Blended family. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Maddogs]

We are a blended family. DP has been in our lives for 4 years. I have a DD (6) and he has a DS (10).

I split with my ex when DD was 18 months old. My DD has a supervised access arrangement with her father and sees him for 4 hours every other week. So in real terms since DP moved in 2.5 years ago he has been a parental figure.

She has recently and if her own volition started calling him dad. She calls my ex daddy and that is how she differentiates. For a while she has written to dad etc on cards. My DP has been very emotional and touched about it.

I have never encouraged or dissuaded as I myself called my SD dad when I was growing up.

DSWas in the room last night and displayed hurt feelings (I wasn't there). Today his dad asked if it wasn't a problem. DSS said yes. So DP said he would stop DD from calling him dad.

I didn't say much in front of DSS apart from no matter what DD says DSS will always have his dad etc.

Afterwards I spoke to DP and said I was very annoyed. He hadn't spoken to me first so we could discuss the best way to deal with it. How will make DD feel if she is no longer 'allowed' to view him as dad? Why did he put the power of a decision into the hands of a ten year old?

We were planning a child free early night, but I am so pissed off I don't feel in the mood for sex at all. I am now apparently childish!! I don't understand how he thinks I want to have sex with someone who obviously feels he can co-parent my child and unilaterally parent his.

Am I being childish or a bad stepmum?

Twitter I am a child of a blended family myself. I think I have said repeatedly that I understand DSS is feeling insecure. I've discussed carving out more dad and son time. My anger is directed at DP not DSS!! I just feel this could have been dealt with differently. As someone said upthread a family meeting.
My DP has all the best intentions and none of the ability to communicate it effectively.
He stated the other day that if we bought DSS a particular item (that he wants) maybe we should suggest it comes with the proviso that he stays more often. I mean wtaf! You can't blackmail children to stay!!

Maybe I'm just too involved. I'm sorry you don't think I'm taking advice on board. I absolutely am.

But you've just illustrated the point I'm trying to make. You want a 'family' meeting but you are not a family. You are a blended family with conflicting priorities. And your DP is 100% entitled to make decisions about the welfare of his son without seeking permission from you first.

Can you honestly say that you would ask your DP for permission to make a decision about your DD?

OMG YANBU of course you are not.

You are an established blended family and sound like a lovely, understanding, warm, step mum.

He absolutely should have been more sensitive and discussed the right way forward with you. Although I understand DSS is going through a lot and it was probably a knee jerk emotive reaction on your DP's part. But it was still wrong.

On MN it seems whenever a child of separated parents is upset that trumps everything. But I don't think it works like that.

I would be very upset too, OP.

The issue isn't really about your DD calling him Dad, its about your DSS not knowing his place in all these different family dynamics, he's worried that he is now losing his dad

Other people are right, your DP needs to fight to make his sons life more secure

Your reaction was unreasonable

I don't know how it works in your life twitter but yes we co-parent DD. Sometimes we disagree but we do discuss and never show that to her. I thought it was the same with DSS. Obviously not. And maybe I am expecting too much. I don't know. I do think in a partnership when a decision being made that affects all four of us should be discussed between the adults before a knee jerk reaction. How is that unreasonable?

TwitteQueen this is a decision about OP's dd !!!

Of course OP was going to be hurt for her DD

Because you are not DSS's mother, and your DP is not your DD's father (though it's apparent the father plays very little part in her life, so understandable that she is very close to your DP).

And as Christina.. says above, its about your DSS not knowing his place in all these different family dynamics, he's worried that he is now losing his dad

He clearly wants and needs his dad to be his. No-one else's. Cut him some slack. It's not your decision to make.

I think some of these comments are so sad.

I never had parents. The people I called mum and dad for a short time weren't my parents but were parents to the other kids in the house. Not a single child or adult had a problem with me calling someone mum and dad who weren't. In one family there were birth, fostered and adopted children. All called mum and dad mum and dad.

Someone is going to be hurt but it doesn't have to be that way.

Hipster No, it's not a decision about the DD at all. It's about listening to what the DSS has requested.

How was my reaction unreasonable naze? By being angry that I hadn't had any discussion with DP? For being annoyed that he put DSS in a difficult position by directly asking him should DD stop calling him dad? By expressing my annoyance to DP when we were child free? Or for not jumping into bed with him after being accused of being childish?

I think OP despite the best of intentions, you are not quite able to see it from the other side.

Can you imagine how it feels to be a child watching your father be dad of the year to someone else's child full-time, whilst you are with a parent you hardly see, shunted from friends and grandparents houses, and have a series of men coming and going? And then to cap it all, you get a ready made family with 4 additional children to live with. You are not the priority and never will be?

Put the shoe on the other foot. Imagine your DD had lived with your ex. Could you see yourself giving your all to someone else's child whilst yours is living in an unstable, insecure situation? If that child asked you one day for just one thing. 'Please can only I call you mummy?' You would say...well I have to discuss it first because DSD might not like because it might not be fair to DSS/DSD?

Really?

Actually he was put right on the spot by DP. He was squirming in his seat. He didn't want to have that conversation and was extremely uncomfortable. I feel equally angry on DSS's behalf. It could have been handled so much more sensitively even if the outcome was the same!

Did you have a discussion with your partner when she starting calling him dad and consider your ss feelings at the time?

So the fact that the young, 6yo dd has to be specifically told not to call the DP dad - after he was previously delighted to be called so. Is that not also kinda something which needs to be handled sensitively? Which both parents need to be on board with?

Ergo. Not fair for him to unilaterally go ahead and change that.

Now that you have had time to reflect a little go back and read the last couple of sentences in para 7 of your post. If the situation was reversed how would you feel if he had written it?

This is such a sorry situation because people are being swayed by what society expects. We can all change those rules slightly if we want to.

For example DH is biological Father to both DS and we're still together. The dear man was so pleased to have DS1 he became known by the affectionate name 'Dadoo'.

Then, when DS2 came along DH didn't want to be called the same name because they were individuals - and he was blown away a second time. Therefore he became 'Dads' to DS2.

It's up to your DP to sit down and play with both of your DCs and decide an affectionate name for each one to use.

Your DD knows the difference and may be feeling the pressure at school - it happens and it's cruel. She could be so proud to say she's got a Daddy and a Poppi/Deedy...

It'll all be ok in the end. Irritatingly DS2 now calls us Mother and Father. DS1 barely calls us at all!

You've got a fabulous holiday coming up. These things can be slightly influenced with younger children.

It's amazing that your DD already knows the difference between Daddy and Dad. It sounds like she'd be proud to experiment and find another style.

My two were brought up knowing their step granddad by that title followed by his dim.name. He is now known as the abusing, stealing, murdering bastard. You never know how it'll turn out.

Talk to DP , tell him how you feel

Yes I can get that. Just to make it clear, I never encouraged DD to call him dad. She started to write dad on cards etc. DP was really excited and emotional about it. I will be having a discussion with DD when she is back from holiday (a few nights with GP's). Basically because I don't want her being gutted and DP would probably fuck it up.

I completely understand that DSS is having a shitty childhood. I would have him with us yesterday. But he would be devastated. He loves his mum. The best we can do is offer more days and nights and aim for 50:50. Because he would never forgive DP if we gained full custody.

Why don't you sit down with both kids together, then they can feel that their opinions are valued and equal

We have a few child free days (a rarity), so I'm going to talk with DP about how we can help DSS feel more settled and increase days. Also how today made me feel.
Thank you for all your posts, some of them made me think differently.

Remember its not just in blended families that parenting issues come up, 12 years down the line DH and I still need to work out different views about DS