Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Oh lovey

He forced himself on you . . About he didn't hear you say it !!!

These men who crave anal ,, wonder how THEY would like a dildo up their own backsides even once . let alone a second time ? There's an idea OP .

Nothing to add that previous posters haven't said, but just wanted to send support and love. I've been where you are now, and I didn't report it, didn't even realise it was wrong (it was many years ago), and so of course it happened again and again.

Stay strong, you have been raped and you are being incredibly brave, take heart that loads of people on here are supporting you and wishing you the very best

You are very strong.

Keep his texts, they're evidence.

Possibly also this thread.

His subsequent behaviour shows so clearly, that he knew what he was doing and believes he was entitled to do it. He's furious with you for not accepting that and responding in a way which tells him that he's not entitled to do it. He's a common or garden rapist and whatever else happens, you and your child are better off without him in your home, your bed and your life.

Keep going. I'm so glad you have RL support.

Hope all goes ok at your appointment.

Agree - do not delete the messages. I would possibly screen shot them and email yourself just incase he ever gets hold of your phone and deletes them.

Thinking of you OP, hope you can reach out to your mum soon x

You are very grave. Don't be swayed by his texts. I watched the tea video last night, it's very clear.
Good luck at the centre later.

I've got tears in my eyes OP reading your posts. Another handhold from me. You are so brave and strong. I'm so relieved to read your posts this morning and that you're now at your mums

OP you are being amazingly brave, well done. sending you .

So glad to see you are at your mum's. Good luck for your appointment later.
You are so brave. Your DCs are lucky to have a mum like you who won't sweep this behaviour under the carpet.

Good luck with the appointment. One step at a time. First thing is your health and then you can think about other stuff.

Wishing you warmth and safety and good luck today Lady, whatever you decide to do

Brave, not grave.

Just another one thinking of you today OP. Be gentle on yourself, so glad you've got your mum with you.

Hope it goes ok at the centre x

Thinking of you OP, just take things one step at a time, you're being so brave

You are incredibly strong. Keep on going and you can do this. We believe in you.

Good luck ar your appointment OP. We are all thinking of you! You have been so strong, be proud of yourself xx

Solidarity OP. You are dealing as well as can be expected.

I'm back now.

It was surreal walking around the shop, I kept looking at people and wanting to explain why I looked a mess. No one was even looking or judging I'm sure. That's not normal is it?

I'm very lucky with my mum. We are very close and she only lives 15 minutes drive from my house. I don't know where else I would have gone if we weren't.

I got a call just after 11 from the centre, the lady that was going in at 11 cancelled so instead of half one I just went down.

I just can't describe how amazing the doctor and the receptionist were. She explained everything and made sure I was comfortable all the way through the examination.

There is actually some nasty bruising on my lower area where he was holding me that I didn't even notice before the doctor did. There is no really terrible injury thankfully but there is some tearing and bruising.

She did a DVD of the examination but it isn't like it sounds.

I even got to have a shower, and was given a care bag full of toiletries, makeup etc.

I hope if anyone reads this thread in the future that that description helps. Don't get me wrong, I was upset and felt sick but it was not the complete horror I was imagining.

I did and information request (or something I can't remember exactly what she called it) where it's not exactly a report to the police just yet, but they send his details l, check it against any future or past crimes and may want a chat if I'm able if anything comes up.

I feel a bit braver now it's out there, like I've done something about it.

Goodness me, you are one brave woman.

I hope the bastard is absolutely shitting himself.

As someone who has been through it, I am so fucking proud of you. I buried my head in the sand. You are incredibly strong and your children are lucky to have you as their rock x

Oh I'm so glad you went and it wasn't as bad as you feared and they were supportive.

Well done. You have done amazingly. I hope you can take some time to just curl up and lick your wounds now.

There is always the Rape Crisis or Women's Aid helpline if you want to talk to someone (other than us or your mum that is).

He definitely is. I have just had to block him on Facebook first.

Long messages about how awful he feels etc and how I must forgive him.

Well done op, I know it's hard, but you will get through this, and you have given yourself the option to report by having the evidence put on file.

I could not be with a man like this. He is a rapist.