I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

[revolution909]

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

Just catching up since last night - well surprise surprise - he didn't didn't see the hard on. The guy didn't feel like a swim at that point. If that point even existed.

Please will you accept this whole thing is a lie?

And that your husband is sexually abusive?

Yeah, I agree.. There's something of that and I have stood my ground for some time. It had also gone away for some time until the holiday!

Anyways the clothes are unrelated to him BTW.. It was always me and what I thought was an odd behavior on her end. I know she has very low self esteem so I get I could have been making it worse.

Oh my goodness OP, I can't read this anymore without posting. Half of me wants to hug you and the other half wants to grab you by the shoulders and give you a shake!

It has never been more obvious from a thread that they are either already having an affair or are well on their way to it.

Your relationship, and this whole friendship group, sounds at best unhealthy, at worst emotionally abusive.

You sound lovely but incredibly naive. Deep down you really can't be happy.

It may come as a shock but here is my first ever LTB. Your DP and friend both sound awful even if they do have mental health issues. Even if they ended up together they don't sound capable of maintaining a healthy relationship.

Relationships should build you up not bring you down. You deserve so much better than these two.

Painfulpain I was walking home from school run thinking exactly the same, was about to recommend Lundy Bancroft, but there is another one called Eroding the Soul, which is also good (cannot remember author).

The other thing I was thinking was about being shouty. What triggers that? What happens if you don't shout? Try breathing through your reaction to shout (it can be a panic reaction) and see what happens. Is it only because of your PMDD or at other times? And why do you not get to do an ostrich too?

The clothes are related to him because he blamed you for looking attractive on holiday but not fucking him and lied about giving this other man an erection.

I understand you were apologising to your friend rather than anyone else, but who made you feel like they were an issue?

It's a very odd idea that your appearance was making your friend feel unhappy in holiday. You will have been surrounded by women wearing exactly the same thing!

It may be due to their anxiety (I wouldn't know, I'm not a medical professional) but neither your husband or friend sound like good people to be around. It all sounds very dysfunctional your relationship and friendship.

And despite going on lots of beach/pool holiday and wearing very little in the way of clothing and being surrounded by some very beautiful people. I've never once noticed a man get an erection, granted I'm not exactly looking, but still!

So she has recently got her boobs out more?

I wouldn't like this whole thing op and I would start to distance myself.

I recently dropped a friend because she had her eyes on my boyfriend. A couple of weeks later she fell and broke her neck.

Keep your eyes open op!

Revolution909 I am feeling the need to go an open a window for air after reading this thread, it is so claustrophobic.

There is a lot of stress and anxiety between you both over appearance. Is your husband overweight OP? Well done for losing so much weight, however it's worth keeping in mind that kind of dramatic weight loss can cause tensions, especially if the partner feels they don't measure up anymore (and you say yourself your husband is out of your league now...)

Weight loss like yours can lead to both people reevaluating their lives. Your husband's anxiety may be in part due to this.

That's aside from the nagging for sex which is unacceptable.

^
Agree

It doesn't sound a very healthy friendship between the four of you.

Agree with Iamthinking btw

Please don't validate the husbands awful behaviour spoon

He sounds like a big man baby

Does he have any redeeming qualities OP?

Good God, both the marriage and the friendship sound totally dysfunctional.

If what you are writing is true, your DH is abusing you and this is NOT a normal relationship

Where did I validate painful?? If you read my post properly I said his behavior was unacceptable. I'm not saying his anxiety is OK, just offering a possible insight into it. OP doesn't have to put up with it.

I had written a ton! But anyways the shouting comes from my family they all do, but everybody else in the country where I come from does too (think Modern Family).

If I don't get the release and I my PMDD it actually gets worse... So that's in its a problem but sometimes I have super good months, so I try to take it with philosophy.

The apologizing about clothes happened before the fights, so that's how I know there was no correlation.

She's the type of person who thinks skinny people laugh at overweight people. I get my overconfidence could have been irritating, so thus I apologized.

So she's overweight OP? If so she may be feeling threatened by you and empathising with your husband more if he's still overweight... That's the basis for a bond between them that isn't good for your marriage.

He's always had anxiety and yes he's obese.. but to some extent the weight loss has made it worse. Again there are good days and bad days... But at least he now tries to go for a run, baby steps I think.

He's a great dad (what a cliché I know), when he's not moody - which is like 80% of the time- he makes laugh a lot!

We can talk for hours and not get bored, again if he's fine he's the sweetest guy around.

Doesn't sound like the good outweighs the bad anymore though OP. Your holiday sounds horrific. Please reevaluate.

Do you mean that he is moody for 80% time? Or 20% time?

Yes both DH and friend are overweight. They've talked about and how their anxiety also links with how they eat and look at themselves.

She criticizes her DH for trying to be fit, gets irrationally worried about that, etc, etc etc

This happened to me when I was younger. I had a boyfriend and my best friend and him became pretty close. When I broke up with him after a couple of years my bf took his side and they ended up in a flat share together (we were students at the time). It really hurt me at the time but now I realise that despite having been friends for about 10 years, there was really no loyalty in her. Another friend who shared the flat with them told me years later that he had seen my ex coming out of my bfs bedroom some morning so it was obvious they were shagging each other.

Oh no he's a perfectly reasonable human being 80% of the time. And yes my condition is not easy to live with, so I know it most take its toll too.

In a practical sense you need to work out strategies for getting more people in your life and more support in your life for you, away from your husband.

Running club for you
Job outside the home for you
Counselling for you alone to talk about your relationship and about your loneliness.
Can you rekindle friends of old, even if they are in another continent, for sporadic emailing or phone chats, or to visit when you go back home.
Is there anywhere you could volunteer in the evening or at the weekend for a couple of hours? Any evening courses?...anything to get you out of the house, meeting people and expanding your social circle.

What do you all do at the weekend? What hobbies does your dc do?

My best friend set myself and my DP up. They previously worked together and I felt like she only ever got one side of the story and seemed to take DPs side if we had a tiff. She's moved work places now and things have gotten better now

I talk to people online /WhatsApp all the time. One of my best friends lives in Boston (for example) she's my colleague so we chat all day. But over the years it simply isn't the same.

The weekends are for being with our daughter, it's the only time we can spend real quality time so that's what we do. I work FT but also do all mummy duties (like taking her to after-school clubs), and with my training there's little spare time left.

I know that a job outside my house is probably the easiest way to get everything I need, but they're really hard to find in this area.