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Original poster

I'm second best to my boyfriends bong!

110 replies

Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 20:10

Hi I am new to this forum stuff so I hope I don't rant. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and everything is going great apart from one thing, his excessive cannabis use!!

We are both 27. I'm an open minded girl and I knew that 'G' smoked cannabis before we got together, he was very open about it. He says it helps him to relax and clear his mind after work.

We live separately but I am round his most nights, I think he prefers being at his house because I don't let him use cannabis at mine.

So I don't have a problem with people using cannabis, as far drugs go I think it's relatively safe. The problem I do have is the excessive amount 'G' consumes. It's constant, he even does it before work. We go to my parents and he will smoke just before we leave. We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned.

I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, I did know but I didn't think it would affect our relationship in a negative way, as I have dated guys in the past that smoke weed.

I really do love 'G' and I am really torn. On the one hand I can see a future with this man, he is so loving and caring, funny, intelligent, and he has a good career. On the other hand I look at him sometimes and just see a stoner, who loves weed more than me!

Please, tell me the truth, am I being selfish? If not how can I change his behaviour? I know he loves me and I think he could change but how do I approach this situation without starting an arguement?

J x

OP posts:
abigailgabble · 12/08/2017 08:50

do. not. try. to. change. him.

it will not work, it will lead to resentments. sorry i know it's tough but this relationship is dead in the water. be thankful you don't have kids or finances together and chuck him before you do.

shinysinkredemption · 12/08/2017 08:52

You need to put yourself first.
Everyone saying don't bother trying to change him is 1000% correct. Please listen.
Imagine having a daughter in your situation, what would you want her to do?

shinysinkredemption · 12/08/2017 08:55

As for him not seeing it coming, you could give him an ultimatum but I think you already know what he'd choose to do. The world is huge and you are bound to meet someone more suited to you, just as he could do with finding someone who shares his biggest passion i.e. zoning out of real life.

RedStripeLassi · 12/08/2017 09:01

Ok, so it's tough and it gets tougher.

Maybe a few months down the line and supply is low or his life takes an unexpected bad turn line life does. He slides into a silent moody depression and you start to ramp up the 'looking after him/manageing him' a gear. You lose sight of it being his problem and not yours. He allows you to take on his problems like they're your own and you start neglecting your own life and friendships to support him.

Maybe a few years later. He was once a fun, interesting man with line minded friends but they've all grown up and only smoke weed when they come and stay with you because it's not something they do all day anymore but your dp still does. His friends get on with their adult lives and start seeing you guys less so he forms a weird 'friendship' group that's based around a few people that have nothin but weed in common.

Maybe you have a child and when he comes into hospital late the next day with red eyes and a silent stare it hits you in the pit of your stomach that he's not going to be like the other devoted dads that we're literally begging the midwives to let them stay over. You are ringing begging him to come in.

You get home and over the next few weeks the stress of parenting turns him even worse and your exhausted because you can't trust him to be with it enough to care for you child at night.

It's been shit honestly at times.

(To anyone sound strange that I put all that as I split and then got back with him but time will tell. He's still a weed smoker but far less than before).

Op. It's your choice but looking back if I'd known how frustrating, scary and dissapointing it's been at times I wouldn't see a stoner as so harmless.

thatdearoctopus · 12/08/2017 10:50

And anyway, what a saddo, needing weed before being able to participate in basic life.

Please move in. You can do much better than him.

MissBax · 12/08/2017 11:39

He's been pretty straight forward with you - it's part of his life and he isn't planning to change. If you don't like it you've got to end it or be forever miserable.

wotabastard · 12/08/2017 14:31

Do you like travelling OP? Nice romantic break abroad? Honeymoon? Family holidays? Going away for a fortnight somewhere nice and warm? Good luck peeling him away from the couch and getting him on a plane unless he's the type to actually try to smuggle weed through customs to get his fix on hols. Can you imagine how you'd feel in either of those circumstances?
A: never ever being able to go on holiday with him because he won't have his bong on hand.
B: getting busted at the airport by the sniffer dogs...

Run! Run far away!

another20 · 22/08/2017 10:20

Fury - how are you doing?

Offred · 22/08/2017 10:37

I think you are very naive about weed TBH.

People who use substances (including alcohol) to cope with normal life (I.e. To 'relax') are dysfunctional people.

That is before you even get onto all the negatives associated specifically with long term heavy use of cannabis itself.

I'm not sure why you are keen to see tolerating drug use as 'open minded', what you are really doing is saying you accept drug use and then being annoyed at him using drugs. You can't decide to be permissive and then decide you aren't.

Throw this one back, you don't know him because he's never been sober around you. And readjust this idea that you are 'open minded'. This is not what open minded means, this is actually just getting you into unsuitable relationships.

It's ok to want a boyfriend who is able to cope with adult life without drugs.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 14:38

First off, smoking weed doesn't necessarily make you dull, a waster or a horrible person; I know plenty, all in good high flying jobs and can operate quite successfully through life; I hate all that stereotypical crap about being a stoner, not always the case and you can't always see it either, much like alcohol.

But, he smokes excessively, he's well used to it now, he doesn't want to give it up so trying to make him is pointless; he's not doing it to piss you off, he's doing it as it's part of his normal regime.

You either have to accept him, weaknesses and all or decide it's not for you.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 14:39

People who use substances (including alcohol) to cope with normal life (I.e. To 'relax') are dysfunctional people.

No they are not, they are normal people like me and you.

chips4teaplease · 22/08/2017 14:40

Stop fooling yourself. His drug habit is what matters to him. Walk away.

Offred · 22/08/2017 14:49

Just because it is a common maladaptive coping mechanism for people who lack coping skills doesn't mean they are not dysfunctional people.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 14:55

It's human nature to have bad habits, some worse than others, doesn't make you dysfunctional, makes you human!

Heratnumber7 · 22/08/2017 14:56

We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned

If you're serious, this would do it for me.

How do you know you like your bf? If he's constantly stoned, you're not seeing his real personality, just the drugged up version of it.

Leave him.

Offred · 22/08/2017 15:01

Not being able to cope without drugs is not a 'bad habit'.

Taking drugs can be a 'bad habit' but not being able to cope without them is dysfunction.

It is common for people to only see dysfunction when the lack of ability to cope with life without drugs results in actual harm or loss but that is far too late and leads to misidentification of the real problem. It's not smoking weed which is the real problem for example, it's his inability to cope with life without drugs. Switching from weed to alcohol/cocaine/benzos/heroin wouldn't make the problem go away. Only switching the maladaptive coping mechanism (relying on drugs) for more healthy ones results in improvement.

Desmondo2016 · 22/08/2017 15:07

He literally won't give a fuck if you end it. He'll just roll a joint and get fucked.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 15:10

Alcohol is a drug and is freely available, the day everyone stops drinking because they realise it's dysfunctional will be the day my jaw drops off.

How do you know he couldn't cope with life without his weed, you don't, he could manage perfectly well actually, a lot of it is down to having it available and thinking you need it, if weed and alcohol was taken away I am sure we would not all crumble into a dysfunctional mess, maybe to begin with, because we are so used to it.

I've yet to meet a human being who hasn't and doesn't medicate themselves from life with alcohol, it's normal to want to escape from how shit life can be at times; the issue here is not how shit he is, it's about the OP being unable to accept his ways; which, as he has said, she knew about beforehand.

Offred · 22/08/2017 15:19

Yes, that's why I said (including alcohol).

I'm not sure what your point about the unhealthy attitude towards drinking alcohol we have in Britain adds other than further normalising dysfunctional relationships with drugs.

So what if everyone you know drinks/takes drugs to 'escape life'? All that tells me is you have normalised having a dysfunctional relationship with drugs...

It says nothing about whether or not it is dysfunctional to not be able to cope without drugs.

As for specifically what says to me this guy can't cope without drugs? The op's posts about how he can't do anything (work, relationship, shopping etc) without drugs...

You could look at the negative effects of this particular drug of his choice but the real issue is that he can't do any part of his life without weed which is about as bad a drug problem as you can get. He may not have felt consequences yet but it's warped to say the moment he gets stopped and drug tested by the police and loses his licence or job is the moment it becomes a problem. It's the fact he can't do anything without drugs that is the problem.

Branleuse · 22/08/2017 15:21

So what you want, is for him to change. You dont want to walk away, yet you dont want him to smoke weed. He doesnt want to stop smoking weed. He manages to hold down a decent job and you said your relationship is otherwise really good. I think youre at a stalemate.

FeedMeAndTellMeImPretty · 22/08/2017 15:21

Adora plenty of people don't drink and certainly most don't drink every day, on waking up, before bed, just before going to the supermarket, before visiting family etc. This level of reliance on any substance is dysfunctional like it or not.

Personally I see all the mum memes about needing wine and gin to make it though the day and feel really uncomfortable about all these people essentially admitting to a substance abuse problem without realising how it looks to others.

OP ditch him. Just because you've given him this long doesn't mean you're stuck. Move on and find someone who can make it through a trip to Tesco without mind altering substances.

somewheresomehow · 22/08/2017 15:50

Ditch him !
the weed will always win

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 16:02

Offred, I think you are being very naïve if you think most of the population do not use at least alcohol on a regular basis; they are not all dysfunctional people otherwise they'd not be able to hold down a job, run a nice home, car, care for family, I could go on and on; my point is that MOST of us have used it, are using it and will continue to use it, it doesn't make us dysfunctional; that indicates to me that you are not capable of making things work. I am not normalising anything.

Fluffypinkpyjamas · 22/08/2017 16:05

I can "see your future with this man" and it looks like shit

As always I agree with AF Find a decent man Op, not a skanky dopehead.

Adora10 · 22/08/2017 16:06

Adora plenty of people don't drink

Not in my experience, a few don't.

I am not saying what he is doing is right and he is heavily dependant, it still doesn't mean he can't function; there are loads of folk using weed and it does not impair them to that point.

I'm pretty sure he can make it to a supermarket without being stoned; he's normalised it because he's being using it for so long, it's part of his every day habit.

As for mind altering, it's a splif, hardly going to be an acid trip for him.