Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

Stop subsidising him and I think it's very likely his even darker side will be visible pretty soon, if that's what you need to confirm your course of action.

I am so sad for you OP. He really is useless and re-reading one of your posts, he sounds about 10! (At a mates house playing x-box then went home to his Mum's for tea!!). His poor parents - I feel really sorry for them too. They must be totally perplexed as to how he has turned out like this when his siblings are well-adjusted adults.

Personally I would finish it now and then go on holiday solo (if you are really sure that there is no way a mate could come). Tell him to be out by the time you get back. I suppose this depends on if he has the keys to his parents house and can move back there whilst they are in Mexico. Do you know any of his friends well enough to talk to and ask that they help him move? Or his siblings?

How are you today Liongirl?

I agree that Counselling is a good idea. You've been through so much as a child, it's no wonder you have been putting up with this mans behaviour. But PLEASE do not settle for this man, you deserve a much better life.

Hello everyone. Thought id come back with some updates.

I have taken everyones advice on board and booked in with a counsellor for this weekend. My goodness it's been a hard slog trying to find one that's professional though! I went through the BACP search as recommended by a poster. Well.. Half of them didn't bother to message me back after i enquired about how to book, the other half were so illiterate in their messages i just couldn't take them seriously! Sounds minor but when a professionam who your meant to share your most intimate details with messages you 'yh ok, whose ur name agen? Wer do u live hunni' you lose all will!! Honesty! Anyway i seem to have found 1 out of 10! Let's just hope it goes well!

In regards to the holiday they wont let me change my departure date or i would have to cancel and rebook the entire thing at full cost. The whole thing is very stressful so im trying not to think about it too much and see what happens between now and then.

I've become quite distant from my partner. Since starting this thread i feel so emotional for some reason, like i have opened up wounds. I have no idea what im going to do, how I'm going to do it and if its the right choice. I hope counselling will assist with that.

My partner called me today after work and asked i come to his parents house to watch a programme with them. I declined as I'm so tired. The dishes arent washed and the garden isnt weeded like he said he would as hes no longer working. I can't be bothered to nag him. I haven't actually seen his family in about 3 weeks which is very unusual for me. Perhaps ive been subconsciously distancing myself?

Work was so damn stressful today and demanding. I'm the youngest in my team by 20 years. Everyone else my age is on the lower end of the work scale meaning i am their senior/superior. It takes many people a lot of working years to get to my level and people are often so suprised by my age and my position. As great as an accomplishment that is, it also has negatives and drawbacks. The main one being that staff on my working level can't quite relate on a real friendship as im the same age as their adult children. I also dont have children/married so can't relate to them on that level either. But the staff my actual age i can't relate to either as i feel i am so much older than them in terms of lifestyle and day to day living. Plus i supervise most of them so then there's also that to consider with professional boundaries.
I've realised that having such a pressured job, i need a home environment where i am not having to always be the responsible one 24/7. I go to work and am responsible. I come home and am responsible for everything. If i fail then everything goes. It makes me feel resentful that he gets to have so much fun and enjoyment and not worry about bills/house and then when he does work its never jobs with responsibility so not much pressure there. Although i do acknowledge that work is hard in most jobs. I actually round retail 10 times harder than my current job funnily enough. I was always clock watching. But it's a different type of stress to what i do. I absolutely love my job and wouldn't want to do anything else. But in order to do my job well things at home have to be relatively alright, otherwise you get no release.

When i say what's stated above don't get me wrong. He does do just as much housework as me but i have to specifically tell him what he needs to do otherwise he wouldn't do it. Sometimes i have to nag a few times also which does grind me as it's not just me that lives here and it's not just for my benefit!

I've reflected on one of my fears of being alone. Every single person i know isn't happy and is looking for love. I was out with some friends over the weekend. Most of them single (and older by at least 10 years, some of them even older in their 50s). And pretty much all of them are online dating and complaining about their hook ups. All of these ladies are also professionals who i know through my profession. I dont know of any single person who isn't trying to find someone and is perfectly content with just being as they are. Plus they all have some form of family nearby who they see regularly(parents and siblings). This does make me think 'if they have family that loves them and support them and they still aren't satisfied with being single and feel lonely, then what hope do I have?!'

Further update:

We did actually have a chat last night. Well i broached the subject of the future with him. I asked where he sees himself in 10 years time. His response 'cant say, no one can predict the future' i then asked him if he had the choice in an ideal world, he said 'with qualifications, married to you with kids.'

One things i missed out in my OP which may actually sway things is his damn hobby qualification. Now i dont want to give myself away but he is working towards a qualification via distant learning. Now this is where i become a bitter killjoy. He has this hobby, lets say its along the same lines as photography infact lets pretend it is (its not actually photography but you get my drift, i dont want to give myself away).

Now when we first met he was self employed doing photography but due to not enough work, he was skint so gave it up but but continued to do it as a hobby which i have encouraged and supported. However inbetween every job he would lose he would keep attempting to go back to photography and say 'its gonna be different this time blah blah blah'. But of course it never was. Now despite not needing a qualification to do this he still managed to get a government funded grant through the job centre to do the course in photography!! Even though it never works whenever he attempts it and having that piece of paper wont make a difference to any earning/jobs. Despite this he is still obsessed with doing it and that being the answer and his path in life!! Another thing that irritates me, is i would probably be on board a lot more of he tried to achieve in other ways with his 'photography' such as entering competitions and putting everything into it like others in this field do. They also work reliable jobs whilsts indulging this hobby and the select few who do make it then quit their jobs when they are nationally successful, but nope. He thinks doing this photography an hour or two a day will do it all for him. So even in his own passion hes not really that ambitous. I've tried researching jobs related to this hobby for him that guarantee a deccent income such as photography teaching. But nope hes not interested. So in his mind in 10 years time he will become a succesful photographer despite the fact its never worked before and hardly anyone is actually doing that job alone full time and succesfully. But he won't listen no matter how hard anyone explains it to him!

It's not looking good is it guys? :(

He's a complete dreamer happy to cocklodge with whoever sorry time to move on, the resentment will kill your love in the end.

He's a bit half arsed with everything teen like in a way the whole laid back ah it'll work out in the end marriage kids 'hobbyjob'. Meanwhile the grown ups around him pick up the slack til then.
You're like mum 2.0 he'll clean up his messes if you tell him enough times! You'll feed him and pay his overdraft fees etc when he runs out of his pocket money!

You are right, home should be a break from being supervisor. Burdens and bills should be shared at home.
Neither of you have kids or a mortgage so both are equally responsible for funding your individual lifestyles. Your partners lifestyle is funded by his parents and you.

Thanks for your responses and i know your both right. I supported his 'passion' many times in the beginning. But after a few years i just don't care anymore and wish he would just leave it as his pastime/hobby and focus on something more stable and if the hobby turns into a successful career then great, but if not at least he's got something to fall back on. I've recommended so many careers that suite both his strengths and his passion but it falls on deaf ears and he points out successful people in that field.

If he were to throw himself 100% into it and enter all the competitions and courses that others in that field do to be successful then i would be a lot more inclined to support him fully throughout his job losses as at least we could see his success in some wag and him getting somewhere to build upon it.

Jeez i sound like such a bore!!

Urgh, a "struggling artist". If you suggest he gets a job he will claim you're stifling his creativity or some such bullshit!

This type do not cope well with DC.

Just tell him you want an adult and equal...

Firstly and most importantly, I'm really glad you've found a counsellor. Sounds like it was harder work than it should have been! but will hopefully be worth it I do think the counselling should help you work through whatever decision you make and feel ok about it.

On the subject of being single. I think most people do prefer being in a relationship to being single. But I think the order of preference goes (or should go) like this:

1. Good relationship
2. Single
3. Bad relationship

I honestly think that being single is better than being in a bad relationship, because bad relationships can damage your self esteem, create issues which become barriers to good relationships in future, and prevent you from having the opportunity to meet new people and start a good relationship.

As for your latest updates about his hobby and having to nag him to do basic tasks... ugh. He sounds like even more of a loser at every post!

Lastly, you don't sound like a bore at all. You sound like someone who has (understandably) had enough

Liongirl - it's great to see that you are getting so much practical advice about to potentially end this relationship that you are beginning to realise is just not working for you.

I can't add anything to that side of things but what I can say is that you have nothing to fear about being single. Nothing at all. I'm in my late 30s and have been single for the best part of 15 years and I'm more than happy with how my love life (or lack of it) is. Yes I may have the odd moment where I wish I was with someone, but that happens twice a year max and passes after a hour or two. And there's many a person in a relationship who wishes they were single on a regular basis so just remember everyone thinks the grass is greener occasionally!

You sound like an incredibly strong and determined woman who is clear is what they want from life. And most importantly, you are respect yourself too much to put up with someone leaching off your hard work. If you can do all that, then you can more than manage with being single. It's about enjoying time to yourself, doing what you want to do but most importantly (for me anyway) being happy with who you and how independent you are. As others have said, being in a crap relationship is far, far worse than being on your own. Truly. I've seen many people cling on to bad situations at home because they have a fear of being on their own which is completely unjustified, and they end up spending the rest of their lives either being with someone so unsuitable they are both miserable, or jumping from bad relationship to bad relationship as they won't take time out to be by themselves and be a bit pickier about who they choose to be with. Society drums into us that we need to be coupled up, but in reality not everyone is so co-dependent that they can't possibly cope without another person in their lives.

You are strong and you will be more than fine as a single woman. (Although once you've split and taken some time for yourself to get over this relationship, I'm sure you'll meet someone else who is worthy of you).

Brilliant post Mojo 💪

You don't sound a bore. You sound like an adult - we have responsibilities and can't dream about becoming a successful artist/DJ/whatever without even putting any work in. He doesn't even sound like a teenager, more like a middle-schooler.

And the part that he does his fair share if you only point it out - no he doesn't, if you still have to manage him and tell him what to do.
Looks familiar? www.theguardian.com/world/2017/may/26/gender-wars-household-chores-comic

Liongirl, I do understand that you're scared of being on your own, but I promise you that splitting up with him will be better for you in the long run. And I know this sounds really hippy and woo, but you'll clearing a space for more positive things to come into your life. It will be hard for you at first, but once you do it, you'll wonder why you didn't do it ages ago.

I used to know a dreamer person who was a wannabe musician. She was always convinced she was going to get a record deal tomorrow and would become big and famous, but this went on for years. She deliberately quit her job and went on benefits so she could have lots of time to write songs, but she never played gigs or promoted herself. Last year, she was declared bankrupt. Sorry to say it, but the only reason this hasn't happened to your boyfriend is because people keep bailing him out. It's not your responsibility to fund his lifestyle and it has to stop.

I can understand the fear of being alone if you break up with this manchild but if you stay with him he'll grind you down until you can't take it anymore.

I get the impression you've subconsciously recreated your childhood but with you in the parent role this time. Hopefully counselling will help you see that that is over, you've worked hard and been successful, time to enjoy the fruits of your labour and free yourself of this manchild.

Please never have children with him. Even if he was a SAHP you'd need him to manage household finances, do chores, organise appointments etc. It's a job itself.

He's basically told you he will not change. In ten years he wants you to still be supporting him. He'd probably be fun for the children but nothing more whilst you ran yourself ragged.

He is a fool, he proves that with his actions and you deserve better. He isn't going to change, cut your losses and move on.

You are doing the right thing. I'm not surprised you are feeling emotional, you have suppressed a lot of feelings by getting your head down and getting on with practical stuff.

Don't count on his family, as soon as they realise that you are serious, they may well switch sides and turn against you. After all, he is their problem child and you have been solving that problem by taking responsibility for him and offering him a potential future. They may even get angry with you. My ex ILs felt like family but exH bombarded them with his lies story and they turned against me. Brace yourself!

You can do this, you have many other possible futures out there and all are better than wasting your life with this manchild

The thing about people is generally they like to complain - so single people complain about the things they don't like about being single and the married/cohabiting people complain about the things they don't like to.

Being with someone has positives and negatives. Being single has positives and negatives. One of the nicest things of all though is coming home to peace. What will give you peace?

It's good too that it was a hard slog finding the right counsellor for you. You put a lot of effort into working how who was good enough for you to trust.

Apply this principle to everyone you let into your life.

*too!

The thing about people is generally they like to complain - so single people complain about the things they don't like about being single and the married/cohabiting people complain about the things they don't like to.

Bingo! Hold onto that thought OP. And good luck to you 👏🏼

If you do go on the holiday, is there any way you don't have to pay for him the whole time - e.g. fill up on the hotel breakfast so you don't have to eat until supper and suggest that he goes and does his hobby during the day while you do your own thing, or insist that he pays his own way (can he borrow yet more money from his parents).

On the holiday, did you ask about costs to book separate rooms? That way you wouldn't have to subsidise him, apart from the additional cost.

If you break up with him he may decide not to come anyway.

I still think £2k, though a lot, is worth losing to get out faster.

Have you tried selling the holiday ?

@Liongirl111

The answer has already been given. Choose what will ultimately bring you (your soul) peace 💜💜