doing fucking brilliantly and your posts could be damaging.

Morning Azerothian
I hope you slept.
Remember , step by step for today. You're dining so well.

Doing!

LastSummer, if you're bringing up daughters, how would you feel if it was your daughter? Would you seriously advise she goes back to her rapist because they just need to talk? You are an atrocious excuse for a man and a father. If you have nothing nice to say then get the fuck off this thread and don't come back. Reporting rape is not "humiliating".

OP, you have been so, so brave and I'm so sorry some posters seem to be minimising this as a "misunderstanding" He heard you say no, there's nothing more to it. I hope this Sunday finds you as well as you can be, and well-supported by your terrific family.

[edited by MNHQ to remove quote of deleted post]

It is a terrible thing for a father of three daughters to be a rape apologist.

MN should be a safe, supportive place for those seeking help.
It is not in the spirit of MN to try to deter victims from telling their truth to whoever needs to listen.
Sometimes just being heard, is enough.

Lastsummer first you advise the OP to talk to and forgive her rapist, then you advise her not to report her attacker. You are in effect defending the attacker and blaming the victim. I feel so sorry for your daughters being raised by a man that thinks and posts as you do.

Post such a Lastsummer's need to be reported and off the thread. They have no place on this thread.

OP - how are you this morning?

Morning Azerothian. I just wanted to add my voice to the chorus to tell you how amazingly brave you are. Being brave isn't the same as not being scared. Being brave is about being scared, but doing what needs to be done anyway. That's you, that is.

Every time I see/hear/read victim blaming I feel sick to my stomach and frightened of the world my DD is growing up in

What is happening to society??

Mumsnet - please can you delete all LastSummer's posts on this thread, then wield the banhammer on him so he can't post any more crap?

Mega (((((((((((Hugs)))))))))) Azerothian. One step at a time.

Azerothian - hope you slept well. You have been totally amazingly strong throughout this. Hang on in there with your mum to look after you.

I'm so sorry this is happening to you.
The flip flopping, wanting to push everything down is entirely normal. I also was sad that my abusive relationship ended and missed him and the life I thought we would have, it was like grief. I got over it, but at the time it made me question whether I had been abused.
Please look into helplines/ councelling , talking through it made me realize that I wasn't unusual.