Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

[Azerothian]

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

I'm so sorry this happened to you OP.

If it's hard to tell your mum verbally could you show her this thread perhaps?

Please make sure you screenshot those text messages and email them to yourself.

I don't know, I think it will seem more real after and it'll be easier to tell her then.

A text got through just before I blocked him, about how awful he feels and how sorry he is and he loves me.

I don't believe a word of it. Part of me does wish I could but after how he behaved I just can't convince myself and don't want to.

You are being very clear sighted and level headed about the whole thing to be honest, i take my hat off to you.

From a police officer point of view make sure you keep all these texts as if you do decide to report it they are crucial evidence.

He does know I'm on mn sometimes but doesn't know my username. I honestly don't think it'd occur to him to look on here.

Well done you for not believing him.
This is a crucial time. He will do his utmost to convince you that he is the victim here.

But remember HE ADMITTED HE HEARD YOU SAY NO. He heard you. The fact you said it quietly is just proof that you were already shutting down to protect yourself. And he heard you. He's scared and so is going on the attack as a defence.

Don't give in. Stay strong. Have you told your mum yet??

It'd be easy to work out your user name from this, because your post is so identifying.
You're doing brilliantly, trust your instincts. Big hug xx

You've got this OP, you are a strong woman and this monster will not bring you down.

Hope your check up goes ok

Just to echo - keep the text messages, screenshot, email them - everything. They're important reminders to you, and, evidence too, just in case.

Sorry to interrupt your thread, OP, we just wanted to remind everyone that we do not advocate victim blaming on Mumsnet, and link to our We Believe You campaign – please do have a read. We will remove victim-blaming posts, so please do report any of these that you see, and we will take a closer look.

This is classic rapist strategy, trying to derail the event and turn it around on you. Take things one step at a time and don't give him an ounce of sympathy......he didn't give you any. Hope you're okay x

Dont delete that text op.

I will keep everything. I haven't even washed just in case and I'm about to go out with mum to get the dc some new clothes as she didn't have many here in the end.

Clear headed is the last thing I feel, I'm just trying not to think on it too much and just do it.

I'm still waiting for the anger to come.

If you can't tell your mum out loud then you could show her your OP. Xxx

She definitely knows something is very wrong but she's letting me tell her in my own time I think.

I do think it will seem more real after the centre.

In awe of you OP - you are being so strong. As a wise person once said to me "there will be better days" and I find that comforting and hope you do too.

I'm so sorry this happened to you. It's rape but a similar thing happened to me over ten years ago and it's only this year I've been able to admit to myself that someone who I loved and who supposedly cared about me had attempted to rape me. Whatever you decide to do practice self care and make sure you talk to somebody. I've never spoken about what happened to me and it's a toxic thing to hold in. Much love to you x

Azerothian I didn't want to just read and run without telling you how brilliantly you are handling this. He knows he's done wrong and he's trying to back track and pretend it was all just a silly misunderstanding. You know it wasn't and you know he heard you. I hope the appointment helps you to process some of what has happened.

Last thing to add is that forensic evidence doesn't have to be semen- the trauma he has caused and the subsequent text message evidence will likely build a strong case against him. Equally don't be frightened by the idea of forensic evidence- it doesn't mean you have to go further, it just means that if you choose to that he evidence was collected according to proper procedure and will therefore stand up in court. Women don't ordinarily cry rape on established partners without good cause and they know that. They will do everything from a position of belief and will do everything in their power to build a water tight case against him- even if you choose not to take it further. And it is absolutely your choice- a point he would have done well to remember last night.

Lots of love and big hugs to you all

@StarkintheSouth (((((((((((((Mega Hugs)))))))))) for you too

OP someone up thread said that you've had your bodily autonomy taken away and that is a shocking, shocking experience. For all women are used to being objectified we know ourselves to be human beings with our own ideas and wishes and it is horrendous to have someone ignore that. For me it was one of the most difficult things about being raped. As hard as going through the justice process was it was one of the things that helped restore my sense of self. But oh god the doubt and self-questioning and shame were terrible i really want to give you a hand hold and tell you not to do that. At the point you removed your consent and he knew that then it was rape and he bloody knew it was. Your mum knows something is up she is waiting for you to tell her in your own time. You don't have to go into detail if that's what's worrying you. Mum, he raped me is enough.

Sorry OP I'm a very slow typer- good about your mum xx

Huge hugs for you this morning OP. I'm glad you're with your mum now. Take it one step at a time and take really good care of yourself. You are SO brave and I'm so sorry you're going through all this.

Please ignore the victim blaming (it happens and it's vile).

So pleased you are in a safe place with those who love and care for you.

Best of everything to you x