I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

It's a long, long story... But basically the last day was stressful, it involved massive changes of plans, and we just tried to make the best out of it. We could have left them stranded and maybe it would have not been reasonable but definitely acceptable. Anyways we showed we were good friends to them (I also saved the day at some point with my language skills :)).

About the job... I've thought about it but I have a very decent salary and I know I wouldn't be able to get anything even remotely similar where I live.

It's a long, long story

You are going to have to tell us, I'm afraid

Yeah my DD has heard / seen us fight a million times. I suffer from PMDD which means I sometimes go irrational and shout. I do think. DH makes it worse, I've had a long chat about it, I've said Ive had enough and he can't blame my hormones for everything he's part of the problem too.

He claims seeing my friend has made him realize stuff.. Could be true, I don't know. But yes I've had a shitty few days and it would have been nice to talk to my friend about it.

This dynamic is sounding really weird the more you post. You went on holiday with another couple who you haven't known that long but she was your best friend although now she's not as she has palsed up with your husband. You had two big fights about sex early in the morning and you think they heard? Then he made you cry.

Sorry but I think you have something to worry about.

Seeing your friend has made him realise stuff? What stuff?

@Whataboutus that's a good summary indeed. Plus I reinvented myself in the past six months (which I don't think is that relevant anyways)

@golfin of how anxiety can make you act in "odd / irrational" ways. That's a guess though, he didn't want to elaborate on it.

None of this sounds good.

You say you have a good sex life but your DH gets so huffy if you say no that he makes you cry? That's at best unattractive and possibly a huge red flag.

I used to have a friend who got matey with my DH. All totally innocent. Until they started shagging, that is. Please don't be so trusting.

I'm afraid you do come across as quite naive and eager to please. This makes you a target for unscrupulous people and plain ordinary opportunists. You also seem very defensive of some quite odd behaviour. If you aren't ready to see the big picture emerging please bare everything you've read here in mind for the future. And under no circumstances confide in this woman. I told my friend all about the emotional and financial abuse my ex put me through. Apparently I shouldn't be upset by their betrayal because 'I wasn't happy anyway '.

Watch your back.

Yes we have a fairly decent sex life, but he has a very high sex drive, and always gets grumpy if he doesn't get it when he wants it but, he's always been that way since our daughter was born. But I dunno apparently 4 times (even more) a week is not enough for him :/ I even looked at statistics because it was driving me mad!!

His main issue this holiday was that I was super happy to dress in a sexy way (I guess I've always wanted to but never felt confident to do so until now), and wear bikinis that I gave a boner to the other husband (I actually don't know if this is true or not, but that's what my DH says), but didn't want to have sex when he wanted to... Main issues has always been that I like it in the evenings and he likes it in the mornings....

Christ. Your relationship sounds really messed up.

Maybe it would be better for all 4 of you if you just swapped husbands with your pal and then went your separate ways from each other.

You look sexy in your clothes, so therefore you must put out?

Jesus I can see why you're complaining about your husband to this friend.

Have you considered that your DH is slightly awful?

I mean the narcissism, the moodiness, the making you cry, the sex pestiness.

If this other woman wants him I'd let her have him personally.

I suggested relationship counselling earlier in the thread to address the issues that you regale your friend with, but - I'm not convinced this is fixable. I wouldn't personally want to fix it tbh.

What's with his fucked up comparisons with this couple? Commenting on her breasts, his alleged hardon, I mean eeeuch. This is not normal.

My DH and I? Or all four of us?

Yes, I'm tired... I think overall he's a nice guy but until he accepts that he has mental health issues (which he definitely does) nothing will improve. The venting helps me cope and sometimes gives me perspective but I do think he mistreats me every now and then. Yes, I shout a bit but a) I have an actual hormone related condition that makes me extremely irritable and it has been diagnosed by a GP not Dr Google and b) culturally where I come from we shout! We shout when we're happy/angry/sad basically whenever! And it's impossible to just erase that from my behavior but I've tried, I really have (I've even been to anger management). Exercise and diet have given me sanity so I know I've improved massively in the last year.

My friend is on a same boat as my DH, but her husband has a gift (that I clearly lack) of being able to calm things down. He also has the patience of a saint...

Have you considered leaving him?

I can't believe he said you had to have sex with him, because the other guy had a hard-on

He is gross OP

We're back full circle to the beginning of the thread where you were saying you really need to vent to this woman about DH.

I can see much more clearly why now. I think it's reasonable for her not to want to have to listen to that regularly if she's seeing your DH a lot, irrespective of whether there's anything untoward going on, which is unclear.

Some couples are shouty and that's their norm, and they're both happy shouting until one or other pops their clogs. But I think there's more going on here than just shouting as a mode of communication - you do have stuff legitimately to shout about. Stuff that other women wouldn't put up with. He's right to be concerned that she thinks he's predatory, many women would.

I think at the very least you need a bit of space from this couple.

He said that later, he was trying to apologise for his behaviour and then told me his frustrations and how the other dude's boner didn't help.

Believe me I have thought of doing so, maybe I will once I have a support network , but for now I'm alone, no family, nothing nada. and I truly hope he'll change (I know people ever change!) but i'm sure that under medication he would improve, if not medication at least some sort of therapy/counselling. I'm actually sad for him, he lives a miserable life, even though he has every single reason to be happy.

Anyways after this trip I've given him an ultimatum and told him that he has to change / seek help or I'm gone. Also, I've started to point out when he's nasty to me for no good reason.

I've seen some change but it's early days.

I guess you can also see why i've been missing my confidente.

I can see why you've been missing her but I think the burden you're putting on her is too much and that you basically need to lean on her to be able to cope with your relationship. You're pulling her into it.

I had a friend who went out with someone who treated her in a way that meant she needed support from me all the time. In the end I couldn't do it any more and told her she needed to pay someone.

In this case it's DH who needs to pay someone to help him sort through his stuff. I wouldn't rely on medication - it can work for some people and not for others, and the side effects can cause their own problems.

@RidingWindhorses and that's the reason why i think mumsnet with all its faults is priceless.

I do miss the other couple though, so creating that space would be very painful for me. I get to be myself with them something that i don't get to do with anyone else (apart from DH).

The thing is though, the last time we talked in depth about our respective husbands was some time in May (maybe even before that!) And we talked about hers, not mine.

After that, we really didn't touch the subject and every chance I had she more or less fobbed me off. Coincidence or not, his is when my DH started o work from home a bit more so he was around whenever she was around and they would just chat.

A few weeks ago, (before we went on our holiday) there was a pretty intense drinking session where DH and her ended up crying, of what i can't remember. I think that also helped their "bonding".

And even after both fights (and the possibility of them hearing me cry), her attitude towards my DH didn't not change, not even one bit, so my guess is that they really didn't know what the fuzz was about.

I don't think you need to stop seeing them, I just think at the moment it's all a bit intense and incestous.

And I think you need them as much as you do because of the problems with DH.

This all sounds so incestuous. If you all get drunk together and he & her end up in tears ... Something weird is going on.

Him saying that the way you dress means you should give him sex, is so wrong on lots of levels. Read about rape culture if you genuinely don't see why.

And as for the other husband's erection. I have no words.

We only have DH's word for it and he sounds a bit bananas.

I guess the boner is within the realms of possibility... I mean I felt the whole bum grabbing was a way of marking her territory, it felt very primal. I even apologized for my outfits in an attempt to clear the air. But I'm proud of my new body, it takes a lot of daily work and we were in an extremely hot place, what was I supposed to wear? And BTW it was nothing extreme... Shorts with a crop top, playsuits, cute short dresses... But anyways there was a lot of tension thanks to the other stuff going on so I might have misread the whole thing :/

You've done nothing wrong by dressing how you want on holiday OP!