Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

I'm second best to my boyfriends bong!

110 replies

Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 20:10

Hi I am new to this forum stuff so I hope I don't rant. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and everything is going great apart from one thing, his excessive cannabis use!!

We are both 27. I'm an open minded girl and I knew that 'G' smoked cannabis before we got together, he was very open about it. He says it helps him to relax and clear his mind after work.

We live separately but I am round his most nights, I think he prefers being at his house because I don't let him use cannabis at mine.

So I don't have a problem with people using cannabis, as far drugs go I think it's relatively safe. The problem I do have is the excessive amount 'G' consumes. It's constant, he even does it before work. We go to my parents and he will smoke just before we leave. We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned.

I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, I did know but I didn't think it would affect our relationship in a negative way, as I have dated guys in the past that smoke weed.

I really do love 'G' and I am really torn. On the one hand I can see a future with this man, he is so loving and caring, funny, intelligent, and he has a good career. On the other hand I look at him sometimes and just see a stoner, who loves weed more than me!

Please, tell me the truth, am I being selfish? If not how can I change his behaviour? I know he loves me and I think he could change but how do I approach this situation without starting an arguement?

J x

OP posts:
AttilaTheMeerkat · 10/08/2017 21:34

"I think he could change"

Five words that are really the start of your downfall into the pit you have partially dug for your own self. He was also never also your pet project to fix up, rescue or save.

There is no future for you with this person; he is addicted to cannabis and that comes first.

What did you learn about relationships when growing up?.
Why are you with yet someone else who smokes weed; do you not think you deserve more than a pot smoker to date?. Why is your bar so very low here?.

golfin · 10/08/2017 21:43

Have you adjusted to the fact that he stinks, have you stopped noticing?

Original poster
Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 21:45

Wow! Thanks for all the quick responses and all the support, I didn't expect that :)

I think I made him sound dull when he actually isn't. We often go on dates together and with friends and we love dog walking and being in nature. So no he isn't dull, he's just stoned!

It's just the fact that he doesn't put me first which is really important to me in a relationship. Maybe I'm in denial about our future after reading your comments. He doesn't have any children but he says he wants kids in the future, but what kind of an example would he set as a father?

I'd really like to work this through with him and support him. I don't want to be 'that girl' that 'dumped me just because I like weed'. I want to understand but I don't have any experience in this subject as I have never dealt with addiction myself.

J x

OP posts:
golfin · 10/08/2017 21:54

There's a regular poster on here with a child who lives with a weed user, her life is rubbish, her child's life is rubbish and she has no self awareness whatsoever, don't go there OP.

Make a better decision while you have the chance.

Original poster
Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 21:54

It's like I said I have dated weed smokers and not had a problem with it. And when it ended it was never anything to do with weed, we just drifted apart. I don't go looking for people like that, you can't turn love on or off it just happens!

Generally, I don't have a problem with peolpe using weed, it's their life and like I said I think there are worse things out there.

Everywhere I look people are saying the same things - he will never change, he's a wasted etc. But I see him as more than that, I'm finding it hard to get over my love for him when he treats me so well in every other way. He's going to be destroyed if I leave him and he won't even see it coming. I'm worried what it might do to his mind. :(

J x

OP posts:
thestamp · 10/08/2017 21:55

I'd really like to work this through with him and support him. I don't want to be 'that girl' that 'dumped me just because I like weed'.

Oh lord. Ok well it's your bed you're making here.

Just to be clear, you are going to regret indulging your Messiah complex. Bitterly regret.

I suggest you go to an Al-Anon group or read up on codependency so that you can get a taste of how completely you'll be ruining your life. Good luck you will need it

thestamp · 10/08/2017 21:56

"you can't turn love on and off"

You do know that feeling love for someone isn't actually a sign that you should be with them, right? Or that they are good for you?

Wolfiefan · 10/08/2017 21:57

He's dependant on dope.
He won't stop unless he chooses.
You deserve much better. Dump the dope head. His life and choices are not your responsibility.
Don't date people who smoke dope in future.

NachoAddict · 10/08/2017 21:58

He will never change, trust me I wasted yeats of my life playing second fiddle to a plant. Leave now before you are stuck with him.

GreenTulips · 10/08/2017 22:08

I'm worried what it might do to his mind

He'll just get stoned and won't notice you've gone

numbmum83 · 10/08/2017 22:31

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PickAChew · 10/08/2017 22:41

You're dreaming of the man you want him to be.

Seriously, you've said you won't have him smoking at your house, so he never goes to yours. How the hell will you have a future where you can live together? He's unlikely to give it up for you. You're his bit on the side.

If you believe he's as in love as you are and he's that determined to eventually make the right choice (ie you) then leave him and tell him he's welcome back when his stoned-life balance is healthier.

CockacidalManiac · 10/08/2017 23:41

He's an addict. Stop trying to save addicts.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 10/08/2017 23:51

He doesn't want to change! He's happy as he is.

How about you stop going over to his place? Say he needs to come to yours. You'll soon find out what he values more. You already know the answer of course.

Eight months, you've discovered that you don't like being with someone so dependent, so you move on. Normal.

disneydatknee · 11/08/2017 01:26

When I met my OH I knew he smoked a bit of weed. Never around me. And I didn't think much of it. After 2 years, we decided to move in together (also with my 4 yr old from a previous relationship). About a month before I was due to move in, he told me that actually he had been smoking it for last 10 years. He would come in from night shift and smoke 2 whole joints and fall asleep. Every day. And was completely addicted. He had never admitted to himself of anyone else that he had an addiction. But he realised if I was going to move my child in, he had to be honest. We had a long talk about it and literally the next day he quit. I've lived here now for 4 years and he hasn't touched the stuff since. He wasted so much of his life never sticking to plans because he would rather get stoned. He's so much happier now. BUT. He acknowledged he had a problem and did something about it. So it's not a complete cop out, going out with a stoner. They can change. But with any addiction, they won't change until they realise that they have a problem. Your bf clearly doesn't think he has a problem but he does. He's a functioning addict. Or at least he thinks he is. Unless he is willing to admit he has a problem then there's no hope for you. You can't have a future with this man. I would have a frank discussion with him about where he thinks this relationship is going. If he can't give up the weed then he doesn't get a future with you. Don't waste your time.

0hCrepe · 11/08/2017 05:57

There is nothing wrong with being the girl that dumped him because he likes weed. It's showing that that lifestyle is not what you're looking for in a relationship. He'd be better with a fellow smoker.

PopcornNRedwine · 11/08/2017 06:47

OP. Someone else's happiness and state of mind isn't your responsibility.

Now, when I was your age (and that wasn't that long ago). I dated a guy who had other "addictions". It wasn't weed. But it was seen as something harmless. And I thought "well there's no harm. I don't use it. He can if he likes. Why not?"

Until, it became - we couldn't stay at my house because he couldn't do it whenever he wanted and didn't have access to it
We didn't go out because he needed to use first
We couldn't afford to (which turned into "Popcorn, you can't afford that...I need money for " and I was a mug) do much of anything

And so, we didn't do anything and couldn't afford to do anything because he always had done and I knew that and I was being silly in trying to change him.

Except it changed me in the process. I finally saw the light and left him. But please don't get tied to this dead weight. You are young and should be able to have all the possibilities in front of you. And have someone that can grow up for you.

Aussiebean · 11/08/2017 07:18

You think he can change... why would he? YOU think there is a problem but he certainly doesn't. He see no problem what so ever with his usage so why would he change?

You want to support him to change. BUT he sees not point in changing and doesn't see the problem.

It's like you have already decided you will support him to change, BUT he hasn't had this conversation with you.

You don't want to be 'that girlfriend ' why not? What is wrong with being someone that doesn't want drugs to be a huge part of their lives?

You could just say, you want different things out of life instead. You want to raise your children with a partner who isn't stoned. He is happy to be responsible for his children while off his head.

See? You want different things

Calyx72 · 11/08/2017 07:29

I agree with thestamp - go to an alanon meeting or at least get some of their literature please.

You have an addiction and it's him. You're worried about what will happen to him if you leave and you don't mind what's going on with you while you waste your life waiting for him to be present and not stoned. Dog walking and a date are crumbs not a meal.

I wasted ten years of my life like this. I am now (after two years alone building self love and self esteem) three years into my relationship with DP who is amazing. We want a baby but I'm 45 nearly 46 and it's just not happening.

Don't waste your life like I did Flowers

Calyx72 · 11/08/2017 07:31

Popcorn said it too. Please listen! You don't have to be nasty just make it clear you love him but are not prepared to put up with this then distance yourself (completely) for your own sake.

annandale · 11/08/2017 07:44

You don't want to be the girl who dumps him because he smokes weed. Why not? Is that an uncool girl or something? In the end you have to make choices and you can't avoid sometimes making moral or practical judgments. There are people who will sneer at you for that. There isn't a way around it to be approved of by everyone.

Afraid you had me at him getting stoned before work. What the hell kind of job does he have and for how long?

If you enjoy spending time going for walks with him, fine, but you can do that with a friend tbh.

BackInTheRoom · 11/08/2017 07:45

So presumably you're communicating with a stoner most nights? Then you're not dealing with the real him? How bizarre? If he gave up the gange, do you think you'd get on?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/08/2017 07:57

"I want to understand but I don't have any experience in this subject as I have never dealt with addiction myself".

That is all too clear from what you are writing as well; you perhaps think on some base level that your love will help rescue him and show him what is to you a better life. I would also read up on codependency within relationships and talktofrank.com regarding cannabis (because your own knowledge of that is next to nothing either).

Also as his girlfriend you are woefully underqualified to help him; infact all you are doing here is simply enabling him. You don't want him around at yours but you willingly go to his house and see him use it there. Can you not see how messed up this all is? Its his crutch, he is using this to function at all. Dog walking and being in nature are all free activities and are mere crumbs; that is probably also because most if not all his cash is going on cannabis.

Why have you settled for so little?. That answer lies within you really.

ShatnersWig · 11/08/2017 08:00

The truth? OK....

Are you being selfish? No.
Are you being stupid? Yes - unless you end this sad state of affairs you're passing off as a relationship.

Crispsheets · 11/08/2017 08:03

What a wanker he is.