#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

[worldupsidedown]

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP hope you are ok, keep strong for both you and your daughter.

My advice would be don't tell your MIL too much about your plans - he is her child and sadly she will always be in his corner, however nice a lady she is. Imagine yourself in her position -you'd always come down on your DD's side, whatever she had done.

Your SHL is on your side, let her lead what you do as her advice will be the right side of the law. As others have said, Shirtly Valentine is the one with the income at the moment - you really don't want to have to apply for benefits at this stage. If you take the moral high ground, despite wanting to set fire to everything he owns - I know, I've been there! - you will be the one who comes out on top.

Arrange for a nice spa weekend - or even a week away with your DD, paid for on his credit card. He can afford it... for now! Nothing is to be gained by staying at home feeling sad.

Keep going, you're doing great!

We're going shopping!

I've left a message with SHL to call me to progress

Been following from first thread, de-lurking to say you are doing brilliantly. I have borrowed some of the advice to help a friend in similar position so you & this thread are helping many I am sure. I know we've kind of moved on from songs but I just want to say when my DM passed away it seemed like every time I was with DD we'd hear You Got the Love by Florence & the Machine. It's our song now. She is same age as your DD & we regularly belt it out in the kitchen.

That's the spirit
Have lots of fun!
And lots of lunch.

As a PP said and provided a link for, adultery isn't the best way to go. Unreasonable behaviour is more straightforward and you can still cite his adultery as one of his unreasonable behaviours. I would however, press your lawyer to get things going with the actual divorce papers.

I know adultery can be slower than unreasonable behaviour, but out of principle I would absolutely be filing under adultery and I would also name her in that. That would be my 'revenge'- I wouldn't touch his stuff or anything, keep it all above board and maintain the moral high ground (very high ground!)

I suspect in this particular situation it wouldn't actually slow it down much at all. I do wonder whether OW is actually aware of the whole situation- tbh that'd be part of the reason I would insist on naming her if I were in your situation, so that there was no doubt in her mind what her role was in the divorce. Who knows- if she's under the impression your marriage was already over, and suddenly she's named in the divorce papers, she might realise what a lying prick he is and leave him .

PPs have said you know her name, and she'd be pretty easy to get contact details for if you know she works with him. See what your SHL says, but personally I couldn't let him get away with just 'unreasonable behaviour'. I'd want it clear how fucking shit he'd been and how she was involved.

^ When talking about contact details etc I mean to name her in the divorce papers, so that she can then be served with the papers as well as him. I don't mean go hunting her down for revenge purposes!

What an arsehole x

I think this is relevant from the link I posted before:
*When people first become aware of adultery they are very often outraged and one of the first reactions may be to seek revenge. This is natural enough but one should be wary of the temptation to name the Co-Respondent (the outside party) in the divorce petition. This is because (a) it is not actually necessary to name the Co-Respondent and (b) not naming the Co-Respondent usually makes the divorce process easier. The reason for this latter is that if the Co-Respondent is named the divorce petition needs to be served on him/her. There can sometimes be difficulties of service when there is only one person to serve. To add to the number of people who must be served with the divorce petition merely doubles the chance of difficulty. The Petitioner should also bear in mind that the Co-Respondent has no particular incentive to co-operate by returning the papers to the court and this is exacerbated by the fact that that the person guilty of the adultery and the Co-Respondent may be ordered to pay the costs of the divorce by the court if there is no agreement to the contrary. Few people accept that cheerfully.

Strangely enough, there are often unexpected advantages in obtaining a divorce based on adultery. Such divorces are very often not "amicable" for obvious enough reasons. Nevertheless, what often happens is that the person who has committed the adultery either (a) feels guilty and/or (b) wants to remarry quickly. Each of these factors can very often lead to them agreeing to a financial settlement more unfavourable to them than they might otherwise have done. Although it may be scant consolation for a broken marriage the truth of the matter is still that either of the above two factors can lead to a more favourable financial settlement for the "innocent" party. If such is the case it is sensible to profit from the opportunity while it lasts because very often attitudes harden if the impulse is not acted upon quickly. This does occasionally present unexpected opportunities for resolving financial matters very quickly and favourably.

Incidentally, it is particularly important to be alive to this possibility because in UK divorce law the courts care not a jot that one of the parties to the marriage has committed adultery if they are asked to decide upon any matter relating either to the financial aspects or to the children. The fact of adultery is irrelevant to either of these legal decisions and the days of the courts "punishing" someone for adultery in questions involving child custody or capital division or whatever are long since over. One must therefore be particularly aware of the psychological rather than strictly legal advantages of this ground for divorce.*
Here's one I made earlier

Put it all in the car and drive it to his mums.

OuaisMaisBon (love the name!) That's good info from your link- my personal feeling would be:

1st paragraph: I'd want her named- the possible delay would be outweighed in my mind by the satisfaction I'd get . A huge factor to me would be that it leaves her with little doubt about what the situation was/is. If she was fully aware that he was deceiving his wife then she deserves to be on the papers. If she wasn't aware and thought the marriage was over then she'll probably dump him if she has any sense- in which case I might consider removing her name. I'd be in a rush to serve him with divorce papers, but delays in the process hurt the OP less than the DH- he's the one who's trying to start a new life, nothing particularly needs to change for OP immediately (assuming he moves out, which I think he will).

2nd paragraph: I'd want him to feel that guilt and have to fully face up, legally, to what he's done. 'Unreasonable behaviour' would be a cop out in my eyes. Whilst it doesn't change how much the courts would award either party, it may, if he has any shred of decency left, encourage him to be a little less of a selfish prick when it comes to the whole process. Added to which it's humiliating for him- he has humiliated the OP and he deserves to face up to that.

That is all what I would do though- it's not necessarily the right thing to do at all, just what I know I would need to do for my own peace of mind

I'd do exactly the same. And I think naming her gives some leverage - for example OP could say she'll withdraw the OW's name once she's been served with the petition if the husband admits adultery and agrees to pay all her costs.

OP could say she'll withdraw the OW's qname once she's been served with the petition if the husband admits adultery and agrees to pay all her costs

This is a great idea!

Haha shirty valentine superb

Hi world

Retail therapy, just what's needed😊

Get take away delivery tonight and few glasses of wine, relax.

Keep eye on the cc online!!

He's just a cold and calculating twat, true colours come are coming out now.
Hard to believe you knew him as a different person

Xx

Delurking World to offer my support. Another here who has been through this shit and sorry that you are joining our ranks. Would it be helpful to have a lock fitted to your bedroom door? You will then be able to keep your privacy and ensure he doesn't remove anything you don't want him to. Also buy yourself some nice new bedding- anything that puts a distance between you will help.

You are doing amazingly. He really is a prize pillock... which OW will I imagine in good time come to realise. I am glad to read you have a SHL on the case. Hope you enjoyed the lunch and retail therapy. Any purchases are more than deserved!

Good luck OP. I wouldn't try to move anything without him being there but I would definitely try to get it moving to make him leave! X

Hope you and your daughter have a lively weekend!

Coming back to comment about the divorce. Whilst you definitely need your SHL for the financial order you don't need her for the divorce and all the phone calls back and forth will be adding to her billable hours. Remember that there is a pot of money and assets that need to be divided and regardless of whether you pay or he pays it is all coming out of the same pot and therefore reduces the amount available. I downloaded the divorce petition, filled it in myself (with a bit of googling as to the language needed and some help from mumsnet), posted it with the court fee £550 and got my nisi through a few weeks later. There was no need for mediation and it hasn't been suggested for the financial order either.

what impact would actually naming her have on her? just curious

Is it today your MIL is coming?

Gah, his twattiness continues!

Abigailgabble They get sent the divorce papers and have to sign to confirm that they are/were in a sexual relationship with the other party. They can decline etc, so it can drag things out, and commonly people don't bother. I would want to out of principle, but if they then refused I'd probably just 'un-name' them and remove them from the papers to keep it simple.

My primary reason for naming her here would be so that she gets sent the papers and recognises the seriousness of what's happened. Maybe that's just petty of me, but I would need to for peace of mind. (I am NOT blaming the OW for the affair as DH made the vows and we don't know the details- she may be a humungous bitch, or she may have been deceived by him too, we don't know- but I would want her to realise the situation).

(Technically though I think if they admit to it they can be made to contribute to the divorce costs- not the financial settlement, but legal fees etc)