Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

He could start acting like an adult and he wouldn't lose you. He chooses not to.

End it , because he wont change. He will drag you down and destroy your feelings for him.

Shame, but his choice.

Liongirl I'm glad for your sake that you've finally seen the light but even with your leaving plans you're still pandering to him. You have to stop this. He's an adult, you need to treat him like one.

Don't go on holiday with him. Either go on your own (you are perfectly safe having an overnight stop in the Middle East - I assume you're flying with Qatar/Emirates/Etihad - I have done it many times as a single female and it's fine) or cancel the whole thing.

Given the drama he is inevitably going to cause (in the hope of getting his own way), it would probably make more sense for you to move out rather than him. That way he doesn't have to know where you've moved to. Talk to your landlord, get your name taken off the lease and move out. When I split with my ex, I waited until he'd left for work and then moved out (I had friends waiting round the corner with a van) to avoid the huge drama that would occur if I told my ex I was leaving. It was 12 months before he knew where I'd moved to.

As for being scared of being alone, that's understandable but facing your fears is better than a miserable future with this man-child. I know lots of people who live alone and have no support network. I was one of them myself. But you will make new friends and you will develop that support. It will take time and effort and you will need to be strong but you can do it. You've come a long way, don't throw it all away for this man, you deserve better.

Take it easy on yourself, Liongirl. The big change that you will need to make, for yourself, is is to stop caring what happens to him. Notice how often you say (so possibly think) you have to do something for or about him. Switch your focus to yourself, look after yourself and put your own wishes and needs first, from now on.

Thus will be a big change for you. Notice just how often you find yourself sliding back into thinking about solutions for him, rather than for yourself. Use this new found knowledge to focus your energy on yourself.

Once you can just shrug and genuinely not care what happens to him, you might be surprised by how fast he moves on, to the next victim. He will use histrionics on you, only while he thinks the effort is worthwhile. Make sure they don't gain him anything, and it will all become much easier for you.

Once you get in touch with how he has been stealing from you, which is what his behaviour has after all been, you will get sad and angry and hopefully, better placed to look after yourself.

Can you speak to the landlord, remove your name, move bills to His name and you move out. Maybe chane your phone number too.

I must say after reading this thread, I really dislike your boyfriend and what he is putting you through. I think you will be fine alone, I spent several years by myself before I met my husband and it was scary at times, but well worth it. I had a lot of fun. And I think it will be better than tearing yourself apart like you are.
Couple of suggestions.

Is it possible to postpone the holiday? For six months or so- that you can organise for a friend to go instead?
Because it sounds like you'll lose more money that could be used to find a new place to live without him.

If not, maybe get him a new bank account with no overdraft options before you go? and explain the bank of Liongirl is closed before you leave and stick to it- let him whine, cry and generally whimper surrounded by the tat he will have blown all his cash on at the airport.
If he can't pay he can remain at the hotels, and make it clear to reception there will be no room service charges allowed. Insist with hotel that everything must be paid in cash. You are often able to do this if you pay a cash deposit rather than providing a credit card as security. Make him pay half of it. And if he can't pay for activities, leave him to rot.
Tell him repeatedly before that this is how it will be, and stick to it.
Would that be feasible at all?

if you don't want to leave before the holiday, and end up going on it- I should add

The only plans he has in life that he is certain of is to marry and have kids with me. No other goals or ambitions. Due to our long term relationship he pretty much thinks this is set in stone and i wouldn't leave him after all Ive invested and put up with. Therefore hes not gonna take this lying down. For him thats his entire future gone.

I can't believe he thinks it's ok to be such a leech!

Great posts from Hundred and Finally - please heed their advice!

Thank you for your advice ladies. I am reading them over and over again to give me strength and have confirmation of what i already know. I have not been able to ssy these issues out loud before so its been 4 years of having this conversation with myself over and over again.

So a bit of an update: partner calls me at about half 5 and asks what im having for tea. By him saying that i can guess he has no money for food and is hoping i will say im cooking some big meal that wil feed us both. I say just an oven pizza and ask whst hes doing. He was at his mates house playing playstation. I knew immediately that as I'm not going to provide him with food he wont come straight home and go to his parents for tea. Well i guessed right and hes just come in happy and well fed from mum and dad.

Meanwhile.. Whilst he was out i had a long heart to heart conversation with my mother on the phone. Now we have a very funny relationship. She drinks a lot and has a lot of mental health issues and is somewhat unstable. Due to this and a whole host of other issues (i had many 'step dads' growing up) we unfortunately can't live together. I wont go into the backstory but we see eachother once a year sometimes twice and when we see each other we get on like a house on fire but then we wont speak for 3-6months straight. She lives a 9 hour journey away the other side of the UK.
Anyway i ended up telling her everything. I didn't hold back. She has told me that i have been so focused through childhood despite the circumstances and always said since small i would be successful when i was a grown up and when she would be crying on the floor as we had no gas or electric i would cuddle her and promise her when i was a grown up id make sure we would never have to worry about money again. She told me to imagine that little girl seeing me now and the relationship i was in, letting a man live off me and my hard work. She told me not to worry about the holiday and as you all said, for me to contact the holiday company and try to change the dates. She then said for me to use that leave booked to come and see her and stay for a week or so to get away from it all whilst he moves out and cut contact that week.

Now i don't know if I'd go back to my mothers that week despite the lovely gesture as it may do me more harm than good as she is only mentally stable for a certain length of time so if she had a 'down' week id feel ten times worse. I usually have to be mentally prepared to see her incase she is not functioning as it takes me right back to childhood. However despite this it's still nice to hear and be reassured im doing the right thing. Although unstable, she would 100% tell me to stay if she felt it would benefit me at all as she has said om a few occassions that she's able to cut me off so easily contact wise because she knows i have my partner and his family so she doesn't feel as guilty as she would if i was on my own. So for her to tell me to leave him i know is right. To be honest she was so shocked that he's still in the same boat he was when we first met. I've not told her that he hasn't changed and still can't hold down a job as i was so embarrassed.

I didn't want her to think i was anything like her in terms of choosing loser men. Funny I'm making similar mistakes.

Tomorrow i shall contact the travel company. No clue what they'll say though as the holiday is in less than 3 weeks!!

I'm glad you spoke to your mum and she was able to be supportive and has given you some strength and resolve.

It can't be easy not being able to rely on her 100% and you have certainly been through a lot. But it sounds as if you are strong and determined as a result.

Good luck calling the travel company.

Whatever happens with this breakup - even if it's messy - I think you are going to be ok. Onwards and upwards!

💪

He sounds unbelievably manipulative and immature. He knows the tears and the begging works. He doesn't ever have to grow up or change his attitude towards money just cry beg and emotionally bombard you/his parents until someone (not him) caves.

You'll need to be firm and tell him to "turn off the waterworks that you're done listening to his begging without changing" its time for him to grow up and sort his own life without tears!! And wasting money.

My ex too would cry, beg and bombard me to the point my own thoughts and feelings didn't matter only his need to remain in relationship.
He could not and did not see how his behaviour affected me.

Omg.. He's just told me to listen to some poem called 'roll the dice' which is a poem about being determined and standing alone in life to achieve your goals!! What the fuck!!! He said it was really motivating.. As if he is an achiever and knows what it means and how it feels. He genuinely has no fucking idea!!! A few months ago i would have taken in every single word he said. Shocking.

Sounds like you're ready OP.

That's really sad about tea! So you been working hard all day and he quite happy for you to cook? Was there not enough pizza for
Two? Or did he just want something better? Tell me you don't have his n her food? Surely if he really cared he just want spend time with you reagardless of what you are eating.

Glad you spoke to your mum, all
Helps to practise saying it for real. the poem is just odd!

Did you book the holiday in your name as the lead passenger
If so I am pretty sure you can changed everything and anything on the booking form without your DPs consent if he is not the lead passenger
And if it's Dubai where your worried about flying to as a single woman don't worry
Despit what people say and what you read in the media. Unless you plan to shag on the beach in public with some random stranger - take drugs or get pissed in public it's probably one of the safest places I've been to as a single woman and I've been many times .

If it's only for a stopover then go and enjoy it you won't see much if you have limited time but don't let that twat of a DP stop you enjoying yourself

Yeah, Billy Bullshit is well motivated, all right. By other people's generosity!

Good luck with the holiday company. I'll give the usual ducks in a row speech here - before you say anything to him, have all vital documents and financial records safe and make sure there's nothing you'll have to scrabble around to organise.

That's so funny about the poem, what a twat!

I married one of these. We have had nothing but hand to mouth. He's now in his dotage. I regret the very moment, and every moment since I met him.

Yes, there were good times. He was funny and very pretty. Not so much now he's ill and nuts.

Can I suggest that when you are done with entitled boy that you do the freedom programme? You aren't the classic abused woman in a cycle but your dm introduced a way of being that you are repeating despite being financially autonomous. You see yourself as stronger than dm but you are still submitting.

As annoying as losing a holiday is, it doesn't matter that much in the scale of a lifetime of getting away from him.

Quite frankly, be prepared to call the police on his sorry ass if he harasses you. That is very controlling behavior, and if the tears don't work he could get angry.

I think it's surprising that you think his parents will support you, rather than him, if you split. I wouldn't count on that.

So you can see the pattern you have repeated from your mother/child relationship with your boyfriend - except that you are the mother and he is the child.

It's a real emotional step forward for you op that you have recognised this and no longer need to do it. Your next relationship is likely to be founded on more adult/adult principles. It will be so breathtakingly different.

When it comes to breaking up with him I'm not sure he will be any worse than before - that's just his pattern of making you feel guilty to restore the status quo. Once he knows you are truly serious about the end you might even be amazed at how quickly he finds someone else to be his 'mother'.

You are right though to make things more easy for you by blocking him and you can also say that you will notify the police about him harassing you. [phoning all night is harassment]

Whether you do go on holiday or not - you'll know that you can handle it because it's almost the end of this tiresome relationship. I think your suggestion earlier about how to end it make complete sense.

Wow! I think that poem just proves that he has no insight into his own behaviour. Sounds like he has 'Peter Pan' syndrome (unwilling to grow up!). I suspect he is living as he is because he can. If you don't bail him out, his parents will. Nobody says no to this guy, do they? I imagine he's also looking forward to the future when he gets his inheritance. Sad thing is living as he is, he'll have blitzed through it within years, if not months.

Given your childhood, it's impressive that you've learnt to grow up and be as responsible as you are. It's also understandable that you've chosen a partner like this because you're trying to 'rescue' him. I agree with ExplodedCloud, the Freedom programme would probably be good for you. Honestly? I'd leave while I still could in your position. You can't change him, the blinkers are off now you see him for what he is. If you walk away only losing £2k from a holiday, that's not bad going. Gpimg on the holiday could be throwing good money after bad if you end up bankrolling him the whole time, or the alternative is as you suggest where you don't spend what you normally would because you don't bankroll him which you mean you don't get the holiday you really want.