Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Hand holds from me op. I may have missed it but was he the father of your dcs?

Echoing what others have said, keep ALL the messages he sends you. You absolutely do not have to persue this with the police if you don't want to or don't feel able, but in the event that you do want to (even if it's not for a while) these messages will be vital for you. Save all he sends you directly and screenshot anything online that he might be able to delete or that would disappear if he deleted his account. Keep your chin up OP, you are doing so so well.

You've nailed him - in your head which is where it counts. And the dumb shit has given you the means to nail him in court too, if that is what you want.
You hold all the cards now. Amazing how stupid and complacent some men can be.

Dsd is actually due back off holiday with mil today, she's never really mentioned anything about their old relationship, but the poor girl (teenager) is quite troubled herself at the minute, self harming etc.

I've told my mum, she's furious but acting normal infront of the dc. She gave me a big hug which made me break down in a good way I think.

Does anyone know how I block emails through outlook? I keep getting beauty's like this.

'Azerothian please I'm begging you, don't do this. What happened was wrong and I'm so sorry. You told me you could forgive me. I love you with all my heart. Please talk to me'

I told him no such thing.

I'm in awe of you OP. You have been very very brave today. Braver than I was. Please take care of yourself whatever you decide to do

He is the father of my dc.

Well done!

There is a part of me that is wondering if he's doing this before. I know his ex left with their daughter quite suddenly and he talks about how evil and abusive she was. It was a bloody big red flag wasn't it?

It is only natural to want to believe a man you are in love with.
That's how they get away with it.

But yeah, a man having an "evil" ex is a dark orange flag, same as the "crazy" ex.
Especially if he left a child with said allegedly so dangerous ex and doesn't seem to make much of an effort to ensure that the child is safe.

I was told I was the one thousandth something visitor to the centre since it opened four years ago. That's just for this town, none of the surrounding areas.

That combined with how many on this thread have suffered similar is horrific, I'm so sorry that I had no idea.

The doctor made me feel braver, she was so lovely.

Oh I'm sorry. I'm sure you can ensure you still never have to see him again though. Maybe talk to a social worker or lawyer, I'm sure someone can advise you in the correct way to go from here. If that's what you want. I'd find it painful to see the fucker again.

Good on you for telling your Mum. Let her look after you. Be very kind to yourself.

OP, it's rape culture, pure and simple. Men have been taught that women are here to service their needs and that their needs come before anything....it's total entitled thinking and it is NOT acceptable. You'll get through this x

This is the most inspiring thread I've ever read on MN, and I've been here a while.

A brave woman behaving how we all know we should in this situation, I hope it gives confidence to others.

Look after yourself and your little ones OP. x

Azerothian - can you set up an email folder labelled "arsehole" or similar and create a rule for anything coming from his email address to go straight there? That way you won't have to cope with his messages in your inbox, but you'll still have them in case you want to submit them to the police. for you.

I've just rtft and I think you have done so so well OP. Let your mum look after you, take this hour by hour and don't feel you have to make any decisions or take any actions at the moment other than making sure you and your kids are OK. He's reacting the way that he is because he knows he was very very in the wrong for doing what he did

Well done OP, that was incredibly brave of you. I hope things start to improve for you. I haven't been raped but your posts made me realise how rape causes the victim to doubt themselves and I found myself thinking the same things as you as I listened to your account about uncertainty, disbelief, trying to brush it aside etc.

Despite everything you walked into that Centre and told them. How incredible are you? Your children are so lucky to have such a wonderful mum.

Your posts have taught me more about rape than I have learned in 50 years. Thank you for posting and I am thinking about you. Take care of yourself x

I agree. I think this thread may help others in the future op. Even though you may not feel it you've been incredibly brave and I think you're great.

It might be an idea to send one last text from your phone "please stop harassing me" then if you do decide to go along the reporting to the police route. It also shows you've asked him to STOP! Any subsequent texts are viewed as harassment.

You could even get your mum to do it (needs to be from your number though)

I'm not sure how to do links but if someone can figure this out it should tell you how to block emails in outlook
www.lifewire.com/block-sender-outlook-1170655

He will never change. He will keep on doing this, regardless of the pauses between his entitled shitty disrespectful behaviour. You are worth SO much more than this. Don't put up with the bastard.

being scared to go to centre but doing it anyway is exactly what being brave is. Well done.

Also you have protected your children from what you are going through and got support from your mum. You are an amazing lady. xxx

I agree entirely with golfin and other posters, your thread is absolutely inspiring. I am going to get my 20 year old DD to read it as it will educate her about rape and the conflicting feelings that rape victims may experience.

Well done, you're so brave. Sorry you are having to face all this.

I have nothing of use to add as only just reading this now but I'm so sorry this happened to you

So you are going through this OP but well done for your amazing response

*Sorry rather