Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

sending lots of love and just a quick message to say how brave youve been xxx

Well done OP you are being so brave and handling this horrible situation amazingly. Please never doubt what this was, it was rape, he is vile for doing that to you. I'm so sorry you are having to go through this

In the face of the horrific you have been amazing, it may not feel like it just now or in the coming days but please believe that you really,really are. I wish you nothing but continued strength and if it wanes please remember the might of mumsnet is behind you!

My exh did this to me and until reading this didn't think of it as rape atall because he was my H and thought maybe he just got carries away. I cried and he was sorry. Feel abit sick about it now. Well done OP you're a brave lady and I'm glad u had the sense to realise it was wrong.

Have read the full thread and have nothing to add as you've had brilliant support and advice form the women on here.
Just to say so sorry he did that to you. I'm glad he's left and you can change the locks and get your house back.

You are brave. Who knows what a lot of us would do in those circumstances.
Well done for reaching out to help and acting on advice.

He's a gutless coward azero.

And he's gone running, thinking only of his own skin.
Onwards and upwards brave lady.

You are an amazing example to both your dc. Whatever you decide to do regarding the police the fact that you have removed yourself and them from his terrible influence is the best thing you could have done.

Your mum sounds like a star. & to you both xx

Thank you, since both the dc went to sleep I feel like it's hit me like a ton of bricks.

I verge between wanting him to not have done it or reacted differently impossible and then feeling disgusted and angry at myself for thinking like that.

Dd made play doh cookies earlier on and said it was my party today and I could eat them all, so that was nice.

It will do. Especially during the quieter times when you're not preoccupied with the children. You've done loads today too. Remember what the pps have said about small steps.
Do you have plans for tomorrow?

Sending lots of safe hugs to you OP, keep leaning on the amazing people here.

I too have been through similar..... a very long time ago now

I have looked in on this thread since yesterday and have just joined the forum.

You are getting such great support here from some incredible people Be proud of yourselves for walking along a very lonely path with this scared Mum xx

You are so brave and a lovely and caring mother and I am so sorry that you have been through such a terrible time.
You will have better times and smiles again xxxx

You wish he had behaved like a decent human being. Of course you do

It's necessary to grieve for the loss of a relationship, no matter what has ended it.

The grief has to come. Let it happen. Don't be too scared of it.

It's like washing a wound so that it can heal properly. If you let the grief wash through now, even though it hurts to let it, in future you will be able to get to healing so much quicker.

Trying to avoid the grief is like letting the would stay dirty, at risk of infection.

Let every feeling wash through you and know that you are going to be ok x no feeling is forever. Terror and joy, grief and contentment, all of them are temporary, you don't have to fear them xx

OP - huge huge well domes for you!!
You are brave. And you are amazing.
Took me 5 years to stand up to my ex husband. I let this shit happen time and time again.

I'm so pleased to read your updates where the clinic was helpful and they will pass some details into the police.
But I honestly don't think you should wait two weeks.
Rip off the band aid and report it.
His messages and emails are evidence.

Also, your dd is the sweetest. Cheering you up with cookies! Adorable.
See what a great mum you are x

That's a really good way of looking at it, I'm stealing that if you don't mind.

I'm trying really hard not to get angry with myself for so many things. Missing what I thought I had, not spotting signs sooner.

The more and more I read on those threads the more it is apparent that things weren't good at all really.

I've even had an it if a moment when reading the 'types' of abusers. The water torturer one is like reading his biography.

It's terrifying.

Azerothian I've been watching since last night and think you've been incredibly brave and will have helped a lot of people with your thread.

Let your mother help you and keep hugging your DC.

You are no doubt going to feel a range of emotions over the next days, weeks, months. Look after yourself and do what you need to do.

Have you got a picture of the bruise on your back? You need to remember how you felt last night both mentally and physically.

Take care of yourself.

What an awful day for you, @Azerothian

You really have been fantastically strong. I know it is a bit of a cliché but really, you truly should be proud of yourself for taking a stand. Being strong is the hardest thing sometimes.

I'm not long out of an abusive relationship and am pregnant. The police have just finished taking yet another statement from me tonight after more despicable behaviour from him today. I am drained. I sometimes can't believe I did it and walked away, but I NEVER will regret leaving him and his bullying, controlling terrifying world. Never. You will have good moments and bad. Really bad. Just cry, just be kind to yourself and look at your children. You are not just doing this for yourself but for also for them, to show them that there is always a better way and that they have a strong and formidable mother who will get through things.

We both - along with others on this thread - need to be strong tonight. There will be a tomorrow coming where we will wake up and not feel overwhelmed and small, but lighter and brighter because we took those steps.

You're in my thoughts 💐

The doctor recorded a DVD of the close examination and also marked those body charts with descriptions of the bruises. She said all the evidence will be kept there ready.

I still don't feel brave, more like I've had no choice once I admitted to myself what had happened/ who he really is.

I'd be glad if this helps someone. If anyone reads this and recognises anything in the emotional abuse links or on this thread I hope they get out sooner.

I wish I'd read through the relationships section so much sooner.

lollipop7 thank you, so sorry your having to put up with that

I never want dd to feel like I do, never want her to question herself if the worst happens. I never want ds to grow up feeling entitled or abusive. I know this the right thing to do.

(I just keep repeating that to myself in my head when that 'causing a fuss' internal voice pops up)

From a police officer point of view you can make the initial report and then have as much time as you need to progress to telling the full story. You would be allocated a named officer in charge and could potentially meet with them a few times until you feel ready. And if you never feel ready then simply tell them you are no longer participating. Just one word of warning though that once the initial report had been made he would still be interviewed about it eventually even if you did not engage with the process. Happy to answer any police related questions you may have.

You poor thing @Azerothian

All power to your elbow .

You are very very strong op. I'm sorry you had to be. I would definitely change locks tomorrow and package up any of his leftover stuff which you can dump somewhere for him to pick up.

Will you call the police if he starts harassing you face to face?

That causing a fuss internal voice can fuck right off. You've been amazing today and I hope that vile scumbag really is genuinely shitting himself.

Your mum sounds great.

And the compassion you've been shown by the centre actually made me tear up a little - the toiletries and cosmetics are such a lovely and humane part of the service.

OP please don't blame yourself for being in a bad relationship. It is likely that it wasn't all bad and men like him know instinctively how to treat women so that it is very difficult for women to identify what's really going on.

At frightening times women can try to normalise things as much as possible order to create a safe environment. I know I did. It is a survival technique. You protected yourself and your child.

You didn't deserve what happened to you. It is entirely his fault and you did not do anything wrong.

I hope you get some sleep tonight. If you feel confused try to remember all the women here who are supporting you and who are in no doubt that you were raped and that you took the immensely brave step to report it

You are a strong person and a wonderful mother.

If you go to the police, it will help them, you and the CPS to be aware of this thread as it is a contemporaneous record of your account from seconds after the incident. It records your account of the incident, seconds after it happened, your reaction to the incident, his reaction and then your explanation for not running down the road calling the police. It dovetails with his texts which I hope you have kept. Defence barristers love to berate complainants with their failure to run off screaming after the event but you have catalogued your mindset from the outset i.e. need to protect DC, time of day, noise from your partner downstairs, shock etc. Might be best to get thread closed but preserved in some way. This thread could very helpful in a prosecution as it tells your story and details you may forget down the line. Don't waste it. Good luck, whatever you do.

Op i think I speak from all of us here when I say you are truly amazing! The strength and courage you have shown in this god awful time is brave beyond words.
Sending lots of love. what a remarkable woman you are xx