Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

I watched this thread unfold from fifteen messages in last night. I didn't post then simply because the OP was getting lots of great advice and support from other mums. This has been a revelation for me - almost like watching - with horror- a drama unfold. But I have been amazed by the strength of Azero and her courageous description of what happened today with the doctor in the hope that it may help somebody in the future. I've only started reading mumsnet in the last fortnight and I'm blown away by the help, support and love there is out there. Azero - you will be fine. It won't be easy but you have got your kids, good parents and most importantly you have YOU - a strong, brave woman who is showing great courage and is a great example to her daughter. Mumsnet is fab. Women ( mainly!!) supporting women. What you went through last night was horrific - so heal your wounds and I for one look forward to hearing how happy you are soon , free from fear. Xxxxx

I'm so sorry that you were raped, and that thanks to our shitty rape culture, you, like so many victims, are made to doubt your own right to give or withhold consent.

One small point OP....when I did jury duty, we unanimously found the bastard guilty of rape. He denied it, but we believed her. It was clear she was telling the truth.

He raped you.

It's up to you how you deal with that and what you want to do, but I feel actually making it clear to him that's what he did would be a good thing. And please don't bottle it up inside, try to talk to someone about it - there are anonymous services to do this.

Everyone here wants to help and support you, so don't feel alone. Because you aren't.

"I know the prosecution rates aren't great"

To be fair, very few rape survivors go to a SARC the very next day. In your case there is forensic evidence and even countless messages in which he is clearly admitting his guilt. So I think it would be a very strong case. However, I'm not an expert and perhaps the SARC can advise or put you in touch with a solicitor who could advise.

Having said all that, although I hope you do decide to report it to the police, I also respect your right not to report if you decide that it would be too difficult or painful for you. You don't owe anyone anything.

"That's about as far as I've got with practical arrangements" jeez louise! How much have you managed today!! You wouldn't care to sort out brexit while you're at it?
Forgive me if the above sounds flippant but I'm quite staggered by the extent to which you're on control of this situation having been through something so shocking. It's amazing.

Lol Karlos, very true!

Having read the thread I think the 2 week wait is because the OP wants to see if he has done anything like this before from the police records. At least I think it was this, forgive me OP if it isn't why. I am so hoping you are able to recover from this ordeal my dear hold tight and Good Luck , Take care of you and your DCS

I really don't feel amazing, or brave, but thank you. I feel like I'm going a bit mad tbh, up and down like a yo-yo and I can't stop re-running it despite trying to distract myself.

And even after the clinic and reassurance I've had irl and on here there is still that highly voice saying I'm overreacting and tearing my family apart for nothing.

I know that's not true, I know that it's not me that caused it. It's still there though. I guess that why I'm not ready to take it all the way to reporting it. For now I'm happy they are being passed the information.

The conviction rates aren't great and a not guilty verdict is very hard to take but if it gets to court it means that the police and the CPS do think that he has a case to answer. A not guilty verdict doesn't mean that the professionals you have met don't believe you, for it to have got to court it means that they do think that he has a case to answer. It also starts to flag him as a dangerous individual. It makes him engage with his behaviour whatever the legal outcome. You may also wish to consider future contact arrangements with your DC when making any choices. You need to do what is right for you and your DC.

And yes, I am thinking that maybe they will be contacting me (she said they would if there were any past reports etc.)

I know from personal experience that the prosecution process is really, really hard to go through as a victim, but women do get throught it and rapists do get convicted.

Now you've had the medical evidence gathered within 24hrs, you have just pushed your chance of achieving a conviction up if you choose to report. His messages to you push it up further still - they show that he knows what happened was wrong. You would have a very strong case if you chose to report.

Depressingly, it's unlikely that you are the first woman he's done this to. It's about time someone stood up to him, and you are doing a really good job of it.

OP you're very very brave and courageous and done all the right things. I just wanted to send my love and say I hope others reading your story will realise that reporting and getting checked and importantly leaving the abuser are the right things to do and will feel your strength and do the same. You will have helped other women - too many of whom are in similar situations.

I haven't even thought about contact arrangements yet. It makes me feel sick.

Btw - there isn't any point getting advice from a solicitor as advised above, it would be a waste of money. (Unless the advice is from a family solicitor regarding contact with your DC - that might be very useful indeed).

Victims don't have legal representation in the criminal process, and a solicitor won't be able to do anything for you. If you decide to report and need support with the process, see if you can access the support of an ISVA through your local rape crisis or through the SARC - they are amazing.

If you have questions about the reporting / trial process, there are lots of us on here with experience of it - feel free to PM.

^^This

Gosh OP this is all horrendous. I'm happy you're with your mum

Ignore that voice. That is the voice of a lifetime of rape culture telling you that stranger rape with absolutely no context is the only form of rape there is. Even though actual facts tell us that almost all rape victims know their attackers, and have often had sex with them before. It's still rape and you are NOT overreacting. Do not let that shitbag rapist convince you otherwise.

As PPs have said, you have overwhelming evidence including his text messages (maybe keep your phone somewhere he can't get at it) and that however you choose to proceed from here, you do let him know that yes, it was rape.

Woman
It was me who mentioned a solicitor, sorry - I hadn't put two and two together about the prosecution process, of course it's the criminal court not the family court so the OP doesn't need one. An ISVA would be great though.

Re child contact arrangements, Rights of Women have useful info on their website and a free legal helpline.
rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-information/family-law/child-arrangements-and-domestic-violence-a-handbook-for-women/

That's what I meant about the solicitor. And I didn't mean them particularly just that there would be someone to talk to to handle the aspects of his contact with the dc without op ever having to communicate with him again.

Lastsummer, what in the fuck did I just read? Did you just encourage a rape victim to continue a relationship with her attacker and attempt to love and understand him?

I'm rarely speechless but there are no words for how disgusting you are.

lastsummer you have no idea how vile your "advice" is.

He. Raped. Her.

You are one brave lady.