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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

#4 He's gone to Athens to be with her

626 replies

worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 02:58

So, that's it then. He's left to meet her in Athens. He's read my note but I've not had any reply yet

When you pack you leave for your love in Athens please take everything with you. PLEASE DO NOT RETURN

You checked out of this marriage when you decided to be with her instead of us and it is causing us too much pain to have you under our roof.

My daughter is too fragile to keep having you in our presence and I am trying to hold myself together for her.

Please do at least one honest thing and leave.

World - YOUR WIFE

OP posts:
Loopytiles · 18/08/2017 09:14

You can't legally make him leave, so the divorce is the best way to progress this.

Ktown · 18/08/2017 09:15

Hopefully he won't cope too well with the heat. If she is Greek her family mostly likely won't take too well to her rocking up with a married man - so they can forget about the dowry.

Loopytiles · 18/08/2017 09:15

Beenthere: OP can't legally require her ex to do that.

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 09:16

Just a thought while he is not home, go round the house and pick up things that matter to you, the photo albums, bank statements, bonds, investments, so you have all the details.
People don't realise somethings you love are things he may grab on his way out, if he decided to leave while your not home then what would you hate for him to take?
Then put them safe at a friends for now.
Divorce him now, so his coming home gift is a legal pack,
The more he delays the less you get, time to realise you need to protect yourself for the life you want after the twat.

Mustang27 · 18/08/2017 09:19

It's ridiculous that she can't make him leave. So he is allowed to continually damage his dd and worlds mh because??!?! Well what's the reason it's bloody sickening.

innagazing · 18/08/2017 09:23

Good Morning World
Him living at the house and his wall of silence is a horrible way to live, and really not sustainable if you and DD are to keep your spirits up. Well done for leaving the note, and it hits just the right tone. Even he must see that it really isn't going to work, and he has to move out.

This weekend while he's away is going to be very hard for you I would imagine. I hope having his DM around tomorrow is of some help, and that you can get her support in also telling him he has to move out immediately.

Maybe as someone else suggested, you and DD should take yourselves off for a night or two, with or without DGM in tow? I hear Mama Mia the touring show is on at The Brighton Centre, and there's plenty of other distractions in the area too. Just throw a few things in a bag and go and enjoy some mother and daughter time.

It'll get a bit easier no doubt after the weekend has passed, and after he moves out. You're right not to involve his work at all. Keep your integrity, which you have in abundance. Keep your chin up, you're doing really well in these horrible circumstances.

Beentherelefthimgotthetshirt · 18/08/2017 09:24

Loopy there is nothing illegal about what I've suggested. STBXH is not locked out of the home he owns but he is being encouraged and facilitated to leave in a reasonable way.

It is untenable and hugely detrimental at an emotional level for OP and DD to live with him coming home like this. OP needs to get the seriousness of this through to him and make him act.

ThumbWitchesAbroad · 18/08/2017 09:25

Got to agree with the majority, use this time to sort yourself and your home out to your advantage, start divorce proceedings, pile all his stuff into binbags etc.
Call his mother and ask her if she will take the binbags; if not, dump them in his car (unless you use it).
Talk to a solicitor and find out what you can and can't do.

And yes, keep anything you truly value safe and out of the way so he can't either decide to take it or break it just for the hell of it.

ALso, use the time to go through all paperwork and find anything and everything that you might need.

Action time!

SchnitzelVonKrumm · 18/08/2017 09:25

I think everyone's getting a bit carried away with this meeting her family stuff. We've no idea if he is. It's just as likely that she's seen family elsewhere and is catching up with friends in Athens. They might even be sailing. And honestly it doesn't matter. World has the information she needs.

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 09:28

Mustang it works both ways, would you like to arrive home from work to find your locked out of your home and your clothing is in the drive way, and that the police can do nothing.
This is why it has to be done properly.

SparklyMagpie · 18/08/2017 09:30

I'd concentrate on you and DD, and definitely get the ball rolling on divorce. I'm so sorry he's doing this to you

Mustang27 · 18/08/2017 09:33

Ok I get it but mummy Iv had 3 serious relationships and in the 2 that's ended I have been the one to pack my stuff and go. First one was my first love we were together 8yrs he was a good guy but just didn't love him it was me that had the problem so I went I didn't drag that out, second was an abusive controlling relationship I also packed my shit and left once I'd got some balls. Why torture a person there are other options here. He could live with his mum for one.

If the shoe was on the other foot for this selfish arse I'm pretty convinced he wouldn't be putting up with world floating in and out as she pleased ignoring her daughter and spending all their money on a younger man.

innagazing · 18/08/2017 09:36

Just to add, I really think you should do nothing with his clothes while he's away. You've told him already not to return to live at the house after Athens. Now you just have to wait to see whether he will respect that, and collect his clothes after he returns.
He'll have to find an airbnb etc til he can sort himself out with something longer term. He has to do this for himself, it's not your problem.
Make it very clear to his mother how horrible the last week has been with his silence and general presence.

Bambamrubblesmum · 18/08/2017 09:37

Unfortunately property law isn't based on emotional needs. It's based on ownership. He is a co-owner and therefore legally entitled to have free and uninhibited access to his property.

As PP said, if the OP went away for a weekend he's not allowed to throw her stuff out or find her alternative accommodation to force her into.

I think MIL is the best leverage here. He obviously cares what they think as he's been lying to them. He's more likely to listen to her.

mummmy2017 · 18/08/2017 09:44

Mustang you sure have balls, Tips hat in respect to you.
Wish the Twat in the spare room had half as much.

Siwdmae · 18/08/2017 09:45

Tempting to chuck put his stuff, but as already mentioned, he is legally entitled to be in his own home, regardless of your relationship status. Please don't do anything drastic, it won't look good on divorce proceedings.

Loopytiles · 18/08/2017 09:50

It's not right, but he may well not behave reasonably and he is the property co owner. OP cannot force him to move out. All she can do is ask him to, and seek to progress the divorce.

Even moving his personal stuff outside the home might not be legal as the stuff belongs to him.

Any stuff put into an outbuilding would not be insured, eg theft, damp or water damage, and OP would be liable.

Mustang27 · 18/08/2017 09:50

Thanks mummy. I just don't get why he is being so cruel just because it's convenient and the law.

Listen to all the sensible people world and speak to his mum when she comes to see your daughter. Hopefully she can talk some sense into him.

My heart goes out to you and everybody else that having to deal with the prolonged pain of separation.

Loopytiles · 18/08/2017 09:51

He doesn't legally "have to" do anything innagazing, and many men in these situations refuse to move out.

flutterby12 · 18/08/2017 10:00

I can't believe he's actually gone! What an arsehole!

Original poster
worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 10:06

MIL is coming down on the train. It's a good 1.40 hr drive to their house and I don't think they'd have him back under these circumstances either.

My appointment with mediation isn't until after the bh but I've just written her an email explaining the untenable situation and that I hope she can arrange his appointment close to mine. I also sent her a copy of the email DDs councillor sent me with her concerns.

OP posts:
IMissGin · 18/08/2017 10:07

Not much to add that hasn't already been said. I just wanted to say what a fantastic example you're setting for your young daughter, I feel that doing as you are will do nothing but strengthen the relationship you have with her. I hope should I ever be in the same situation I'd be able to do the same. Well done OP, you should be very proud.

Original poster
worldupsidedown · 18/08/2017 10:09

I was wondering if MIL could phone him tomorrow, if he would answer at all. Maybe have her ask him to put his phone on speaker while she talks to him

OP posts:
JiminyBillyBob · 18/08/2017 10:10

What a cunt.

Janus · 18/08/2017 10:17

World I'm so sorry, what a truly horrible husband and father he is, cannot believe what people do to other people Flowers
If it feels better for you to have his things out of your sight I'd definitely put clothes away somewhere and maybe shove everything in the spare room? I would not want to see any evidence of him if I were you.
Athens will be hideous at this time of year, probably 40+ degrees and stupidly busy, if he's got a short temper he'll hate it.
I'd go and do some lovely lunches and shopping with dd and enjoy her company.

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