Blended family. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Maddogs]

We are a blended family. DP has been in our lives for 4 years. I have a DD (6) and he has a DS (10).

I split with my ex when DD was 18 months old. My DD has a supervised access arrangement with her father and sees him for 4 hours every other week. So in real terms since DP moved in 2.5 years ago he has been a parental figure.

She has recently and if her own volition started calling him dad. She calls my ex daddy and that is how she differentiates. For a while she has written to dad etc on cards. My DP has been very emotional and touched about it.

I have never encouraged or dissuaded as I myself called my SD dad when I was growing up.

DSWas in the room last night and displayed hurt feelings (I wasn't there). Today his dad asked if it wasn't a problem. DSS said yes. So DP said he would stop DD from calling him dad.

I didn't say much in front of DSS apart from no matter what DD says DSS will always have his dad etc.

Afterwards I spoke to DP and said I was very annoyed. He hadn't spoken to me first so we could discuss the best way to deal with it. How will make DD feel if she is no longer 'allowed' to view him as dad? Why did he put the power of a decision into the hands of a ten year old?

We were planning a child free early night, but I am so pissed off I don't feel in the mood for sex at all. I am now apparently childish!! I don't understand how he thinks I want to have sex with someone who obviously feels he can co-parent my child and unilaterally parent his.

Am I being childish or a bad stepmum?

"But you've just illustrated the point I'm trying to make. You want a 'family' meeting but you are not a family. You are a blended family with conflicting priorities. And your DP is 100% entitled to make decisions about the welfare of his son without seeking permission from you first. "

No, he is not, when he knows his decision will 100% have a negative affect the OP's child and hurt the child. He has chosen to hurt OP's child for the benefit of his own. He doesn't get to do that when OP's child calls him Dad and for years he has lead the child to believe he is her parent, also protects her and also has her best interests at heart.

It's not a family meeting about one child having something and managing how the other child will deal with that. His sole decision will specifically and without a doubt cause OP's child emotional pain. How fucking dare he!

The point is that the OP's dd and her DPs child are not being treated the same in the family. Through no fault of their own, the DSS is getting a shitty deal and needs, not wants, to have something that is his. Be it exclusively calling his actual father dad. The OP's DD has a biological father she sees regularly. She already calls him Daddy. She doesn't share him with anybody else. If the circumstances were that everyone was on the same footing then yeah, maybe there would be case for getting DSS to see everyone in the family is equal. But they're not.

DD sees her dad for four hours in a supervised environment. She does not have a 'normal' relationship with him. She never will. Because he works shifts there are four week periods throughout the year where she doesn't see him at all.

I didn't post this to debate whether DD has the right to view DP as her dad. I posted because I was annoyed that I wasn't aware of the situation. It was handled badly. And how to deal with it so both dc are secure and settled in our family.

I am very aware that DSS life with his mum has been turbulent. I have also been the child who didn't live with a parent and the step child who did. I can see both sides. I just want DSS to be happy and comfortable. His dad adores him and loves him so much. He is also of an age where he is so much more aware of adult relationships and I feel he has a sense of not belonging anywhere.

He shares his room with his mums bf's kids and with my DD. We are looking to move so he can have his own space. That is just his. I love him and want the best for him and my DD.

Thats great then OP. Respect his feelings, explain why they are important to your DD, have a discreet word again with your DP about unilaterally taking action without consulting with you.

Your DD needs to call him something she is comfortable with, that takes her feelings into consideration.

what about DaddyMaddogs?
Or she can make up her own nickname for him?
Or follow the same rule as DS?

I've been looking at whatsapp today for some info I needed that DP had sent me. There is a little convo on there from DP and DD. Lots of hearts, kisses and signed dad.

He does the same with DS (who had his own phone). I'm just hopeful we can work through this as a family.

I'm sure you will OP,

It is so difficult but if your stepson is made to feel important and a 100% part of your family unit then your daughter would not need to be pushed away and feel rejected. Your partner handled it really badly and I don't know how to come back from it but feel for you stepson and your daughter.

I can understand you being upset about it. I think your DP should tried to reassure him, especially as DS was fine with it at first.

It's not fair to your DD.

The only thing I'd add, is that your DSS may have felt forced to go along with it, if asked in your presence.

That point may have been raised already.