Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

www.lifewire.com/auto-filter-sender-mail-to-folder-outlook-1173804 incase you need to keep his emails

Well done for telling your mum and going to to the Centre. That's an incredibly brave step to take. You're doing so well. Keep taking it one step at a time. Do not concern yourself with him.

Well done on telling your Mum, OP. Let her look after you and your kids and keep blocking him every time he find a new way to harass you. He is shitting himself now because he didn't get away with it. Possibly even saying 'you said you could forgive me' as he suspects he's going to get in trouble and will say you did say that to him and use his email as 'proof' (it's not proof, it's just him saying you did say it). Don't engage but save everything.

I would unblock him and keep a record of all the calls and messages and show them to the police. He is bound to incriminate himself.

So sorry he did this to you.

I think you are amazingly strong for acting on this. I am so sorry you are going through such a horrible event, but going to the centre and telling your Mum was definitely the right thing to do.

golfin is spot on, you have behaved in exactly the way we all hope we would (and in my case wish I had) in this situation. You're incredibly brave, sending love and strength

You are amazing.
If you do decide to go to the police, I would mention his ex to them as they might find he's done the same to her which would provide more corroboration.
Keep going, you awesome woman

I just wanted to say I'm so sorry for what he has put you through.

Also that you are coping amazingly, you might not feel like it but you are a very strong and brave person.

You are a brave incredible woman OP.

sending you strength and good thoughts

There is a part of me that is wondering if he's doing this before.

Yes, I was wondering that too.

You're doing great, I'm so glad that your mum is there for you.

Just wanted to add my voice to those saying how well you are managing things. Brave describes you exactly.

You're doing so so well and I'm glad you've got RL support too.
I hope you don't mind me saying that i think You're incredibly brave and a real inspiration.

Is he still in your house, OP?

I admire the way you have stood up for yourself. So sorry this has happened to you, what lucky children you have, you sound like a lovely lady.

To echo everyone else OP, well done for telling your mum. Take things step by step and let her take care of you and help where she can. You are incredible x

You're doing so well.
I feel so proud of you, and I don't event know you!

I'm so glad you've been able to get to your mum's and the clinic. You're amazing. It is so hard to do those things. I've been raped and did nothing because I didn't think I'd be believed, and frankly as it was in the early eighties, chances are I wouldn't have been. I also had an experience with a friend ex-friend, which is a stupidly long story of me not wanting him to stay over, saying he could stay over, not wanting him in my bed, giving in to him being in my bed, me in full on flannel pyjamas and waking up to find him jabbing his penis around my vulva trying to get it in. I flung him out of the bed, but not out of the house. The next morning he acted as though it was a little bit of a mistake. Friends I told treated it as a sort of joke, because I suppose I did too. But it wasn't and I wish I'd done more both times.

You're an inspiration to all of us. Thank you and take care of yourself.

OP I couldn't help a wry smile when you updated that he said you'd told him you would forgive him. I have no doubt that's very deliberate, to try and set up undermining your credibility later if he needs too.

Yeah, well, mate, forensic evidence trumps lies!

He's obviously shitting himself. GOOD!!!

Thank you, still on that massive swing, between thinking I can do this and storms of crying in the bathroom while dm looks after the dc.

I've set up that email folder, before I finished, the last message mentioned he'd gone to his mums, he can't believe I'm doing this to him and he fed the cat. It had a conversational tone that upset me more than the previous begging ones.

On the plus side I'm not doubting what happened anymore, the clinic cemented it into reality for me I think. I also didn't want to go in at first because I honestly thought it wasn't bad enough and they'd think I was a time waster.

Dm has gone to work now but my DF has come here to sit with me and dc.

he can't believe I'm doing this to him. He's making this all about him and therefore minimising his part in it and marginalising your feelings, physically and emotionally. It isn't. It's about what he's done to you. Stay strong.

Op you are doing so well. The message about you forgiving him is actually evidence of his guilt. You can only be asked to forgive something that was wrong so it is an admission that it was not consensual. Keep the message and use it if you ever decide to go to the police. Keep strong.

More and more things are sort of coming to the surface. I've been reading that 'Right Everybody' thread at the top of relationships (if I'd only read it sooner) and actually more things were wrong than I'd realised.

I'm starting to feel some anger but at myself for not realising. I should be saving it all for him.

You are so brave op! I hope that you find the strength to go forward with pressing charges! Between the forensic evidence that you so bravely gathered and his very incriminating texts and emails, you will not only be believed, you have an excellent chance of taking this all the way! Please don't feel guilty if he does end up in prison! He is very manipulative and abusive, he not only raped you, he showed no remorse, just sarcasm and an attempt to blame everything on you!

Last night my dh and I started intercourse, but it really hurt, my dh stopped immediately, apologised and gave me a big hug. It wasn't his fault that I hurt (he was incredibly gentle, I had a muscle spasm) yet he apologised a dozen times and more and kept asking if I was OK. I offered to do something for him and he refused, saying it wasn't fair so he just held me instead. That is how a loving and good man (should react) reacts when he has hurt his partner/ wife.