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Original poster

Blended family. AIBU to be pissed off?

111 replies

Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:00

We are a blended family. DP has been in our lives for 4 years. I have a DD (6) and he has a DS (10).

I split with my ex when DD was 18 months old. My DD has a supervised access arrangement with her father and sees him for 4 hours every other week. So in real terms since DP moved in 2.5 years ago he has been a parental figure.

She has recently and if her own volition started calling him dad. She calls my ex daddy and that is how she differentiates. For a while she has written to dad etc on cards. My DP has been very emotional and touched about it.

I have never encouraged or dissuaded as I myself called my SD dad when I was growing up.

DSWas in the room last night and displayed hurt feelings (I wasn't there). Today his dad asked if it wasn't a problem. DSS said yes. So DP said he would stop DD from calling him dad.

I didn't say much in front of DSS apart from no matter what DD says DSS will always have his dad etc.

Afterwards I spoke to DP and said I was very annoyed. He hadn't spoken to me first so we could discuss the best way to deal with it. How will make DD feel if she is no longer 'allowed' to view him as dad? Why did he put the power of a decision into the hands of a ten year old?

We were planning a child free early night, but I am so pissed off I don't feel in the mood for sex at all. I am now apparently childish!! I don't understand how he thinks I want to have sex with someone who obviously feels he can co-parent my child and unilaterally parent his.

Am I being childish or a bad stepmum?

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:02

Sorry that was long! And my relationship with x ended when DD was 12 months old it just took 6 months to get him out! So I didn't rush with DP he only moved in when she was 4.

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 18:02

If someone else called my dad 'dad' I wouldn't be happy about it, either, OP. How would you feel?

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2017 18:03

You'd put the power of a decision into the hands of a six year old!

Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 18:04

Does dss live with you all?

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:05

I grew up with 2 dads so for me it isn't a massive issue. I also 'shared' my dad with a second family.

I can completely understand how DSS feels. I was annoyed because DP didn't discuss the best way to deal with his natural insecurity about it. Positive messages, more dad& DS time etc.

He didn't discuss it with me at all.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 18:05

She can see him as her dad. But it upsets his son if she calls him it.

Does the son live with you?

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:06

Every other weekend and two nights in the week.

He has had a tumultuous few years. He is on his third home and third 'stepdad' in 4 years.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:08

To be honest I wish he was here more often. We are a happy unit together (usually). He is a great little boy.

OP posts:
Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 18:08

So he doesnt live with you and dp

Your dd does.

He has a bit of a chaotic home life at mums, regarding 'step dads'.

You are being really childish. He made a decision that he thinks is best for his child. His child will always come first.

Not really sure he needed to run this by you.

TwitterQueen1 · 14/08/2017 18:09

Tricky one but yes, I think YABU.

Look at it from DSS's pov - his dad is his. Not your DD's. And he's clearly uncomfortable with your DD calling him Dad. He's 10. I do think you need to abide by his wishes on this one. Things may well change as the DCs get older.

Does DSS call you Mum? How would you feel if he did? How would your DD feel?

As always with blended families you need to put the feelings of the children first. So your DP was right to go with what his son wants.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:09

My DP told me he was over the moon when she called him dad. What am I supposed to say to her? Sorry the man who has raised you, bathed, read you stories, played with you, taught you to ride a bike etc isn't your dad? What is a parent??

OP posts:
Chaby · 14/08/2017 18:11

Can empathise with your DSS to some extent but I think you have a right to be pissed off on your daughters behalf as this seems quite cruel to her. How does your DP propose you explain this to her?

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 18:11

Maybe the time to consider it would have been when she started.

You dont have to tell her he isnt your dad. But that he isnt her biologocal father and she should call him by his name.

Can not not see how painful this must be for dss?

Isadora2007 · 14/08/2017 18:12

TBH maybe this should have been discussed when your dd first started wanting to call him dad.
Then he could have sat down with his son and spoken about it all.
Maybe dad Sean or dad Dave could be a compromise? Or would his son maybe be able to be consoled by knowing he is his dads only son/boy and they get to have special daddy/son days or something?

You're not being unreasonable but neither is his son...

TwitterQueen1 · 14/08/2017 18:13

You tell her the truth. You say that DSS was a bit upset about her calling him Dad because he isn't her dad though he loves her very much.

You don't need to over-dramatise things by pulling emotional guilt strings about how he bathes her, plays with her etc. That's your issue. Not hers. Don't put this on her or on the DSS.

Have you thought about her calling him Daddy Joe / Daddy John etc etc.

sweetbitter · 14/08/2017 18:14

It seems gentle correction on calling him XX instead of dad would be best for now. It doesn't have to mean he isn't de facto acting as her father or not having a fatherly relationship to her.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:14

He calls me his 'evil stepmother' (it's a joke btw).

And yes I don't want him to be upset, but it would have been polite to have a heads up first! Instead I'm sat there with no clue about what his dad had seen last night (upset face). And DP offering him a choice about what DD calls him. So none of you would have felt even the slightest bit annoyed?

I wish we had DS here with full custody. Simply for stability. I have supported him and his mum through break ups and break downs. I've reined DP in when he was planning to file for full custody. Because at the end of the day DS adores him mum. It wouldn't be right to make him choose. But yes I'm pissed off that we didn't have a conversation first.

OP posts:
Orangebird69 · 14/08/2017 18:17

It's a tough one but yabu with your reaction. Ultimately dp has to put his ds first regardless.. but i would ask your dp how he's going to explain to your dd...

Gorgosparta · 14/08/2017 18:18

I come from a blended family.

No I wouldnt be upset. I would be a bit annoyed it hadn't occured to either of us thay we should consider dss feelings, when this startes Especially since he doesnt live with us.

Tilapia · 14/08/2017 18:21

This is a really tricky one with no right answer. YANBU to feel upset but I don't think your DP was being unreasonable either - he saw that his son was upset and tried to think of a way to fix things. Yes he should have spoken to you first, but I can understand why he said what he did without thinking.

Agree with a pp that maybe Dad Firstname would work?

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:21

I have no idea what to say to DD. I think there are some good ideas up thread. She is a sensitive little soul (as is DS). We are all off on holiday next week and got dad and son bonding time planned (fishing and golf), whereas me and DD are pony trekking and going to the chocolate shop.

I have great sympathy for how DS must feel and I love him to bits. But in a way given my childhood it isn't biology but love that makes a parent. She will never be able to have a normal relationship with her dad, ever. He is too much of a risk to her. Maybe that makes me over protective? I don't know.
DS loves me and DD. We bake together, have tickle fights, dance and sing, play board games. We do lots when his dad is working.

Maybe I am being unreasonable, I just don't know how to make it right for everyone.

And I can't believe DP still wanted sex afterwards! So not in the mood right now.

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Tilapia · 14/08/2017 18:23

Your DP was being unreasonable to think that you could forget about this and have a normal night with sex. YANBU to feel upset and he needs to be sensitive to that.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:26

We did both discuss it with DS and he said it was ok. It was DP who was watching his face and said he looked sad last night (I wasn't there).

I just feel maybe more reassurance was needed about the specialness of DS and DP's bond would have helped? How much DP loves home and he can never be replaced in his heart, more one to one time rather than all four of us. I just think this may have helped DS feel more secure and that he is loved by his dad and also by us too.

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HadronCollider · 14/08/2017 18:26

Sorry but I think you're being a little entitled on your DD's behalf here. Firstly, I think you were wrong to allow her to start calling him dad at all. when she has a biological father she see's regularly. Imagine if the shoe was on the other foot?

Secondly, I was the child who grew up watching my Dad be called dad by my step family, and be more of a dad to them in time, actions and prescence (by the very fact of him living with them full time) and it was horrible horrible horrible. It felt like I had no home anywhere, literally. Nothing that was mine that wasn't taken. I can't articulate it any better than that.

I don't understand why you feel your DP should have run it past you first at all frankly. I think you should have been the one to raise the subject ages ago once you heard DD calling him dad.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:27

Him not home

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