I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

Nothing romantic nor sexual! Just you know the usual arguments that can come up when you go on holiday with kids and you haven't planned that much.

How often do they have private conversations?
Are they alone? - When they're alone, which happens every now and then when we have a night in, during the holiday they did spend some time alone, but that's just normal.

How often are the two of them alone together?
Does she call round to see him when you're not around - Nope never.

This makes intriguing reading but the reality sounds suffocating, intense and would have me on edge.
Discussing her gorgeous feet and terrifying boobs and talking about chemistry with her DH is unsettling. The 'things that happened' on holiday which have made you closer, sounds like a steamy hot summer novel, so many things left unsaid, private conversations and reading between the lines...reminds me of Gatsby, or A Streetcar Named Desire.
I would definitely recommend distance between the two couples or living more in reality and not having peturbing conversations about who is the most attractive. The way it's written feels like you're playing with fire.

What happened on holiday op?

I definitely have a fair for the melodramatic (let's just say it's in my genes ;) ). Anyways , it was a stressful holiday, someone cried, I shouted, DH and I had fights, things simply didn't go as planned. But in the end we've got each other's backs.

Like I've said DH and I have always had these conversations, we're just used to them. (I actually think it comes from his anxiety and comparing himself to everyone who crosses his path, but that's a different matter).

Him saying he finds her breasts terrifying is very odd.

Agree with previous posters. Men have affairs and sex with women older, fatter, perceived as less pretty than their wives etc etc.

Watch him.

This whole thing is bizarre. It sounds very intense and the conversations about all your looks and who fancies who is not normal. Yes, have a lovely friendship with another couple and all hang out together. No, don't go comparing the husbands looks and talk about each others body parts. It genuinely sounds like some sort of weird group love thing.

I also can't believe you're all in your thirties - it sounds so immature. Just have a conversation with your DH, be frank about your concerns, tell him its not appropriate any more. And tell your "friend" the same thing. It's not hard.

I remember a few years back my DH had a conversation with a female friend and it went into the realms of her crying on his shoulder. To the point of it being where she clearly wanted the wrong kind of emotional attention and support from him. When that became obvious he told her he wasn't the person to talk to on this level, he was a friend who was married and he wouldn't be carrying on the conversation, and she should speak to someone else about the situation. Affairs can be emotional ones and if they're having private conversations I'd be very wary of what those conversations are about, and the feelings they may produce. Be good friends with the opposite sex but have your boundaries.

Maybe this got lost somewhere in this mahoosive thread... I only talk about other people's looks with DH. Both husbands have complimented the wives in a public / polite way , that's where it ends.

If you've read the thread, I actually don't find it inappropriate I think they have a nice and genuine friendship. Relationships change / evolve so I get that. I really never thought about them having an affair of any sort. I'm a believer that you can have true meaningful friendships with the opposite sex.

I'm not sure what advice you're looking for really?
Most people advise you to keep the distance a little. Especially ask your OH to back off a bit.
But you just say no to that. So then you'll have to deal with them becoming g closer. There's no other way.
I don't mean this in a nasty way just being honest with you.
And 2 years for a friendship to evolve this quickly is too much too soon in my experience. It will blow up eventually if you don't back off a bit.

No worries @Whatever thanks for taking the time of writing a reply :) . The original intention of this post was to have a self-pity party of how I need more friends and I struggle to find some more. Oh and that I miss the old dynamics of my friendship with my dear friend.

I absolutely agree abut it being too much too soon, but just always thought I got lucky. That i was lucky to have found another couple where everything clicks and it does feel like we've been friends for much longer.

Rationally I know that I've been lonely, and that's partly how we ended up with the "too much , too soon", but when you haven't had any real
physical / local friends for the past 5 years and your family lives across the pond, when you find someone that gets you, it's a big deal.

Maybe she's getting kinda sick of the melodrama.

Being on a 10 day holiday with a couple who are fighting and shouting.....my idea of hell.

Ooohhhhh ok. Whine away so
I'm in a similar situation. I'm from abroad so my childhood friends and all my family are abroad.
I have a few loose friends...
But I've also had it happen to me twice where I've clicked with someone got really close etc. But it blew up in the end.on one I realized there was more backstabbing going on than actual friendlyness. A lot pretending.
The other just cut all contact all of a sudden. Turned nasty without an explanation.
I'm just saying be careful.
Maybe I am just horrible or did something wrong. But I think I'm quite nice.
Very honest but nice and a loyal friend.
Anyway, oh always says my heart is made of gold and I've to be careful who I show it to.
Hope no more drama happens to you.
Do get out and meet some more ppl though. Even if they're just loose friends.

We tried to keep it as private as possible, and we didn't fight about petty things (i have no idea how much they heard tbh) , but the two big fights were mega early in the morning , and all because my DH was in the "mood" and I wasn't (this is an ongoing argument between us that deserves it's own thread). I heard a lot more shouting about petty things from their end. The bottomline is that nobody was perfect and we accepted that and moved on.

but the two big fights were mega early in the morning , and all because my DH was in the "mood" and I wasn't (this is an ongoing argument between us that deserves its own thread)
Definitely deserves more than a passing mention, this sounds awful for fellow holiday makers to overhear especially early in the morning, and probably very important in the scheme of your husband's friendship with his confidante: Her of The Gorgeous Feet and Terrifying Breasts.

You realise that shouting about petty things when you're on holiday with another couple ain't exactly indicative of marital bliss, right??

She may "adore" her husband but that doesn't mean all is rosy. Could be she's ripe for an emotional affair.

@whatever thanks you get where I'm coming from! It's also hard to know how invested they are in comparison to me, when putting everything into perspective I would think the same? But god only knows.

I still think she adores her husband, I saw her grabbing his butt more than once. The shouting is part of her anxiety just like my DH is extremely moody.

And yes so far this has been the only red flag about the whole thing, that he was really concerned that she would think of him as a "sexual predator". But he's always concerned about what other people think about him, to the point that I call him the "pessimistic narcissist"

OP You seem have a very naive and simplistic idea abojt relationships, sex and cheating.

You said early on in the Thread that you and your H have a lot of sex so that means he adores you and won't have an affair.

Then you said that female friend wouldn't have an affair with your H because her own is more handsome.

Now you have said that female friend adores her H ( because she grabs his bum ) so that means she wont have an affair.

Do you really think that's how it works ? These comments make you sound like a 14 year old boy TBH.

I have known my best friend for 30 years. She has been married to her husband for 20. We consider each other family. All of us. Her kids come and stay with us without them, and vice versa. Her husband is as close as a brother to me. We go on holidays together

I would never ever feel myself 'in the middle'. Not for a second, would I feel compromised. My friend knows 100% I have her back and she can come to me about anything. Including problems with her husband

It's not normal for your friend to be like that

BUT, if she has been on holidays with you where she has heard the 2 of you arguing because he is pressuring you into having sex you don't want...And you are still with him; I imagine she doesn't want to get involved in THAT.

Ask her what she really thinks of him. I bet she thinks he is creepy and abusive

To be fair I have little experience overall. I had my first bf when I was almost 24! We only lasted 9 months. I met my DH about a year after I broke up with my ex. That's it... That's all my experience with men / sex. So maybe I do have the experience of a 14 year old boy.

Anyways @painfulpain I think that's more or les his fear

What....his fear is that she heard him trying to coerce you into having sex, you didn't want??

That's a valid concern, damn straight.

He sounds awful OP tbh, from what you have said here. I think he has done a number on you

You don't have to be the cool girl.

You don't have to be ok with him commenting on other women all the time. You don't have to be ok with him having intense relationships with other women. You don't have to constantly reassure him over his anxieties and insecurities. And you sure as hell don't have to defend yourself against unwanted sex

FFS. And get some decent friends

Well after everything that happened, on our last day he overreacted until he made me cry. I think that's the most vivid memory of my holiday. I'm sure my friends heard me but that's just mere speculation. Anyways, yes I'm completely tired of his anxiety I have enough going on and he won't accept he has a problem and that he needs help... Thus why I wanted to talk to to my friend about it, but as I mentioned she wants to keep her distance.

She is not your friend OP
What do you mean by...'after everything that happened'?

In your situation I would sack him off, get a job out of the house with other people and start socialising with work colleagues

He over-reacted till he made you cry?

Really? Never mind the other couple, where were your DC? Did they hear this?

Space from this couple; independent friendships independence from your DH. You need to be able to breathe.