Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

Your mum sounds great. Good that she understands something is wrong but is waiting for you to tell her when you're ready. I guess it's difficult with the children. Presumably she will look after them while you go to the appointment?

@Azerothian I'm glad you and the kids got out safely this morning, must have been a difficult sleep but I gather from your updated posts that you know a bit more how you felt and how you feel now.

I hope you get to talk to someone later you feel comfortable with (even if it's not your mum) at the centre place (sorry can't remember the name of it) x

Azerothian

Please, I dont want to panic you, but check your Iphone security, turn off file sharing and lock it down. Just in case.
www.theguardian.com/commentisfree/2015/jan/22/tempted-tracking-app-partner-spywear

support.apple.com/en-gb/HT201301

@ohamIreally (((((Mega Hugs))))))) for you too

Op, I think you have been incredibly brave and level headed. I have been where you are and it does seem like you are 'making a fuss'. The police take this VERY seriously so please do take any advice the centre gives you today. I am sure they will treat you with sensitivity and kindness.

That is a good thought about the location sharing and file sharing.
Does he know your Apple ID password?
Do you have 2 step verification?

Protect yourself as much you can.

When my ex husband realised I was breaking away and wouldn't endure his torture anymore he planted a bug in my living room, I'm pretty sure he planted one in my car and he tracked my phone.

I'm divorced now with a non mol and PSO protecting me and the kids from him.

Your doing awesome OP.
More power to you xx

Just read your thread OP and although I can even begin to understand and don't really have any advice (as I don't know enough about this kind of thing) but just wanted to say you've got so much support here, please keep talking and I really hope your as okay as you can be. Glad your now safe

*cant

Tel your Mum my Lovely, you'll feel so much less alone, if you can manage to. You're being incredibly brave and level headed, after your dreadful ordeal.Thinking of you, and sending you strength.

You're doing so very very well OP.

We believe in you, You can do it. Please just write it on a piece of paper and tell your Mum.

She is your Rock

Op, you're doing brilliantly, absolutely brilliantly, don't feel pressured to do anything faster than what comes naturally, you'll tell your mum when it feels best, she knows this, she sounds very wise, I'm so glad you've got her.

Best of luck with the appointment, I'll be thinking of you

Yes to what Bastard said. I shouldn't be pushing you before you feel ready. I apologise

I've not much useful to add but tell your mum. She loves you and she will not judge you but she will want to know so that she can help you at this difficult time. Hugs, prayers {flowers]

Oh bless you love. Try your best to tell her. It will help. She will know something is up already love. You're being so brave

Take the sex angle out of the equation.
He did something which you declined because you knew it would be painful.
He did it anyway even though he knew it would hurt you.
He assaulted you

You're doing so well OP. Don't worry about your feelings - whatever they are, however often they change, or don't, is ok, is normal after being raped. There's no right or wrong way to respond (apart from what's right for you).

I'm really impressed that you got out of the house and went to your mums so fast. That was quite something. Well done!

Penetration with a penis without consent is rape. Not assault.

You are really brave. Even if you don't feel you are.

Just concentrate as you are one small step at a time.

I am glad the professional reassured you.

Do go and make sure there are no injuries. You weren't relaxed or willing so even though you had previously done this get checked.

He only feels awful and sorry because he knows he could be in a shit load of trouble. Not for you. For himself.

The lack of radio silence is because he needs to get you talking this time to protect himself. Last time it was to punish you for splitting with him.

You're doing everything you should be to seek help OP, you're doing so well xx

Just read the full thread and think you're an amazing, strong woman.

Just wanted to say you are doing brilliantly. Tell your mum. She will be able to support you and he may try and get to you through her. Forewarned is forearmed.

"Penetration with a penis without consent is rape. Not assault"
I'm totally aware of that, thank you.

I pointed out that he caused her physical harm, regardless of which part of his body he used.

Glad you're with your mum.

Breakfast - it was meant as a clarification, not an attack.

It can be easy for some people to think something along the lines of "if it was an assault, not rape, it's maybe not as bad as it could have been". Either the survivor or commenters so I was clarifying to help ensure there was no doubt.

Because that's something I've been through myself and it didn't help.