I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

Well I don't know? My parent have been happily married for almost 50 years and my mum has always said my dad is not the best looking of men. Same with my ex, I could deft tell he was not the best looking of men but I lived him to bits. I find love goes beyond looks but that takes time to build

I have a -very well-thumbed-- copy of Not Just Friends. And an ExH who did indeed cross that line and is hence now my ex.

So I am frequently in the suspicious side of the fence.

But it seems no matter what questions posters ask the OP, all her answers are wrong.

Does he find her attractive?
No, he says he doesn't.
Ooh, red herring, he SAYS he doesn't = they all say that

Is she attractive?
No, I would objectively say I am the more attractive.
Ooh, do you have a very high opinion of yourself?

What's your relationship with her DH like?
Good, we spark and enjoy each other's company. In fact, I'd say there is more chemistry between him and me than between my DH and her.
Ooh, so you have chemistry and tension. Not good, op.

I just feel it's all a bit ... baiting to the op. She's trying to fathom why her friend has subtly stopped the conversations where she has a give-out about her H. The four have become friends. And friends don't like hearing other friends having a bitch in private and then going out as a foursome.

Despite all my overly-spidery spidey senses, I say the dynamic has changed but that does not imply furtive attraction, and I think it is fuelling the op's discomfort, without foundation. She seems pretty grounded and self-aware to me.

My DH s said he now understands his anxiety better thanks to her

he panicked once he thought she heard us having an argument.

She definitely shuts me down I dont know about their private conversations

You and your husband need to sit down and have a proper no nonsense conversation about this. If you feel you can't bring this out into the open with him, ask yourself why. Then have the conversation anyway.

Utterly misses point of thread.

Thanks @Shankarankalina that's a very good summary and your last point is exactly what I think has happened.

@Zucker I've had that conversation with him. I know that whenever I catch him off guard he'll admit he really appreciates her friendship (and to some extent her DHs but historically he's always been the most distant) but when not in the mood he'll say he can definitely live without them.
My DH and my friend have similar personalities so I can see why he can see bits of his behaviors in hers.

My DH has offered to distance himself bit like I've said I see it pretty pointless as simply over time the four of us have become good friends, and distancing himself would mess up with what has become a really nice friendship group.

Sorry but how can you say "distancing himself would mess up with what has become a really nice friendship group" ... if that were the case then this woman friend wouldn't be coming between you and your husband. It also sounds like you wouldn't have lost the friendship with her to your husband (your title for this thread).
So in my eyes anyway it's already messed up, and possibly your husband is getting very friendly with your friend. Yikes.
The fact that you are posting here either means you are concerned about this, or you don't mind this whole set up and thought it worth running the scenario past a group of anonymous people on a forum.
Are you really concerned about this OP? I'm not saying it's wrong your husband being very friendly with this lady friend, but if it makes you uncomfortable the yes it's a problem. And if you go as far as posting here, then I think it shows you have a problem. So in following what you say above, no I don't think it's pointless him distancing himself from his lady friend. It's actually something you both need to do, to protect your marriage.

Well originally I was not concerned about my marriage, it was when other MNs suggested that it was affair territory that I started to get concerned. I was just sad for the "loss" of my friend as even though we're still friends, the dynamics of our friendship have changed.

OP, do you fancy her DH?

Nope, not at all. I can accept he's a good looking man but that's where it ends.

OP it doesn't sound to me like you've lost a friend to your dh. We all have room to be close friends with more than one person. It also doesn't sound like an affair, just that they've each found someone with something in common ie the anxiety, and are benefiting from sharing about it. Be glad for them and continue to make time with her as your friend too.

I think by not talking to you about your husband's faults she is being a loyal friend and I would hope that this means she does the same should he ever start to moan about you. Loyalty is really important in a friendship.
On that note I really don't get the need to vent to someone else about dh. I never do this because whatever niggles I have, I ultimately feel v loyal to him and don't want to put him down to other people.
So maybe you need to just focus on other good things in your friendship with her and talk about those.

@MyOtherProfile yeah Im actually happy for them, and I'm with you it means that she's a loyal friend and that's fantastic. The venting about my DH, well his anxiety does fluctuate and it has an impact on my general mood, I've always seen that talking about it helps

I like to able to confide in my close friends if DH is being a pita. I don't think that's unusual. OP, your friend now has mixed loyalties so I would no longer class her as a close friend and would keep her at arm's length. I also think the relationship with your DH has crossed a line. I'm friends with husbands of my friends, but my loyalty is ultimately with the friend. I wouldn't like this at all.

Thanks @Whocansay I've always thought that a common trait of female friendships? Anyways I don't think she's "changed teams" she's just in both. I know it's not the same as it's family, but my parents have a cousin in common, she's mostly my mum's friend but she keeps her distance when it comes to stuff related to my dad.

It is annoying when this happens OP, but relationships (and friendships included) change.

I have a few good friends who love DH, think he is great, and kind of see his point if we have a disagreement, so I don't really bitch about him.behind his back, but there is plenty of other stuff to talk about!

Your situation sounds a bit too intense, I would back off just a little bit to let the steam off.

As to being more or less attractive, it means nothing. Love and lust are not about that.

My aunt spent years being astonished my uncle (her DH) left her for a fatter, older woman. She kept saying to my mum"but I am a size 8, she is at least a 14!" And "But I am prettier and younger than her, and she has size 9 feet".... She spent her whole life wracking her brain on this. Anyway, just an example of the "looks thing", the Helena Christensen/ Paula Yates thing which was mentioned above is the same.

So, no need to panic but I'd cool it all off a bit, see them a bit less, meet other people through running club/whatever, the current situation sounds too intense!

We haven't seen each other for a bit (2 weeks!) but we were abroad together for 10 days so... Those 10 days showed me a lot of things, but after everything that happened to us during that time we came back stronger in our friendship, it didn't feel like the wives had the primary friendship anymore, we were all just good friends. We said good bye with a really nice group hug.

We haven't seen each other for a bit (2 weeks!) but we were abroad together for 10 days so.

Aah,
that explains his comment about her huge knockers
He was probably getting a good eyeful of them on the holiday for 2 whole weeks, so the comment isn't that strange.

However,
sorry
The fact he's spent 2 weeks with her in a state of undress (enough for her huge knockers to have an impact on him) has probably changed how he sees her now?

and you did say that things changed after that.

we came back stronger in our friendship

Yes, their friendship became stronger..

This reminds of that situation you get where the wife has a best friend who seemingly never showed any attraction towards DH and vice versa. Then the wife dies from cancer or something and the husband and best friend become a couple, obviously aided by shared grief, but there was obviously always something more buried deep under the surface beforehand.

A very morbid question might be do you think if you passed away and your df was available they'd get together? If yes, no probs, but maybe be a bit wary and tone it down a bit. It's also worth keeping in mind that an emotional affair isn't always a full-on constant thing. It could come in dribs and drabs. Sharing information, discussing issues with her that he can't with you, in greater depth, receiving more validation etc.

Essentially your friendship with your DH should be stronger than with other people.

If anybody was displaying anything it was me! Sure my boobs are rubbish thanks to my weight loss , but the rest of me is top notch! She regularly shows them off, so it was not a big surprise , but I guess he properly noticed them for the first time? I don't know

And also our DHs became closer (they've always been the weakest link so to speak) and I definitely became closer to him.

Those 10 days showed me a lot of things, but after everything that happened to us during that time we came back stronger in our friendship

What does.this even mean?

The way you word things, it's like you're all in love with each other. It's all so starry eyed.

I would be less accommodating with listening to her complain about her husband if you are not allowed to complain about yours.

Whatever else is or isnt happening, fairs fair.

@Elspeth I'm just a romantic at heart :) .. but no a lot of stuff happened and at some point I thought it was the end of our friendship

@HadronCollider (cool name btw!) I guess I would be happy with that? (Isn't there a movie about something similar??) My DH and I are best buddies, sure we have no real shared interests (apart from some TV shows / movies) but we make it work :)

I think women have a tendency to moan about their spouse more than men TBH.

Over the years and through the many experiences in life, I've learnt to limit this. I sometimes have a bit of a moan with my sisters or with friends who don't know him personally.

I have a male friend who was in the habit of complaining about his many girlfriends and having got to know a few of them and liking them, I had to tell him to stop. I think he felt I wasn't on his side to but if I'm honest he was the problem, not them.

I felt terribly uncomfortable.

It was just so brilliant to have someone to talk to that would help me understand why my DH acted in certain ways. I really miss that. I can always moan with my mum for the more "domestic" stuff. But anyways I reckon it's not healthy to have all of my eggs in one basket.

About her still having a moan about her DH, well I guess for the most part we talk about what concerns her? So it goes beyond just a good moan. I like to feel helpful, if my perspective can help her see where he's coming from, then that's great and I'm happy to do it.

. but no a lot of stuff happened and at some point I thought it was the end of our friendship

but what happened?

I feel there's more to this you're not telling us.

and you still haven't answered the question,
when they have private conversations

How often do they have private conversations?
Are they alone?
How often are the two of them alone together?
Does she call round to see him when you're not around?