Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Your DP sounds really kind and thoughtful @Rescuepuppydaft2 it's bloody shameful the amount of partners ignore and disregard their other halves feelings etc

OP you are amazingly brave x

The anger will come and will be directed at him at some point (if not already) please be patient with yourself (I know it's hard thinking why you weren't initially but you are noticing things as your emotions are unravelling) and you've 'processed' thoughts and feelings, you'll be ready for whatever you choose to do next IYSWIM? (Sorry probably rambling now 🤦🏾‍♀️)

The anger at yourself is understandable but completely unjustified: it's easier to be angry at yourself than him, because he's deflecting it. You have intense emotions (rightly) and he's just carrying on as though you shouldn't, not absorbing what he's done or accepting you could be justifiably angry.

But remember that you couldn't know what you couldn't know.

lastsummer are you joking? Why should she? HE RAPED HER there is nothing to build trust on. It's ridiculous to suggest that this is something she should do. My goodness. I sincerely hope this is not advice you would give to anyone in your real life.

Has he ever pushed sex (or sex acts) on you that you didn't really want before?

Out of interest, last summer, what discussions are you supposed to have with a man who raped you? Other than give me back my keys and stay the fuck away from me you piece of shit, that is.

Oddly enough, even with everything going on, today my thoughts have been preoccupied with that exact question.

I love the man I'd managed to convince myself I was with.

That's not him though.

I'll never be able to get over what he did, the sarcasm when I was crying and sending emails trying to guilt trip me and believe what is happening now is my fault while I was in a clinic having an intrusive camera instrument.

I never want to be in the same room as him again.

And OP you have been incredibly brave. I can't imagine how you have been feeling and just want to say you are ace

Ravenesque

Almost exactly the same thing happened to me a few years back but I woke up when he was actually inside me.
I did the same; bollocked him, and next morning we talked about how out of order he was because he knew I didn't think of him in that way, never mind agree to shag him!
I only told 2 friends, both of whom kind of thought it was an idiotic thing for him to do but none of us mentioned rape. Looking back now however......

Yes, quite. He has told you who is and you are listening, not burying your head in the sand.

lastsummer, out of interest, would you be saying the same thing to OP if he had punched her?

lastsummer what is the matter with you?! He raped the OP! Why would OP meet up with her rapist? He is dangerous, a criminal. He assaulted OP. Your comment is irresponsible.

He isn't remorseful in the slightest.

He is blaming OP for doing this to him!

He is only sorry he misjudged what he could get away with doing to OP because it affects him. Not because of any affect it has had on OP.

Lastsummer

Are you high on E maybe. FFS!!

I can't begin to imagine what you're going through OP but I have read your thread and your courage and strength is incredible and will be an inspiration to others who find themselves in an awful situation and read this.
Sending hugs!xx

He's obviously figured out you've blocked him and is now resorting to email to harass you. I too wonder if this isn't the first time he's done it.

The hardest bit is done now - you have left the house, told your mum and gone through the medical exam. Please think about picking up the phone and calling the Police. They will come see you and then do an interview on video with you. The evidence has already been collected by the sarc. Please just think about it.

You're so brave. You are doing wonderfully. :)

op. You are frankly, amazing. You are safe, and reflecting on the relations a whole. I expect that any man who did what he did has a history of being a colossal arse-wipe.

You're so much safer now it's out in the open, I'm really glad you told your lovely Mum. Don't be angry with yourself, you're not to blame in any way. He isn't sorry, he's sorry that you reacted, and now he's shitting his pants, men like him need stringing up.😡
If the house is yours, Im pretty sure you said that it was, could you get the locks changed ? You truly are an amazing young woman, you dug deep, and stormed on. Your children are very lucky to have such a courageous Mother. Please be extra kind to yourself.💐

OP, you are doing so well.

Odds are he will have done this before: slick scripts, opportunism, attention deflections & red flags coming to light. If there any records of previous assaults, allegations or convictions, seeing it in black & white as an official document can only bolster your resolve to make the next decison required.

Whilst he is away from your home, get the locks changed. It's your home & you need for it to be made secure whether you are there or not. If he needs stuff from the house, he can negotiate, with you or your proxy, for it to be on the doorstep at a pre-arranged date & time.

for you, for your mum & for other posters.

I've told myself I will think seriously about reporting it to the police after the two weeks. Just to have time to think it through, I know the prosecution rates aren't great and I'm not sure I could handle a 'not guilty'.

OP you are awesome, seriously you really are. Well done.

@LastSummer, go and flush your head. You know nothing.

I'm staying at mums tonight but will be arranging to have the locks changed tomorrow ready for when we go back.

I've ordered a new bank card and that's about as far as I've got re: practical arrangements.

OP, just sharing a few links in case you find them helpful:
Signs of emotional abuse
Am I in an abusive relationship?
The Abuser Profiles

I strongly advise you to call Rape Crisis or Women's Aid and, longer term, get some counselling in place. There is also the Freedom Programme.

I've told myself I will think seriously about reporting it to the police after the two weeks

I've missed a post somewhere and can't see where so I apologise but why are you not considering reporting it for a fortnight?

You have been raped.You verbally refused. Freezing is one of the behaviours of humans under stress/threat/fear so it's not unusual. But freezing doesn't mean you consent. You said 'no'. He ignored you. You have been raped. Accept his apology and he will likely do it again. It's a well known cycle of...apology....repeat the act....apology....repeat