Blended family. AIBU to be pissed off?

[Maddogs]

We are a blended family. DP has been in our lives for 4 years. I have a DD (6) and he has a DS (10).

I split with my ex when DD was 18 months old. My DD has a supervised access arrangement with her father and sees him for 4 hours every other week. So in real terms since DP moved in 2.5 years ago he has been a parental figure.

She has recently and if her own volition started calling him dad. She calls my ex daddy and that is how she differentiates. For a while she has written to dad etc on cards. My DP has been very emotional and touched about it.

I have never encouraged or dissuaded as I myself called my SD dad when I was growing up.

DSWas in the room last night and displayed hurt feelings (I wasn't there). Today his dad asked if it wasn't a problem. DSS said yes. So DP said he would stop DD from calling him dad.

I didn't say much in front of DSS apart from no matter what DD says DSS will always have his dad etc.

Afterwards I spoke to DP and said I was very annoyed. He hadn't spoken to me first so we could discuss the best way to deal with it. How will make DD feel if she is no longer 'allowed' to view him as dad? Why did he put the power of a decision into the hands of a ten year old?

We were planning a child free early night, but I am so pissed off I don't feel in the mood for sex at all. I am now apparently childish!! I don't understand how he thinks I want to have sex with someone who obviously feels he can co-parent my child and unilaterally parent his.

Am I being childish or a bad stepmum?

I think a family meeting might be the best

I feel sad for all of you. But I think you are overestimating the impact of any chat that DP might have with DSS about bonds etc, compared to this. Names and identities are so important for a 10yo. I do feel really sad for DD too . There's no easy solution to this one.

We did discuss both as adults and with DSS and DD. DP was so pleased she started to call him dad. I was tbh not bothered having been both a stepdaughter and half sister with two dads and two mums!

She knows who her daddy is, she sees him.

DSS said at the time he wasn't bothered. He has just moved in with his mums new partner who has 4 children. I dont know if this is a factor. I think he is lonely. And that breaks my heart. DD thinks of him as her brother she adores him.

But at the end of the day you can't force feelings. Just be sensitive to them. I'm still annoyed with DP for not at least discussing something which affects DS. He is part of my family too.

Every right to be upset. He told her it was ok. He can't now just take it back. What a horrid rejection from a parent you live with 24/7. I don't care what i promised - it upsets my real child so your feelings dont matter.

He isnt just coparenting your daughter, OP. He's actually taken parental decision out of your hands completely and put you into an impossible situation.

No matter what he says, his actions say that his child is his priority. You need to stop thinking you're a little family unit - he's made it clear you're not.

How about coming up with a special name for your DD to call your DP which isn't 'dad' but reflects how she feels about him, 'pops', 'pa', 'papi', those sort of options. May not feel as obvious/hard for your DSS to cope with.

That's how I feel troll exactly how
I feel. I can't pretend it's all normal and be lovey dovey. It feels like a kick in the gut. And I don't know how to fix it, because I can't.

What a mess are you sure your DSS wouldn't rather be spending more time at your house and less with his Mum - more of a 50/50 arrangement?

I would be hurt but in terms of moving forward if DSS doesn't want to call DP daddy then I think something else like Papa could be introduced for DD.

Does your ex have step children?

We could look at different names, that's not a bad idea. She loves the smurfs so maybe poppa?

I'm just sad that we aren't as together on this parenting front as I thought we were. I'be been working so hard on getting DS to see this as his home. Not asking permission for drinks, making his own space, posters, toys, clothes etc,

I slept on the settee for the first year (he was 7) when he came because he wouldn't settle without his dad.

It's not easy this blended family thing. Somehow my mum and SD made it so 'normal'. I guess the older the child the harder it is to adjust.

My Dd (3) calls her step dad "dad" and "first name" interchangeably. Step kids actually really like it when she calls him dad. As far as she is concerned, everyone has two dads .
I don't know what I would do if the step kids didn't like it, that's a difficult dilemma!

I think YABU OP. Ultimately your DP is not her dad - she has one who she sees regularly. In this context I think you are being dramatic.

I agree with PP - nothing a family conference can't fix surely .

Does he get special time just with his dad much? I think that's going to be very important right now. The issue over the name is really a flag that he is struggling over bigger things I think

I think Dss reaction is to do with what's going on with his mum & 3rd step dad - maybe he is unsettled by this- is it recent - maybe he is confused as to what he should call his SD baring in mind the 2nd
one left. Maybe he just needs reassurance that his dad will always be there for him - any other changes going on in his life?

Could you somehow come up with a new nickname for DP and make this all into a joke like evil stepmother so he is called this for the time being - get Dp in on this - he could say something like I want to be called this from now on - this would put dss & Dd on an equal footing for time being and then somehow you also need to have a conversation about names and family dynamics - ultimately though I think this is dss needing reassurance from his dad

I know DP would be very happy with 50:50, i would be too. In reality DSS spends one night at GP's, and probably 2 nights at friends on his mums days. I remember him crying in Feb half term because he hadn't seen her for a week. He had been farmed out to various people.

He lived with his mum and GP's for six months before this latest bloke came along and I've never seen him happier. He misses them dreadfully because they gave him structure and routine. But he worries about his mum when he is away from her. She suffers with anxiety and I think he feels he should look after her.

Sorry but didn't it occur to you that DS wouldn't like it?

You're completely overlooking his feelings and instead focussing on your own, your DD and your DPs reaction.

Put yourself in the lads position. And no poppa, pops etc is the same as Dad. He's not her dad, she has her own dad, and DS has every right to keep that privilege to himself.

Speaking of which have you discussed this with her actual dad?

I think this is a reaction to what is happening with his mum too. He really seems to like this new bloke but there has been so much change over such a short period of time.

Special time is definitely needed. He needs that with his dad. And DP does do that man thing if not really thinking. He leaves the emotional stuff up to me.

If your DD was visibly upset that DSS was calling you Mum you may have made the same mistake. It sounds like you are doing a great job but DO made a rash judgement.

You need to separate the issue of resolving The "Dad" label and how hurt you are at what DP did. Both need resolving separately - what he did was hurtful and lacking in forethought.

I have no contact with her 'actual' dad. All contact is through supervision only. My mum does all necessary communication with him.
He didn't care what school she went to, doesn't seem to show any interest in her life. And yes she has told him she has 2 dad's. He said he wasn't bothered,

I think you sound like a great step mum and seem very aware if the issues your DSS is facing. It would appear that you are upset of your DPs handling of the situation, if that's the case then tell him them. There are likely to be lots of issues as time goes on andyoubothneed to find a way of handling g them that works

Good luck

And DP did discuss it with DSS when DD started calling him dad. Separately and without us there. He said it was fine. But reality is obviously a different thing. I do understand his feelings and I do empathise.

My concern is how do you undo 'dad' for a six year old. And why the fuck DP didn't talk to me about it first! He is t the most emotionally intelligent of blokes and we could have discussed the best way to broach it with DSS. I noticed you looked upset, how did it make you feel? Etc instead of if you dont like it I won't let her call me dad!!

You really need to explore DSS spending more nights with you guys so he is farmed out less I know that wasn't why you posted. His Mum doesn't make him a priority and it's likely he realises that and is grieving

If you have a baby together, is your partner also going to allow your son to decide what name he is called?

Children in blended families are sharing their parents, that is a fact. I'm sure this sometimes can make them feel sad but it is our job as parents (including step-parents) to help them come to terms with their feelings, not just make a knee jerk reaction which might help one child and hurt another. So IMHO YANBU, but your partner is.

It sounds like your stepson is suffering more as a consequence of his Mum's changes of circumstances, all you can do is carry on providing him with a secure place to visit and spend time talking to him and reassuring him that his Mum, Dad and you all love him.

OP, it appears that you're not actually reading / taking on board / considering anyone else's viewpoint or suggestions.

You are repeating the same thing over and over again, though posters - me included - have tried to provide a different perspective to help you fell less injured and hard-done-by.

So I'll sign off with a final comment about how you feel you have created a family (and kudos to you for all your efforts and love and attention) without understanding that you are a blended family that has to take other people's feelings into account.

He told me today that he is lonely and I just felt so sad for him. I wish I could tell his mother to pull her big girl knickers on and start parenting instead of chasing the next knob.

Yes more nights with us if we can get his mum to agree. Me and DD may not be his birth family but we love him. And obvs DP would be much happier. We are both worried about him.

To be honest, hearing about what your DSS has gone through, I'm astounded that your DP should never have allowed himself to be called dad by your DD, although I'm sure he feels fatherly towards her.

The poor boy. 3 STD??! Mum's new partner has 4 children? 2 nights spent sleeping at friends? Just bleak. Frankly, borderline neglectful.

Has your DP ever tried hard to fight through the courts for greater custody? It's his job, not yours, to make sure his son is secure. What's happened is that your DSS is not secure, and now his insecurity is causing issues. I think you should insist your DP handle it, and not leave it up to you to show the obvious. He needs to step up for his son. If it's not resolved it will cause greater issues down the road.

I agree your DP needs to force the issue via the courts if need be. Needs to take the choice making out off DSS and recognise the majority or 50% of the care at yours is what his son needs right now.

I would say to DSS remember even if DD still sometimes forgets and calls him DD he will always be your Daddy.