I'm second best to my boyfriends bong!

[Furyfeminist]

Hi I am new to this forum stuff so I hope I don't rant. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and everything is going great apart from one thing, his excessive cannabis use!!

We are both 27. I'm an open minded girl and I knew that 'G' smoked cannabis before we got together, he was very open about it. He says it helps him to relax and clear his mind after work.

We live separately but I am round his most nights, I think he prefers being at his house because I don't let him use cannabis at mine.

So I don't have a problem with people using cannabis, as far drugs go I think it's relatively safe. The problem I do have is the excessive amount 'G' consumes. It's constant, he even does it before work. We go to my parents and he will smoke just before we leave. We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned.

I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, I did know but I didn't think it would affect our relationship in a negative way, as I have dated guys in the past that smoke weed.

I really do love 'G' and I am really torn. On the one hand I can see a future with this man, he is so loving and caring, funny, intelligent, and he has a good career. On the other hand I look at him sometimes and just see a stoner, who loves weed more than me!

Please, tell me the truth, am I being selfish? If not how can I change his behaviour? I know he loves me and I think he could change but how do I approach this situation without starting an arguement?

J x

I didn't say it is not common. In fact I said it is common.

I said something being common (or your normal experience) isn't the measure of whether it is dysfunctional or not.

And you can't have both 'escape from reality' and 'not mind altering'.

If it is not mind altering then it wouldn't have the effect of escaping you from reality would it?

The fact that people can very frequently function whilst being dysfunctional people is not the issue.

The issue is whether being in a relationship with someone who is dysfunctional is a good idea.

I said something being common (or your normal experience) isn't the measure of whether it is dysfunctional or not.

Erm, this was my whole point?

Also, there are plenty of dysfunctional people out there, regardless of what substance they use, or not.

And you can't have both 'escape from reality' and 'not mind altering'.

Sometimes the escape is better than reality, still doesn't make you dysfunctional. One glass of wine can alter your reality.

I do take your points and I am digesting as I go.

What I'm not clear on is where you believe I said I think there aren't a great number of people who have a dysfunctional relationship with the world such that they rely on maladaptive coping mechanisms such as drugs?

Britain has a culture of dysfunction in relation to alcohol. The vast majority of people who drink have a dysfunctional relationship with alcohol.

You seem to be implying that if most people do it is no longer dysfunction... which is weird...

No I am not implying that, I simply take offence at the word dysfunctional as to me that word signifies a total breakdown and inability to function.

That is not what dysfunctional means though. Dysfunctional means not functioning adequately. Not completely broken down.

There is a HUGE gap between completely non-functioning (what you are attributing to the word dysfunctional) and functioning well which is covered by dysfunctional. Within this are degrees such as severely dysfunctional (just barely functioning), minor dysfunction (not optimal) etc

People who rely on maladaptive coping mechanisms often don't like it being called dysfunction because that then means they should do something about it but without acknowledging the dysfunction it is hard to develop better coping mechanisms.

I have dysfunctional relationships with prescription opiates and alcohol. I know how I relate to those two things is dysfunctional, which helps me to know that I need refuse prescriptions for opiates if offered and if I take them be careful to set proper boundaries (not ever taking them to 'take the edge off'). Same with alcohol, I am aware I should not buy it because if I do I will drink it in a dysfunctional way.

If I thought it was perfectly fine to cope with life by taking co-dydramol to 'take the edge off', needed co-dydramol to go shopping and to work and was annoyed at the suggestion that I should do those things without taking co-dydramol because 'you knew I was like this when you met me' I'd be a dysfunctional person (with a drug dependency).

Dysfunctional because i felt in order to function adequately I needed codydramol.

How can I change his behaviour?

You cannot. Only he can change his behaviour and he is showing no sign that he has ANY inclination to do so.

He is showing you who he is.
You can either decide that that is who you love and want to share your life with.
Or you don't.

Up to you.