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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
GettingScaredNow · 19/08/2017 08:52

For me that is the very best approach. Compartmentalise it into tiny steps.
That way no one thing seems too big and unachievable.

Can you block his number on your phone? I did that to my ex husband when I finally got out. As I needed the phone on but he wouldn't leave me alone.
Is it an iPhone?

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2017 08:52

One step at a time Sweetie. (((((Hugs))))))

LastSummer · 19/08/2017 08:53

This reply has been deleted

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nameohnameohname · 19/08/2017 08:53

That's the perfect way to manage it, Azero. One step at a time.

I hope the appointment is helpful. I'm so proud that you're not just sweeping this under the carpet.

fairgame84 · 19/08/2017 08:59

Offering a hand hold for you today Flowers
Please tell your Mum. Given his behaviour last night he may start texting trying to minimise and make you doubt yourself. At least if your Mum knows she can support you.

C0untDucku1a · 19/08/2017 09:01

Well done op. Youre doing so well.

OnTheRise · 19/08/2017 09:01

Of course you're wishing he'd behaved differently. He SHOULD have behaved differently. Your wishing this is no weakness on your part, it's recognition that he could have behaved differently but didn't, that's all. It was his choice to rape you and his choice to behave so badly once that was done.

You're doing brilliantly. Keep going.

(Also, even though he didn't "finish" there might be forensic evidence so don't assume it's pointless going through the examination.)

NotUriGeller · 19/08/2017 09:03

One step at a time is fine - great, even. You've already done step one and got to your mums, and step two and called the centre. You can do this because you ARE doing this. We are with you all the way.

Singleandproud · 19/08/2017 09:05

Well done OP. You are being so strong in a really hard situation.
I would turn off my phone for today as he will no doubt start texting and ringing once he wakes up.

I wonder if he has had a histroy of this with previous partners, he knew he was in the wrong and panicked about you calling the police. I wonder if he has all ready been interviewed before.

ChuffCloud · 19/08/2017 09:07

Does he have your mums phone number and would he be likely to call her if you don't answer your phone?

user1498854363 · 19/08/2017 09:07

OP you have done amazing to protect yourself and dc. You did nothing wrong, you are not to blame. You get to decide what happens next. Keep taking those small steps, allow yourself to be cared for. You are very strong even if you don't feel it.

Just wanted to remind you..

Fitzsimmons · 19/08/2017 09:08

I'm just wondering, if you are struggling to find the words to tell your Mum, could you write them down for her instead? I know that doesn't work for everyone but it does for me.

Flowers for you.

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 09:18

Yes this is an iPhone. Given his past behaviour I don't think he'll call me. When I had the nerve to break up with him it was absolute radio silence for a few days. He's very much the silent treatment kind of person.

If he does start I'll block him though, I can't deal with him right now.

I think that's what was throwing me, last night he was acting like this was something that I am doing to him and not the other way around.

OP posts:
Miserylovescompany2 · 19/08/2017 09:20

You could even text the words to your mum - if you wish?

I took out a non molestation order via a solicitor - I didn't even have to be present at the court - it meant he couldn't come near me or contact me in any way...

One step at a time.

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 09:21

Well that proved me wrong. He's just tried calling twice, the second after I posted that message.

Blocked now.

OP posts:
NotUriGeller · 19/08/2017 09:22

Yes good idea to block his number. You are not doing this to him, you are responding in the right way to what he has done to you. It sounds like he is trying to manipulate you by making you think you are in the wrong. You are not in the wrong, this is not your fault, all blame and shame lies with him.

NameChange30 · 19/08/2017 09:23

You've done brilliantly to go straight to your mum's and make an appointment at the SARC. Honestly, you may not feel brave, but you are. And I think it's a good approach to just take things one step at a time. The next step is the appointment and you don't have to worry about anything else just yet. Do you think you will tell your mum before you go to the apppintment, or will you wait until afterwards?

NameChange30 · 19/08/2017 09:24

LastSummer
Please just fuck the fuck off.
You and any other rape apologists posting on this thread.

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/08/2017 09:25

I wouldn't be surprised if he tries to speak to you via your mum?

He'll be shitting himself - he's on the receiving end now!

TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2017 09:26

You can do this OP, One moment at a time.

Ninjakittysmells · 19/08/2017 09:27

He doesn't know your username on here does he? Just seems a coincidence him calling so quickly after you posted.

I am sorry you are going through this, my ex did similar and I wish I had told him that it was rape and had left sooner.

MineKraftCheese · 19/08/2017 09:27

You are doing so fucking well @Azerothian. You are doing your DD proud Flowers

Miserylovescompany2 · 19/08/2017 09:27

LastSummer are you on glue?

Penguin27 · 19/08/2017 09:28

Oh OP I'm so sorry this has happened to you. You're being so brave. Talk to your mum and get yourself to the appointment this afternoon. You don't have to decide on anything else right now.

Putyourhandsintheair · 19/08/2017 09:28

Well done for blocking his calls OP. You're being very brave.