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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 18/08/2017 10:11

You can't keep doing everything the same and expect things to be different

You will have to change something, if you don't want to continue like this

nigelsbigface · 18/08/2017 10:18

Yes. My exh thought my best friend was rude at times, too extreme in her views and that her kids were weird due to the way she was raising them. He said she was scrawny and that she dressed like a bag lady at times.
She said he was arrogant and selfish, overweight, OCD about his dress and cleanliness and his ego was too big.
Clearly none of that put them off, they had an affair and are still together.

No one saw that coming, least of all me.
Be careful op.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 18/08/2017 10:21

If you don't run already maybe you should instead of shouting.

Are you reading any of these posts? You're full of excuses it's exhausting just reading your replies.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 10:31

I run a lot? If that's what you mean... I'm currently on marathon training and it has helped massively so much that I can never give it up.

I'm looking into applying for a job down the road, hopefully the salary is good. Fingers crossed!!

Oh and I've been to counseling, before I was properly diagnosed I thought it was something else.

It goes through phases, the holiday was horrific in that way, but definitely things have improved.

OP posts:
FreakinScaryCaaw · 18/08/2017 10:37

That's good.

Have you tried anything natural to help hormones? I take menopace as I'm perimemopausal. Also magnesium with B6. Black cohosh is good too.

ThatsNotAKnifeThatsASpoon · 18/08/2017 10:38

It sounds a bit like you use running to escape the reality of your marriage.

TatianaLarina · 18/08/2017 10:41

I'm not sure if the OP should be careful, the thought of a moody obese man bearing down on me demanding sex would be enough to put my running shoes on and never come back.

If the friend wants him, so much the better.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 10:43

I've tried a few things nothing has worked as much as running, it changed my life :). But I don't get such bad episodes anymore. If I get a particularly bad one, I can always get one off medication. For the most part it's under control I would say, but by nature it's unpredictable.

OP posts:
Whataboutus · 18/08/2017 14:23

For much of the thread you discuss everyone's level of attractiveness but it turns out your dh and friend are obese and suffering shared anxiety over it. You have a new confidence as you have lost weight and wore sexy clothes on holiday.

It's really odd and unhealthy between you all, who fancies who, who has the most chemistry, who would be trading down, who is groping who.

I have never experienced a friendship like it.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 14:56

But those conversations of the "attractiveness" are just between my DH and I. The groping is just what I saw, no conversations about it with anyone (I did ask DH at some point if he saw it too as it just seemed like too much to me).

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 15:04

I just wanted to clarify this, because it would seem that we talk about each others looks between us four. That's not the case my DH and my friend have talked about their self image hang ups in private and she has told me about hers that's it. The other husband is not even remotely part of these conversations.

OP posts:
Gwenhwyfar · 18/08/2017 15:10

"I wouldn't trust a friend who'd sit on the fence between me and a partner as far as I could throw her."

You don't have any mutual friends then? I'm friends with a few couples where I know them both equally. There's no reason why I'd automatically take one's side against the other, even the one I was originally friends with.

PJsAndProsecco · 18/08/2017 16:22

You're full of justifications and excuses for everything, OP. Plenty of posters have told you how weird this is but you make no hints of even acknowledging it.

Not sure what you're after if you don't want to change anything? You seem unhappy but happy with the situation Confused

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 16:40

If you see there are multiple issues going on. I think I've accepted that most of them are issues and I want them to change (loneliness, abusing husband..) the only I resist to (and I guess to my lack of experience) is the "oddity" of our friendship, to me it seems a pretty normal close friendship between couples.

OP posts:
jo10000 · 19/08/2017 11:42

I haven't read the books recommended but they sound like a good place to start. And either getting a job round people or more hobbies may help you see things in perspective as your lack of support and inexperience with men may make you think this is normal.

AmysTiara · 19/08/2017 15:05

You and your husband seem obsessed about looks and bodies. Both your own and your friends.

Some really weird comments from you and your DH. Hmm

Original poster
revolution909 · 20/08/2017 07:11

Yup, I definitely need to get out some more and see how other relationships work.

My husband definitely obsesses about looks, I think I got used to it and now I do it myself

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 20/08/2017 12:41

Update: we went out for some drinks and she seemed distant DH agrees she wants her usual self

OP posts:
Allofaflumble · 20/08/2017 15:33

Strange but interesting thread. Two things stood out for me. In a survey I read, one of men's top fantasies was shagging your friends.

Two. I had an acquaintance friend who used to listen to one of her close friends talking about being unhappy in her relationship. When the friend finally ended the relationship, the boyfriend asked my aquaintance friend out only about a week later and off she went with him.

There is a third. Another friends partner was always criticising her friend, saying she was horrible, unattractive and a slag (!). Guess who he was knocking off on the quiet?

For some women, there is no such thing as sisterhood when it comes to men, so be on your guard. It sounds though as if you have more than their friendship as a problem right now.

Original poster
revolution909 · 20/08/2017 19:14

Yeah I mean if they actually have an affair (which I honestly don't think she's not that kind of person) that's the least of my problems

OP posts:
WhateverNameIsStillAvailable · 20/08/2017 19:47

This friendship sounds strange.
If you're as close to her as you say, would you not pull her to one side and ask what's wrong? A good friend would confide in you.
But the more I read the more I think this isn't about your friendship with her... it's about a lot more but it does seem as though somethings going on behind the scenes with your OH and friend.
Not necessarily an affair.... but something more than a normal friendship.

Original poster
revolution909 · 20/08/2017 20:12

I think I need more "evidence" so I can unequivocally conclude that she's definitely more distant. She could have been having a bad day who knows! Her DH was same as usual, so definitely not a joint thing.

If you read the whole thread there's a reason why I'm so invested and why her friendship means a lot to me.

OP posts:
SandyY2K · 20/08/2017 20:30

Lots more since I last read the thread.

I can understand them both talking if they share body issues. It can be difficult for others to understand.

You should look into some counselling. Most areas to provide low cost counselling services are available (Google it).

Your H has an extremely high sex drive and that sulking would piss me off. Is he from the same country as you? You mentioned some culture differences briefly.

Original poster
revolution909 · 20/08/2017 20:35

I've had counseling and it has helped lots, but the bottom line has been that unless he gets help my situation won't change(or I leave of course).

He's British, stereotypically I should be the one with the high sex drive but my hormones don't help.

OP posts:
Painfulpain · 21/08/2017 06:26

You don't half have some strange ideas. You think British people have low sex drives?

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