Boyfriend is financially irresponsible. Should i leave him?

[Liongirl111]

Hello,
First time posting as i really need some unbiased relationship/life advice on this matter.
I've been with my partner for 4 years. No kids and both in our mid/late twenties.
We are very much in love and generally get on well and rarely argue over anything other than one thing... Money!!
A bit of background is that i have come from a poor background where money was a real issue growing up and the cause of soooo much stress!! As i grew up without i was determined to make something of myself. I went to uni and qualified in a very good profession and have been on no less than 30k since 22 years old (through literal blood sweat and a lot of tears) and i am now in a very stable well payed job that requires a lot of hard work.
I also live down south so prices are also a lot higher if that makes a difference?

My partner on the other hand.. Grew up very well off. His parents were able to provide him with a very good lifestyle with 3 foriegn holidays a year and everything a child could dream of.. And they're the nicest most giving people I've ever met!!
However since the day ive got with him he has not held down a steady job longer than 6 months, has no qualifications, can't drive and wont learn and has no realistic ambitions to do well or better himself and spends his money in the most selfish and unreasonable ways despite any advice given to him. For example, he'll blow his wages within the first week on a playstation , take aways, games etc. Then he'll be begging me or his parents to lend his money as he's blown his wages and in his overdrafts accuring fees. Ill refuse to lend him money but someone else will (family or mates) or he'll sell his playstation. He'll even blow his food budget and then i have to pay for his meals. He literally gets to the point where he has 0 money and 0 food and three weeks till payday, so if i don't fees him then he would literally starve (well realistically he just goes and raids his parents cupboards at their house. Their not gonna let him starve for 3 week's). Then payday comes around and he does the exact same thing again!! Never learns!!

When we first got together i did overlook this as i realised that i am the other extreme in terms of having a well paid stable job at 22 and i know a lot of young people haven't got their careers and finances together like i did. But i did think that in a few years time he'd have it sorted or at least be working towards some qualifications?? But nope! Instead he has recently lost yet another job and is back on the job hunt. Sighh.. I'm really at my wits end!!

I have however made such a stupid mistake on my part.. After 2 years of being together i made the stupid decision of moving in together and renting a house. I honestly thought us living together would give him some responsibility and a kick up the bum and he'd change. In a way he did.. He no longer walks out of jobs if he doesnt like them and holds them down until he is basically sacked (being late, being on his mobile etc). Again, i really would not expect him to be on anywhere near the same salary as me and him being on minimum wage doesn't bother me.. Its the lack of bloody work ethic and responsibility that grates me!!

All of this really makes me worry about the future.. If i were to become pregnant then i would have no choice but to go back to work full time and not even just because i earn more but because he'd have us down the shitter otherwise.

I have tried everything to help him with his finances.. Making him spreadsheets, taking through his budgets.. At one point i even got his full wage given to me and i split it into 4 weeks and gave him it weekly to stop the impulsive spending but that didnt work as he'd blow the weekly spends that same day and beg for the week afters money due to overdraft fees!!

His parents know exactly how he is and they try and talk to him and kick him into touch but it doesn't work. And why would it? He knows that if he loses his job then ill just pay the bills (i have no choices really do i? Can't let myself get into arrears because of him). And even if i took a stand and didn't pay a bill, i really dont think it would bother him as in his mind worst case scenario is we'd get evicted and just move in with his mum and dad!! They have a nice big ass house with plenty of food and nice things so there would be no punishment or real consequence for him i suppose!

His attitude towards money/work is really turning into a deal breaker and im starting to feel resentful. He has everything growing up and i had nothing. I would have killed for his opportunities but he's not bothered with a single one. Yet i am the one essentially supporting him despite having the poorer start in life. I feel like if anything it should have been the other way around?

Also i must add his siblings are the complete opposite to him and are all working well paid jobs and been to uni, so it can't be his parents spoiling him as the cause?

So why am i with him?? Because every other aspect of our relationship is perfect. He is very loyal and loving. Treats me so well im every other aspect. We both fancy each other loads still and are very connected emotionally. I adore his family, i feel like they're my own and he adores mine.

I can't imagine breaking up with someone purely over money when there are no other issues. It sounds shallow and cold. But at the same time, can you honestly have a long term relationship with marriage and children in the future, with someone who can't/wont hold down a steady job?!

Thanks guys!!

@Appuskidu interesting that you asked as it kind of ties in with what happened tonight.
I had friends over tonight and he turned up unannounced for a 'chat' and brought flowers etc. I told him i had the girls over and he can't show up randomly and he apologised and went away. He then called me later to apologise again and ask for me back again. He calls everyday so far asking to sort things. He's currently back at his parents living off them. His mum has been lovely about it and called to see if i was okay over the weekend. He can't seem to fully accept its over. In his mind the problems can be 'worked through' and arent that bad. I think that's becausw for him they weren't. He had everything he wanted and lived the life he was happy with. From his perspective these issues are hiccups that can be dealt with and worked through. I've 3 explained eveytime that its not working for me and that were just incompatible. I've said I want to remain friends with him and his family.

I honestly believe that although he is goingthrough heartache, he will date again very soon. Once he's dating he'll quickly move on from me romantically.
He has cried a lot. But he doesn't quite get it. As he's a child, the issues seem trivial. Bills? No big deal. Mortgage? Whats the need? No job? I'll just get another. He doesn't feel the responsibilities of life. Therefore the issues we have are not that big of a deal to him. If there not that big of a deal then why is lionsgirl so upset? Why is she making such a big deal? We can easily work through this.

You say that you want to remain friends; that might well not be possible as he obviously still has feelings for you. He obviously sees it as a ‘way in’ to keep in contact with you and keep trying to persuade you that get back with him.
It might be better just to cut contact, at least for a while.

You should just block his number.

I agree with JoJoSM2 he still thinks there's a chance.. you need to go no contact.. him turning up unannounced will also weaken your resolve... and it's really inappropriate

Yep, remaining friends only works if neither of you are particularly fussed about the other one.

In his mind the problems can be 'worked through' and arent that bad. I think that's becausw for him they weren't.

Absolutely. It's so great that you can see it.

Thanks for the update-it's very interesting.

His mum sounds lovely (phoning to see if you were ok etc) but she has done a really crap job at raising her son a functioning adult! Is she aware of this, do you think? Does he have other-more functioning-adults? Is she ashamed of him and think he's lost out on a brilliant potential wife or does she think you're overreacting as well? I'd be interested to know what your/his friends think, too.

To go from wanting a £200 kettle (that was him, wasn't it?) to living back home is quite a change in a few months-most people would feel a bit embarrassed about that?

I know that probably seems really nosy-maybe I've missed my calling in life as a spy (or a curtain twitcher!)!!

Appuskidu, I bet his mother is down that they have not managed to palm him off for mothering to the OP...

OP, seriously, it would really help you move on if you do not to speak to him or his parents. Otherwise, you just keep the interaction going and it messes with your head. And why would you want to be friends with such loser? Find some friends worth having.

To go from wanting a £200 kettle (that was him, wasn't it?) to living back home is quite a change in a few months-most people would feel a bit embarrassed about that?

I think the 200 quid kettle bloke was another poster?

Eek-sorry. I thought you were the OP who was a dentist with the partner who liked the finer things in life. Apologies.

I wonder what happened to that poster?!

You're not grieving for the relationship because you have already done it. You grieved, you analysed, you concluded, you accepted. ANd now you are free.

HE has been hit by a bolt from the blue - imagine a nine year old child who got punished for not acting like an adult! That's how he feels, probaly because he has carefully preserved his childishness behind a wall of massively self centred behaviour.

I wonder what happened to that poster?!

I seem to remember that she dumped him.

Im so pleased for you. You have SO done the right thing. I had a similar partner after my marriage broke up, cocklodger, took no responsibility and expect me to fund everything. I cant believe i put up with it for so long. Never ever again... You have learned much earlier than I , and its a good lesson to learn

Onwards and Upwards for you

Leave him. He's not going to change.

Leave him. He's not going to change.

Have you actually read the thread?

Well done.

I think your therapist was very clever. In making you focus on the love, she got you to see that he didn't love you.

imagine a nine year old child who got punished for not acting like an adult! That's how he feels, probaly because he has carefully preserved his childishness behind a wall of massively self centred behaviour.

This is a really good thing to remember about why he's so upset!

OP I think you need to think carefully about why you ended up with him, what was it that you found attractive about Peter Pan. It's not enough to say you'll only date a man who earns same as you, because you can find overgrown kids who've just managed to luck out in their income levels as well, even if they can pay for stuff, if you still have to be the "Mum" in the relationship, then you'll end up miserable again. (I've met many City Peter Pans who treat paid work like doing their school work, so earn quite well, but still aren't really happy to be adults, expecting someone else to look after them).

You'll end up being the responsible one and in charge of things like having to be the one to sort out which gas supplier you use, or buying the house insurance, to be the one to sort out pensions and mortgages and dull things because they want to spend their free time not thinking about that. You'll be the one who does the cleaning and gardening and all the mental planning for family life, even if they are earning good money - they will still leave the 'adulting' to you.

Well we had a row last night. He called me soon after me posting this thread. Asking why again. Saying he wants to come back to the house. I got a bit pissed off i can't deny it. So quick story short i said 'okay you can come back. But first you must tell mr your plan. When i get pregnant, how are you going to support me and a baby whilst I'm on maternity? You have no money now so how will you support 2 people? I may go back part time. How will you support us?
Another thing. I want to buy a house next year. That means you need to stay in your current job for the next 6 months for proof of earnings. Can you promise me that? Otherwise you can't get a mortgage. Oh and I want to go on honeymoon to hawaii and Florida. Can you afford that? Oh and let's not forget, you want to move out of the city. You'll need to learn to drive for work in that case. When will that be? If were buying next year then you'll need your license.'
I can't lie. By this point i was angry. The resentment came up as i was asking him these things.
His response? 'like i said, i don't want kids for a long time yet. I don't want to talk about and stress about the future. It's boring! This conversation is boring! I now remember you constantly nagging so thank you for having a go at me! Goodnight!'
So there we have it. My point proven. Although i was fuming after the call. So pissed off. He's such a child i can't stand it.

Appuskidu - his mum doesnt get quite get it. I think she expected me to 'look after' him in a sense as all 'adult' conversations are aimed at me not him. She thinks of him as more 'happy go lucky' than an irresponsible man child. I don't think she sees just how bad it is. His dad gets it though. But still thinks he's young enough to change.

@invisiblekittenattack that is a very good point for me to consider. I do want someone equal in 'adulting' or theres no point. Perhaps someone in a similar profession to myself. Although i can't stand the thought of being with anyone right now!! I cannot be arsed to go through any mental of emotional dramas again. I may just get a cat and have done!!
I've almost booked my diary up until Christmas now with my friends!! I'm going to keep busy and focused on enjoying life again.

I think your all right and i need to cut ties. There are still some things he needs to move out. Furniture and bits and bobs. Im still too poorly to sort it though and i know he won't unless i push him too. The furniture is too big for my car and i refuse to pay delivery costs. I think i may leave it for a week or two. Then I'll be 100% physically so able to sort it.

I would honestly stop engaging with him-stop answering the phone. He just sounds like a pain in the neck now!

I also apologise for all the typos! This whole thread has been done via my mobile!

He’s been enabled by his parents; it sounds like you’re the first person he’s encountered to say ‘no’ to him. He can’t handle it, but that’s not your problem.
I’d block him, at least temporarily.

Yeah, I would block his number and just not engage. He doesn't get it and he never will.

I'd tell him that he has to arrange for the stuff to be collected, his parents can pay for a man and a van and that's it. done.

I don't think you should allow this to hang over you any longer. I wonder if this is what is exacerbating your lingering illness?

meant to say, you are an amazing young woman, you have the world at your feet, and to learn never to settle for anyone who doesn't cut the mustard at your age is a valuable lesson indeed.

keep dreaming big, you will have it all and more, of this I have NO doubt.

Lion well done you for making this hard decision. Don't waver EVER. (Also have to say, his parents might be lovely but by god they are stupid stupid stupid enabling their manchild like this.)

I want to tell you a quick story, will try and keep it brief. Your post at the start was just like my friend, but 30 years ago. She fell in love with her DP, difference is she married him. She was a career girl and she loved his free spirit. Within a couple of years of marriage, he basically stopped working. He'd dabble at this and that but nothing much, he just liked spending money but not working for it. Why should he when he had her? She rose the corporate ladder and became remarkably successful. They had 2 DCs.

She wavered after about 15 years of marriage and she was close to leaving him. He was lazy and wouldn't work. Then he got a brain tumour and her plans to leave were out the window. Outlook was bleak and only expected to live for another year. He dealt with treatment and lived for another 8 years, even the doctors were amazed, the stress on her was enormous, she needed to earn money but also look after him. Their parenting went to shit because of his illness (understandably sort of). The DCs then young teens became entitled and brattish as her way of coping was to throw money at them. (again this is understandable but it didn't half store up problems for the future).

He passed away 5 years ago and she is a complete mess now. This savvy strong capable career girl is dealing with the repurcussions of what she went through, the DCs one in particular has huge problems, won't stick at anything, my friend put on a huge amount of weight, had breakdowns, is barely holding it together. She told me last week in tears that she is grieving what her life could've been.

I admire her for sticking with him when he was diagnosed but marrying her 'free spirit' in the first place was the wrong decision. He lived off her, he spent huge amounts of money on crap, would only have the very best in anything, she used to beg him to get a job and do something. He never did. Then illness struck.

Lion I wish you luck in your new life.