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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Something has just this second happened with Dp, I don't know how I feel (sex related)

992 replies

Azerothian · 18/08/2017 22:34

I've just come upstairs, I'm actually shaking and crying but I don't know if I'm overreacting or not.

And I'm really sorry but I have to describe certain sexual acts briefly or this post won't make sense (I've seen trigger warnings on here before but don't know how to do them, sorry)

I was downstairs with dp after just managing to get dc to sleep. He initiated sex and I was initially into it. During this time we did do anal sex and I agreed.

The dp went for a 'fag break' (it's actually an e-cig)

When he came back we started to have normal sex but then he wanted to do anal again. I said no because it was now sore.

He was behind me and kept trying.

I started to feel panicky and said no again twice and that I didn't want to. He carried on.

I completely froze, I've never felt anything like it. I wanted him to stop but I just didn't move. Didn't make any effort to push him off or get away. Just locked up.

He stopped and asked what the matter was an if I was ok after about a minute. I started shaking and crying.

He said sorry and that I had only said no quietly. I didn't answer and he said he was really sorry, now knew where the line was and would never do it again.

Then he said 'I'm not going to prison now am I? Was that rape?'

I just said 'don't worry I'm not going to call the police on you' and came upstairs.

I can see in my phone that he has text a few times saying 'I love you' while I've been writing this message.

One half of me wants to cuddle him and pretend it didn't happen, the other half feels like screaming and throwing him out and never looking at him again.

Am I overreacting? He says it's just a mistake but I feel so wrong about it.

OP posts:
Thread gallery
7
Liiinoo · 19/08/2017 08:25

Well done OP. Flowers

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 08:27

It was hard, I almost called it off when she was talking about forensic evidence. There won't be because he didn't 'finish' will there.

I definitely want to be looked at though as I'm still in a good deal of pain, and she said the doctor would check for injuries. I'm definitely not going to my old family go with this!

The appointment is at 1.30. I still haven't told mum, she knows something's wrong obviously but I'm struggling to just come out and say it.

OP posts:
TheMaddHugger · 19/08/2017 08:29

Glad you're at your Mums
Big ((((((Hugs))))))))))

Timefortea99 · 19/08/2017 08:30

Well done. You have done the right thing.

Tell your mum.

BubbleAnimal · 19/08/2017 08:30

Evidence can be bruising or cuts as well. Evidence of injury, not just evidence of him if that makes sense.

Mamahanji · 19/08/2017 08:31

I have nothing to add as pp have already given you really glad advice, but I wanted to say along with everyone else, follow your instinct. The fact that you put the drawers in front of the door, your instincts were on high alert for him!

Tell your mum. There's nothing a mother wouldn't do to protect their child and you'll have it out there and it will make it concrete so you won't convince yourself you overreacted.

You are being so brave Flowers

iismum · 19/08/2017 08:32

OP, you're coping with this amazingly and are being so brave. It's great that you can be with your mum and are in a safe space now.

It's great you've got an appointment at the centre. I don't know how important forensic evidence will be - it seems to me that he has twice admitted what he did in the texts - make sure you show those to the centre.

NotUriGeller · 19/08/2017 08:34

OP you have done so brilliantly to get to your mums and call the centre. They (sadly) deal with this all the time. They will know how to help you.

Go easy on yourself. Try and eat something to keep your blood sugar stable and stay hydrated - it doesn't have to be much. Sipping sweet tea can be enough.

It is completely your choice what you do from here. The dr and other staff at the centre will be able to answer any questions you have.

Every single person on this thread has heard what happened and said it was rape. He heard you say no. Nobody has the right to have sex that the other person doesn't want. I'm so sorry this happened to you and sending you love and strength. Let people help IRL where they can and keep posting here for as long as it helps.

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 08:37

I feed o weak because there is a small part of me that wishes he'd reacted differently, like I could have made it alright if he'd just acted like he gave a crap.

OP posts:
Putyourhandsintheair · 19/08/2017 08:43

That's not weak. That's a natural reaction. Remember all of your reactions at the moment are normal. There is no such thing as a wrong or stupid feeling.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 19/08/2017 08:43

You are not weak, at all. You've actually been incredibly and impressively strong and you should be proud of yourself. The way you feel can only be expected, you've been confronted in the most awful way by the fact the man you love isn't who you thought he was at all.

NotUriGeller · 19/08/2017 08:43

It's ok for you to feel like that. It makes sense that you wish it could all go back to 'normal'. You have had a huge shock and your brain is still wrapping itself around what has happened.

You are not weak though. You have been so strong all night and you are being so strong right now. You are showing bravery that is an absolute credit to you, though you should not be having to show it. We are all here for you x

mswater · 19/08/2017 08:43

I think you're wonderfully strong.

Regarding your mum, just imagine it were your DD (sorry); you're there, you'd want to know what was happening, and you'd want to help. You can do this:

DorothyBastard · 19/08/2017 08:44

You are doing amazingly. You might not feel strong but one day you will look back at the way you're dealing with this and will feel proud of how strong you have been at making difficult decisions. We are all behind you.

traceyturnblatt · 19/08/2017 08:45

Well done. You are being so brace Flowers

ProperLavs · 19/08/2017 08:45

OP, you really are not weak. Of course you wish he had reacted differently, of course you want this all to go away. It's a really nasty thing that has happened, not just the rape, but the betrayal of trust and the destruction of the entire relationship.

traceyturnblatt · 19/08/2017 08:46

*brave!

God, edit button please MN!

GettingScaredNow · 19/08/2017 08:46

I'm in awe of you for getting up and getting on with your plan OP.
So so pleased your taking action.

Can you just show your mum the texts? Then you don't have to say anything. She will immediately know.
He practically admits it.

Sending you massive hugs and strength.
Keep posting OP.

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 08:47

Thank you, this place and you have helped me so much. I think I'd still have been there, confused as hell, if I hadn't posted on here.

Mums insisting on making me a cooked breakfast. I haven't got the heart to tell her I feel too sick. I can't think of it happening to dd, I've never hurt anyone in my life but I'd want to kill I'm sure of it.

OP posts:
SuperLoudPoppingAction · 19/08/2017 08:49

It's all happening very quickly for you.

I hope the SARC appt can help begin to you sort through your feelings. It will be a lot to adjust to.

I wish I had seen this earlier in my life. I hope you find it useful.

www.rapecrisisscotland.org.uk/i-just-froze/

It's hard to face up to what happened but it's much harder to cope with it if you don't allow yourself to be honest about what happened and how wrong his actions were.

ChuffCloud · 19/08/2017 08:49

You have been massively strong and you're doing exactly the right things OP, well done for how you're dealing with this. Please tell your mum, having someone to talk to properly about it will be a help Smile

Original poster
Azerothian · 19/08/2017 08:49

I don't feel brave , I feel like I'm on autopilot. I'm just thinking of it one step at a time, it feels too big to look at all at once iykwim.

Last night I was just thinking about getting to mums, now I'm just thinking about getting to this appointment.

OP posts:
ChocoholicsAnonymous · 19/08/2017 08:50

Don't worry your mum will support you I'm sure

GettingScaredNow · 19/08/2017 08:50

Let her cook, let her care for you.
Eat a few bites if you can. It will help you.
If you can't do it for you, look at your dd and do it for her.

Your so brave. Really you are 💪🏻

SonicBoomBoom · 19/08/2017 08:51

I feed o weak because there is a small part of me that wishes he'd reacted differently, like I could have made it alright if he'd just acted like he gave a crap.

He's forcing your hand, really. It's like he's wondering how much he can get away with treating you terribly (understatement).

I'm so sorry this has happened to you.