Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I lost my closest friend to my husband (no affair involved!)

454 replies

revolution909 · 15/08/2017 20:45

Basically my closest friend and my DH have become so close that it's impossible to rant about him with her as she feels she's right in the middle. I also realised she clearly has more friends than me (she used to claim she didn't) and basically have felt like a bit of a loser the past few days. I actually have no more friends than her and that realisation makes me want to cry. I work full time from home.. so that makes things a lot more difficult. I've tried with the mums from school and we just don't click. i think my best bet is joining my local running club as I spent most of my free time running. But yes in a nutshell I'm kind of sad I've lost her to my husband! I was happier with her being primarily my friend and that she was just "friendly" with DH.

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 17/08/2017 23:53

Thanks marshmallow! It did feel wrong to apologize... But I kept wondering if that was the reason she was upset

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 17/08/2017 23:58

This is all too weird.

Your holiday wardrobe did not give this man a hard on. It's ridiculous. Your DH was just slutshaming you because he felt you weren't putting out enough.

And your friend was not upset because you wore playsuits.

But if there's any chance any of the above things are true then all the more reason to get a bit of distance.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 00:24

Yup, it reads very pathological. BTW the boner comment and me apologizing for my wardrobe are not connected. The first time I heard about this supposed male physiological response was only a few days ago... We had already been back for some time, and nope he was out slutshaming me (he's done it once so I can tell the difference in intention). Gosh my husband is such an a-hole!

OP posts:
Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 00:25

*he was not

OP posts:
RidingWindhorses · 18/08/2017 00:36

It seemed like your DH was implying that your sexy dressing on holiday (I mean wtf?) was related to the hard on.

His main issue this holiday was that I was super happy to dress in a sexy way (I guess I've always wanted to but never felt confident to do so until now), and wear bikinis that I gave a boner to the other husband But yet you didn't want to have sex when he wanted to

The boner that never happened was your fault for how you dressed but you didn't put out despite "asking for it". That's all I meant by slutshaming.

Jellyheadbang · 18/08/2017 03:46

*flowers

Have you considered leaving him?

I can't believe he said you had to have sex with him, because the other guy had a hard-on

He is gross OP*

This from another poster sums it up.
What a horrible thing to say to u about the other guy's boner. How does your husband even know? Was he looking a true this guy's groin regularly for signs of arousal? Fucking weird.
And what was the context for you apologising for your clothes?
Who did you apologise to and why?
Who brought up the subject and what was everyone's response when u apologised?
This sounds hideous x

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 05:05

DH didn't actually see it. that was his conclusion because the other dude would not get in the pool - according to him getting in the pool would make it even more obvious -

The day I apologized was just a horrible stressful day overall and in the evening there was a lot of tension, so after a couple of glasses of wine, while we were talking about how we were getting on each other's nerves, I added that to the list so to speak.

OP posts:
SummerflowerXx · 18/08/2017 06:40

I have just been on holiday in a sunny, hot place. Almost ALL the women who were not as old as me were wearing sunshine wear like you describe. None of the men were batting an eye-lid. Goodness grief, just look around any resort pool or beach or tourist attraction in the west (I presume you were in a western country). It is what we do in this sun-deprived country when we get somewhere warm, we get all the vitamin D we can and feel the sun on our skin.

So your clothes are a red herring. Your husband sounds quite unpleasant and controlling. Have you considered his being around when your friend was around and 'taking over' your friend is actually a way of intentionally isolating you from support? You still sound quite isolated despite five years of being in this country.

I think you do need interests and a life outside your family. You also can say no to sex without it leading to pressure or coercion. I think your man knows what he is doing, sadly, the anxiety is a foil.

MyOtherProfile · 18/08/2017 06:51

Blimey this thread is really sad. It has gone from No no our marriage has no problems my dh worships me to sounding like it's on its last legs.

FreakinScaryCaaw · 18/08/2017 07:13

I really feel for you OP.

It sounds to me like you have little experience of any kind of relationship so are normalising his behaviour. Your friend could be stifled and may start keeping her distance.

You could do with mixing with other women. Join a local group or something?

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 07:50

I've been here for almost 9 years, but we moved around, so yes after all four that time I have no support network (I though my friends were but it doesn't seem that way anymore).

He definitely has anxiety, his parents know this, we all know it. He does need to accept it and get some help.

The whole sex things is to some extent the main issue in our relationship. I know I could say no, but then it would be endless drama about it. Not always, it's true but sometimes (like on our holiday) it never ends...

Oddly enough, the "lack of experience" is something we have in common with our friends.

I know I need more friends but it's really, really hard. I've tried a million times but my last hope is the running club :/

BTW my husband has always been happy to facilitate so I can have friends so I honestly think he doesn't isolate me on purpose or anything like that, he just has a lot of issues and hang ups.

OP posts:
JetBoyJetGirl · 18/08/2017 08:27

I know I could say no, but then it would be endless drama about it.

This is really not good.

Have you heard of sexual coercion? It's where a woman either says "no", but then relents for an easy life; or doesn't say "no" in the first place for an easy life. So has sex she doesn't want as a means of avoiding the drama created by a man who has heard "no".

JetBoyJetGirl · 18/08/2017 08:35

I have to say, I haven't read since I posted yesterday, and have just caught up this morning.

This is not like the friendship I have after all.

This sounds quite dysfunctional all round.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 08:37

That's basically the story of my life! I enjoy it even less and it's a massive vicious cycle. He always turns it around to say I don't want him anymore (low self esteem rant on his end) but simply I sometimes just don't want any with anyone!!

During the holiday he started a rant of how he was ugly in comparison to the other husband... It was so tiring I tried to make it better but apparently made it worse...

Oddly enough my friend had a similar rant regarding the local ladies... That comment was partly what made me apologize for my clothes.

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 08:37

So he actually didn't see any evidence of a boner whatsoever?

He just made it up to make you feel like you ashamed of yourself?

Jesus. He's a fucking asshole.

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 08:38

And he doesn't have"anxiety", he's a coercive narcissist.

ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 08:40

He needs to get himself a little sex slave whose only vocabulary is "Thou art more majestic than any other my Lord" and will repeat it X 1000 times a day.

With her legs open.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 08:40

Yes there was no visual evidence, just odd behavior (according to him anyways). But I didn't feel any shame, why would I? Even if it happened it's a natural response.. I can't control how other men react

OP posts:
ElspethFlashman · 18/08/2017 08:47

Apparently not fancying a dip means you have a raging hard on.

Who knew??

Hmm
Painfulpain · 18/08/2017 08:47

Read 'why does he do that' by Lundy Bancroft. I bet you find your husband in there.

IMO you are in an abusive relationship

JetBoyJetGirl · 18/08/2017 08:48

He always turns it around to say I don't want him anymore (low self esteem rant on his end) but simply I sometimes just don't want any with anyone!!

Um... you're allowed to not want sex. It's fine. You don't need to explain that; everyone else understands.

I think you're explaining an awful lot of his dreadful behaviours with this undiagnosed 'anxiety'.

I think you need to step back and look at how he is behaving without the anxiety/low self esteem filters applied. Because if he isn't prepared to get treatment for his 'anxiety', then this is just how he is and always will be. And the 'anxiety' might just be how you, he and his family have excused his appalling behaviour without ever requiring him to address it in any way.

And yes, if a thirtysomething man didn't want to get into the pool on holiday, my first conclusion would not be that he had an erection from seeing his wife's friend in a bikini... I'm sure you're very attractive, and all, but this seems a little far fetched!

DameDiazepamTheDramaQueen · 18/08/2017 08:49

What sort of man goes on about another man in the pool having a 'boner?' Is he 12?Confused

JetBoyJetGirl · 18/08/2017 08:52

What sort of man... quite.

Perhaps a not very nice one who felt threatened by his wife's new found confidence as a result of her weightloss and feels the need to shame her into apologising for the clothes she is wearing and believing that her best friend's husband has uncontrollable erections around her...

I wonder how many other things you are minimising, OP...

JetBoyJetGirl · 18/08/2017 08:54

IMO you are in an abusive relationship

Having RTFT, I would be inclined to agree. This is not a relationship I would want to be in.

Original poster
revolution909 · 18/08/2017 08:57

But he just doesn't act that way regarding me or our relationship. He can't handle stress from work. When it gets bad he just goes to bed and doesn't get out (we call it doing the ostrich).

The other day we went to a wedding and just after we got there we realized he was not wearing matching jacket and trousers... Again according to him people would literally laugh at him so panicked and blocked himself for a couple of minutes.

My friend has had similar behaviors and sometimes mistreats her husband (even my husband agrees).

Seeing her behavior has made him change a bit (that's definitely true) but sometimes he just regresses.

OP posts: