Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Just want to echo everyone else you have been incredibly strong today well done. Only u can decide if u want to press charges but u have done the right thing in going to the centre and getting your mums support.

It must be a huge amount to process, both mentally and emotionally. Please take care of yourself. You might feel awful for a while but it will get better - so much better.

Practical stuff about how to manage your physical pain:

sitz bath - warm bath, sit in it.
pile cream - will help numb things up and soothe
or coconut oil - will also sooth
painkillers - take them regularly

I'm sorry you are in this situation. You are a poster girl for brave.

Thinking of u op!

You are a brave, brave woman, with your one step at a time.

Is there any way you could bag his stuff and leave it out for him to pick up, assuming you will get home before he does? Will your mum or dad go with you to the house?

Keep on taking one step at a time.

That analogy is ^brilliant^ thestamp, thats exactly what happened to me. I bottled it up and didn't deal with it at all when it happened and it ended up festering away 'under the skin' until it became so painful I had no choice. All those years festering only makes it harder to deal with when you eventually do so don't doubt yourself Azero, you're doing all the right things. Hope you manage to get some rest tonight but there will be someone (probably me ) around if you're up in the small hours and need company

Evenings after dc have gone to bed is the hardest time u run on auto pilot and adrenaline getting through the day then it hits u in the evening. Use that time to look after u have a relaxing bath recharge your batteries make sure u eat and try and get some rest

I just want to add my support and admiration of you.
Like you say, it's almost too easy to stay and sweep it under the carpet, but by going and having the examination today and getting looked after by Drs, that's a huge step.
I've been raped. In the relationship, and I didn't even know that's what it was called. I just knew I'd said stop and he'd carried on. Several times. I was so young I just didn't know. It remains unreported to this day, over 10yrs on. But the thing is, you're so much stronger than I was. You've got that on your side. You knew enough to come on here and talk to others, because you knew deep down what it was was rape. You protected yourself and your dc. You've taken steps to remove him from your life permanently.

I'm not exaggerating when I say I see you as a hero. You feel like you're broken into a thousand pieces, like your world has been snatched away and shredded then scattered- I know. Because it has. But you can (and will) rebuild. You'll come out fighting, never forgetting what's happened but more powerful.

I am so proud of you today. And for every day that comes, I am so incredibly proud of you.

Desmondo's advice is ace.

Maybe call 101 instead of 999 and explain you want to report it but your not ready to process it. That will get the ball rolling.

I'm sorry you've had such a horrendous time.

I hope your doing better now.
Believe in yourself, you deserve it x

My dm has offered to go with df and remove all trace of him from the house and deliver it to his mums before we go back.

I thought I would be too wired to sleep but I can actually feel my eyelids pulling down so may drift off, fingers crossed.

Sleep well you amazing woman 😴

Thank you so much, I can't express enough how much this all means to me. I've heard mn described as a lifeline before but didn't really understand.

Ah your parents are amazing! What a brilliant thing for them to do for you. I hope you take them up on it and they're able to do it tomorrow. I take it you're getting the locks changed too.

Anyway I hope you get some good sleep tonight.

You are so so brave.

A few years ago a dear friend went through a very similar experience. She'd split from her DP though they still shared the same house. He came home drunk, went into what was their room, and did pretty much what was done to you.

Her reaction at the time - freezing- was exactly what you experienced. The following day was also the same - struggling to reconcile the former partner she knew with what had occured. She was examined like you also, and decided to proceed with a police investigation.

I won't lie, she found it hard going at times. Understandably the police interviewed her several times to ensure that she was telling the truth. She did have some bruising and bleeding from the assault, and she found it very difficult to see him seemingly go about his business as before while he'd utterly shattered her life with what he did. She also had text messages from him admitting what he did in not so many words but his texts also built up a timeline for conviction.

It went to court. Thankfully the cunt had realised or was told that the evidence was enough so he plead guilty to get a reduced sentence. The sentence was far more than she had been advised was likely to expect. And he's now on the sex offenders register too. She got smashing counselling, met an amazing bloke who sat in court every day for her when she couldn't and she really has put it behind her. She truly is a survivor - more than that, she is thriving. Her DS has no idea her stepdad ever did that to her mum thanks to the support network she had around her.

If you choose to report it to the police, that's your choice and you must do what you feel is best for you - there is no right and no wrong here. I just thought that should you do decide to go down that route it might be helpful to know what you may expect.

I wouldn't be where I am with mumsnet. Truly. A wonderful community.

Don't stop posting.
You do have to do this in your own time.
Sorry if I'm being pushy.
A friend of mine is going through something remarkably similar, but she did wait to report it (a few weeks) and if complicated things. There was this whole question of veracity.
Sounds like you have more evidence as you saw the clinic today. I just don't want them to question why you waited to report it.
That is what is hurting my friend so much. She can't explain it to them. I get it, but the system doesn't register the emotions, just facts.

Maybe tomorrow, your choice

Sleep well OP

And get those locks changed

Sweet dreams @Azerothian* x

You are doing so well Azerothian

Sweet dreams amazing Azerothian

OP I have just read your whole thread and I am in awe. You are so brave. Well done. You are quite right how easily these things are brushed under the carpet if you don't react immediately. You've made everything so much easier for yourself going forward by taking that step.

If you liked the descriptions of the abuser types you should get a copy of the book they come from - Why Does He Do That by Lundy Bancroft. You can get it on kindle and read it on the free kindle app on your phone even. It really helps get everything into place so that it makes sense. Will help you stay strong.

I'm so sorry that this has happened

Just wanted to check in and say again how well you are doing OP. You are truly an amazing woman. I hope you get some rest tonight. You have our full love and support xx

Hoping you're ok, well, as ok as you can be whilst going through all this.

Someone I trusted and cared for did something absolutely shocking and awful. I found it very odd the tricks my brain played on me, natures way of protecting us I guess.

For about 3-4 weeks I couldn't make my brain combine these two things: the event itself, and the person I had know for almost two years. It was very odd, because I know it was him that did it, but when I tried to think about the person and our relationship, and that he had done it, my brain became slithery and slid those two things apart. Like magnets pointed the wrong way and refusing to meet, sliding around in any direction to avoid meeting! Slip slip slide slide...

It does go with time though, when you brain stops trying to protect you. I still find it hard, but I can get my brain to point in the right direction now at least!

I spoke to a helpline who said it's perfectly normal and to let your brain set the pace for a bit as it's doing its stuff all to protect you. So I did just let my brain shut down a bit and actually, I was very glad of the numbness.

Take care of yourself even if it feels like you're just going through the motions.

Well done,OP, you are amazing. I read this last night and felt terrible for you and worried that he would talk you round. But you are so right in your thinking and your actions. Just wanted to add support x

Stay strong, your doing so well