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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Blended family. AIBU to be pissed off?

111 replies

Maddogs · 14/08/2017 18:00

We are a blended family. DP has been in our lives for 4 years. I have a DD (6) and he has a DS (10).

I split with my ex when DD was 18 months old. My DD has a supervised access arrangement with her father and sees him for 4 hours every other week. So in real terms since DP moved in 2.5 years ago he has been a parental figure.

She has recently and if her own volition started calling him dad. She calls my ex daddy and that is how she differentiates. For a while she has written to dad etc on cards. My DP has been very emotional and touched about it.

I have never encouraged or dissuaded as I myself called my SD dad when I was growing up.

DSWas in the room last night and displayed hurt feelings (I wasn't there). Today his dad asked if it wasn't a problem. DSS said yes. So DP said he would stop DD from calling him dad.

I didn't say much in front of DSS apart from no matter what DD says DSS will always have his dad etc.

Afterwards I spoke to DP and said I was very annoyed. He hadn't spoken to me first so we could discuss the best way to deal with it. How will make DD feel if she is no longer 'allowed' to view him as dad? Why did he put the power of a decision into the hands of a ten year old?

We were planning a child free early night, but I am so pissed off I don't feel in the mood for sex at all. I am now apparently childish!! I don't understand how he thinks I want to have sex with someone who obviously feels he can co-parent my child and unilaterally parent his.

Am I being childish or a bad stepmum?

OP posts:
meltingmarshmallows · 14/08/2017 20:37

I'm not a SP but am honestly a bit surprised by the reaction here. I too call my SD my Dad and would be so hurt if he asked me not to, after sort of encouraging it and it having been ok for a while. Never mind if I was 6!

You clearly care for both DC and are very caring and considerate. You're not trying to force DSS to call you Mum. And as someone else has pointed out, if you had a baby together they would call him Dad. I think he should have spoken to you first and then both of you reassured DSS. Both kids have a lot to contend with but your stable home will no doubt be a very important space. It's vital they both feel comfortable but it does make me sad to think of DD having to almost take a step back in terms of the blended family, because DSS isn't there yet. It's a tough one but I agree entirely he should have spoke to you first!

greenberet · 14/08/2017 20:37

Op I'm not sure some of these replies come from people with kids, let alone being in an abusive relationship and then going on and trying to establish a family unit with another partner and kids.

It has to be about reaching a compromise not each parent prioritising their own over the other children in the set up. This is no different to the damage down by a parent having a favourite child and all those knowing this.

Op is trying to resolve this taking all into account. I think the issue is more that Dp didn't consult her before making a decision - op maybe this triggered off something from your previous relationship? And the thing about sex when your pissed off - I've got mixed views on this - could it be seen as a way of trying to put the evening back on track and not let what happened interfere with your relationship - by you saying no is this some sort of "punishment" for DP not discussing with you first.

Or is it that Dp should not even try it on when he can see that he has upset you _ this is something I'm working through too

Underthemoonlight · 14/08/2017 20:40

Yabu my DH has been in DS life from the age of two and has called him by his name he has a dad. He did ask to have his name double barrelled to included my and consulted ex but he said no which has been respected. I would hate it as a child for someone to call my DF dad when they are not.

WhooooAmI24601 · 14/08/2017 20:54

Love isn't limited to those you're genetically connected to. It's a constant thing which can increase to surround every child you live with regardless of biology.

DS1 isn't DH's biological child. He calls him Dad regardless. Nobody encouraged it, nobody pushed or cajoled. It simply evolved that way. It doesn't demean his bond with his Dad, nor does it detract from the bond DH has with DS2 (his biological child).

I grew up in care for 10 years then was adopted and don't believe for a single second that a child calling someone "Daddy" can possibly be detrimental to that "Daddy's" bond with another child. Love isn't finite, nor is parenting. It grows as your family grows.

What happens if DSS decides he no longer likes his Dad giving your DD hugs? What is he decides he doesn't like the fact that she holds his hand when they're out? How much of your family dynamic does he get to decide?

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 20:55

Well I just tried to have a calm discussion with DP. Basically along the lines of 'disappointed we didn't discuss it first', 'what are we going to say to DD'.

Response - I don't know what the big issue is. I'll talk to him again.

I said you can't listen to him saying he would prefer for DD not to call you dad and then turn around and say actually could you change your mind?!!

Apparently now I am argumentative and he doesn't know what the problem is. He's gone to work in a huff after asking if I am drunk (had a small glass of wine with tea).

I don't know if I am angry, sad or just completely fed up. It's not like this can just be brushed under the carpet and ignored. How would DSS feel then??

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 20:57

I do agree whooo I too believe love isn't biologically defined. I'm so fed up right now.

OP posts:
Mumof56 · 14/08/2017 20:57

What has you DD said, if anything about it?

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/08/2017 20:58

I think its a mixture of all those feelings, he is being an arse

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 21:02

DD is currently on a little caravan holiday with my mum and dad.

The thing that pisses me off is he was so happy to be called dad. Then today ok won't be called dad. Tonight I will talk to him again I.e change his mind. Seriously can't grasp that this is big stuff.

OP posts:
Whataboutus · 14/08/2017 21:04

I get your point completely op and don't understand the way the thread has gone.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 14/08/2017 21:09

I think he feels guilty and a shit Dad to both of them because of this

Ohyesiam · 14/08/2017 21:11

Have a family meeting. Give everyone equal space to day how they feel and how to come up With solutions. Kids are amazingly creative and will say some constructive things you would not have thought of. Everyone takes responsibility for what they say, with the ground rule of speaking kindly. Ime even big loaded things get resolved easily in this way.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 21:49

He is now messaging from work. After me spelling out how this could affect both dc's he finally seems to be getting it.

Hopefully we can work through this together. He says he just wants them happy and settled. Not talking about things isn't going to achieve that though.

OP posts:
Bibidy · 14/08/2017 22:18

Sorry, I couldn't disagree more with most of these replies.

Surely, SURELY, the only logical way forward - and the only way that's not fuelling a jealous and harmful fire in a confused 10 year old boy - is to explain to SS (as OP did try to at the start) that nothing can ever take his dad away from him and that DD loving him and calling him dad doesn't mean SS loses out on anything at all. They are all a family now, including both SS and DD.

Not to mention that DD only sees her own dad 4 hours a week...I can't imagine how upset she'd feel to be told she can't call OP's DP dad because 'he's not her real dad'. Where does that leave her?

Love isn't like pie, you don't get less for yourself because somebody else has some too! Use this time to teach SS that everyone is loved and valued equally in this family, and that his dad loves DD very much, AND him.

NeverTwerkNaked · 14/08/2017 22:43

Totally agree bibidy
That sounds like progress Op Smile

LesisMiserable · 14/08/2017 22:52

Instead of discussing with your DP again until he agrees with/placates you, please ask your DSS what would make him feel more secure and truly listen to his answer and then act on it as far as is achievable. He has a voice, let him use it even if you don't like what he has to say.

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 23:30

I'm not trying to get him to agree/placate me! I was trying to discuss how we manage this for both dc. As I've said already DP can't suddenly say actually can you change your mind.

But what do you placate one child and upset the other? There needs to be a middle ground somewhere.

OP posts:
Shankarankalina · 14/08/2017 23:50

What does your dp's son call you?

Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 23:56

He calls by name or 'evil stepmother' it's a joke btw.

But when we met each other's children he was nearly 7 and DD was nearly 3.

OP posts:
Original poster
Maddogs · 14/08/2017 23:57

DD can't really remember in much detail a time when her dad lived here.

OP posts:
LesisMiserable · 15/08/2017 00:55

"Tonight I will talk to him again I.e change his mind".

I took your words to mean you would talk to him until he changes his stance? Anyway, I think placating his own actual son should come before placating his DSD, yes. The boy's thoughts and feelings needs to be put first by at least one of his parents. Its perhaps a great lesson in compassion for your DD too, her feelings are important and so are his.

Ellisandra · 15/08/2017 01:20

I'm surprised at all those saying a family meeting is the way to go!

A (currently) emotionally disturbed and very unsettled 10yo and an emotionally immature 6yo... what if he says "he's my dad not yours"?
What's the 6yo going to say? "Yeah, I get that that's tough for you, I'll call him Poppa".
"No - that still means dad, and he's my dad".
Or "OK"

missmollyhadadolly · 15/08/2017 01:34

Les those were the DP's words to OP.

Families don't work if you put the feelings of one child over another.

There is a way around this, but it's not playing yo-yo with DD's feelings.

It also has a whiff of expecting girls to put up.

LesisMiserable · 15/08/2017 01:42

Apologies. But still, I think the DSS feelings about his own father do supercede the DSD's towards her stepdad. He must absolutely be allowed to feel that he has at least somebody to call 'his'. He's asserting that right now to regain some control as he has none whatsoever in his life with his mum.

Bibidy · 15/08/2017 09:23

LesisMiserable

But his dad will always be 'his', no matter what anybody else calls him!

All the threads on here saying all children/step-chidren should be treated the same in a blended family, and yet people are advising OP to allow this blatant divisive line to be drawn right through the middle of her family? How does that bode for the future?

It's SS here who needs to be gently spoken to and reassured about his position in his dad's life.