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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm second best to my boyfriends bong!

110 replies

Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 20:10

Hi I am new to this forum stuff so I hope I don't rant. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and everything is going great apart from one thing, his excessive cannabis use!!

We are both 27. I'm an open minded girl and I knew that 'G' smoked cannabis before we got together, he was very open about it. He says it helps him to relax and clear his mind after work.

We live separately but I am round his most nights, I think he prefers being at his house because I don't let him use cannabis at mine.

So I don't have a problem with people using cannabis, as far drugs go I think it's relatively safe. The problem I do have is the excessive amount 'G' consumes. It's constant, he even does it before work. We go to my parents and he will smoke just before we leave. We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned.

I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, I did know but I didn't think it would affect our relationship in a negative way, as I have dated guys in the past that smoke weed.

I really do love 'G' and I am really torn. On the one hand I can see a future with this man, he is so loving and caring, funny, intelligent, and he has a good career. On the other hand I look at him sometimes and just see a stoner, who loves weed more than me!

Please, tell me the truth, am I being selfish? If not how can I change his behaviour? I know he loves me and I think he could change but how do I approach this situation without starting an arguement?

J x

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 10/08/2017 20:11

I can "see your future with this man" and it looks like shit

morecynicalthanVimes · 10/08/2017 20:15

He's an addict, he doesn't want to change, and you're already unhappy eight months in. Theres nothing you can do... Except end it.

Seriously, what are you hoping we can offer you? Unfortunately there aren't any magic words. You've told him it bothers you, you've asked him to smoke less, and he's telling you directly he doesn't care and won't stop.

That's it. He's telling you directly, you live with him as he is or you can go. It's hard enough for an addict to change long-term when they acknowledge they have a problem and actively want to change. He does neither.

thestamp · 10/08/2017 20:15

Do not try to change him. Walk away.

In the nicest possible way, you do not have the right to see this guy as an improvement project for you to complete. Or a problem to be solved. He's a person and he's allowed to be who he chooses to be.

It's incredibly shit to start dating someone when you know they have a certain habit, and then turn around once the feelings have deepened tell them that actually you want them to change. That's no way to conduct a relationship between two adults.

You say he has a job and is a nice person etc, and that he doesn't want to change, so why do you feel you have the right to tell him to?

Walk away and find someone who meets your needs without you having to change them...

LastOneDancing · 10/08/2017 20:15

He sounds incredibly boring.

No you're not selfish to expect more from your relationship but you can't mold another human to be what you want! He told you he isn't willing to change - listen to what he's telling you.

ImperialBlether · 10/08/2017 20:15

I agree with AF.

Who the hell wants a relationship with a stoner? Come on, OP - you can do better than this! Tell him to do one - he might cry for a while, but hey, his bong will soon cheer him up.

snackarella · 10/08/2017 20:17

Deffo a waste of time - I had a bf like this, he even used to wake in the middle of the night to do it . No real good can come of it if you're honest with yourself x

Haffdonga · 10/08/2017 20:20

Your own title says it all. Is being second best good enough for you?

QuietNinjaTardis · 10/08/2017 20:23

Like any addict, you will always be second.

Toriamayrose · 10/08/2017 20:25

You need to just be honest with him & tell him how u feel about him smoking & what u feel its doing to your relationship etc, its up to him then if & what he decides to do about it & if its nothing or he isn't interested in discussing it with u, then its up to u to decide if its something your willing to accept things the way they are & can move forward & not keep fetching it up with him as that will eventually just wear down the relationship, just a suggestion but u could also try mixing it up abit & see if he's willing to try different activities together to unwind after work swimming, a walk, board games help keep his mind off of having a smoke

averylongtimeago · 10/08/2017 20:33

He has shown you the future. You will always be second best.
Is this what you want for your life?

Thought not.

BobbinThreadbare123 · 10/08/2017 20:37

I had a friend like this. Dull as ditchwater on the wacky stuff, and then went into a cannabis induced psychosis. He said some very nasty things to me and I cut him out of my life. I'd get rid, if I were you, OP. You will clearly always come second best to the bong (he can't even be arsed at only 8 months?!) His lovely career etc may well come to a halt when the weed catches up with him or he makes a mistake. Life's too short to put up with this kind of idiot.

mistermagpie · 10/08/2017 20:37

He sounds awful. Cut your losses while it's still early days. My friend is married to a guy like G, she hoped he would change, he hasn't, she is miserable and he is the same boring stoner he always was.

piglover · 10/08/2017 20:38

Dump the boring pot-head now!

0hCrepe · 10/08/2017 20:40

Give up the hope, seriously!
Next time choose a man you like just as he is, not for what he could be if he changed.

Summerswallow · 10/08/2017 20:41

He just doesn't want to change. There's nothing you can say. He likes living like this. He's unlikely to change at all. I would leave, it wouldn't be for me at all.

GreenTulips · 10/08/2017 20:43

My EX was like this to a smaller degree - they don't change - just sit there stoned and 'useless'

Walk away

Ceebs85 · 10/08/2017 20:47

You're not selfish, but it's impossible to change him. If you can't see a future with him whilst he's smoking weed constantly then there isn't a future for you.

He sounds dull. Get out now and find someone who makes you top of his list.

PastysPrincess · 10/08/2017 20:47

Has a good job till he has a random drugs test and gets the sack.

user1499786242 · 10/08/2017 20:48

Run.... fast

Angeldt · 10/08/2017 20:50

I'm afraid he'd be too ' chilled ' for me. He's never likely to really engage with you because his brain is never really engaged ! Fast forward yourself a few years and see where you'd like to be - where do you think he will be ? Try 5 years and maybe you'd like to be thinking about children, if they are with him then he's probably going to be doing it in their presence - is that still acceptable ?

imjessie · 10/08/2017 20:56

Bin him!!!

anxiousnow · 10/08/2017 21:02

Does he have any children OP? Just wondering if he stops smoking when he has them or does he stop.for nothing and no one?

ILoveMillhousesDad · 10/08/2017 21:03

Do you see kids in your future together? How much do you think he would help out with that after a big fuck off bong?

Get rid. You've already invested too much.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 10/08/2017 21:07

Apparently cannabis has been linked with male infertility (-research at QUB) so may not be able to become a parent.

The7thMaude · 10/08/2017 21:33

I used to be like catnip to stoners back when I was in my teens and twenties. Some were nice guys but all the dope causes at best inertia and at worst serious mental health issues not to mention the expense and the stink. One is still at it, has serious personal issues and emotional problems another ex did finally give it up but only after a period of prolonged depression in his 20's. He is now starting his phd at 42 and I'm sure he will make someone a great partner in future but if I'd stayed with him my life would have been on hold for 15 years while he sorted himself out and I just couldn't do it, left and met someone great who never touched the stuff.

Not many make the turn around once they get that far into it so I'd think seriously about making the break.