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Original poster

I'm second best to my boyfriends bong!

110 replies

Furyfeminist · 10/08/2017 20:10

Hi I am new to this forum stuff so I hope I don't rant. My boyfriend and I have been together for about 8 months and everything is going great apart from one thing, his excessive cannabis use!!

We are both 27. I'm an open minded girl and I knew that 'G' smoked cannabis before we got together, he was very open about it. He says it helps him to relax and clear his mind after work.

We live separately but I am round his most nights, I think he prefers being at his house because I don't let him use cannabis at mine.

So I don't have a problem with people using cannabis, as far drugs go I think it's relatively safe. The problem I do have is the excessive amount 'G' consumes. It's constant, he even does it before work. We go to my parents and he will smoke just before we leave. We can't even go to the super market if he isn't stoned.

I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes.

Yes, I did know but I didn't think it would affect our relationship in a negative way, as I have dated guys in the past that smoke weed.

I really do love 'G' and I am really torn. On the one hand I can see a future with this man, he is so loving and caring, funny, intelligent, and he has a good career. On the other hand I look at him sometimes and just see a stoner, who loves weed more than me!

Please, tell me the truth, am I being selfish? If not how can I change his behaviour? I know he loves me and I think he could change but how do I approach this situation without starting an arguement?

J x

OP posts:
user1457213512 · 11/08/2017 08:10

Well if you really want to be with him then you've got to put the feelings about the weed aside. You should never ever try and change a person; you either like them for who they are, or you don't.

You sound like your minds pretty made up that you want to stay with him so I don't really know what you're asking. We don't have a magic wand to make him say, oh yes I'll put you before weed now.

WhatALoadOfOldBollocks · 11/08/2017 08:12

I'd really like to work this through with him and support him

He doesn't need or want your support because he doesn't, in his eyes, have a problem. If you stop being so accomodating and always going to his, and do an even split of staying at yours and his, then I think you'll soon get even more fed up. You have no future if you can't share a house together because he wants the bong and you don't. He doesn't want to change so that's the end of the argument.

Over the years I wasted time trying to make less than ideal relationships work (what a waste of life!) and here's my 2p worth...put your wants and needs first. Sod worrying that other people might think you're "uncool" for not tolerating a behaviour. Stop worrying about how a partner will cope if you end a relationship. Stop being so tolerant, stop trying to be so understanding, start making demands that he comes to yours (without his bong!), stop thinking you can mould someone into the person you want. You can love someone but, as PPs have said, love doesn't conquer all. Don't waste years of your life on unsuitable men; you've only got one life. Time is precious, so value yours more.

FrogsSitonLogs · 11/08/2017 08:21

Yes you'll be the one to change him, unlike all those others that failed, you'll somehow be different.

Only you won't. You cannot change him, he doesn't want to change. Why do you want a long term relationship with a stoner? And for gods sake do not bring any children in to this. How do you think they'll feel when he prioritises weed over them? Or you're short of money because he's spent it on weed. Because he will. Good luck with that, as that's the reality.

Isetan · 11/08/2017 09:12

This is who he is, there isn't a parallel universe where he's different. He sold himself as a recreational drug user, which apparently you're ok with but he's turned out to be an addict, which you need to decide if you're ok with too.

If you're not ok with being in a relationship with an addict, then don't be in a relationship with one. As for leaving him having a detrimental effect on his mh, seriously? Long term cannabis use has probably done that already.and his mh is his responsibility, not yours.

Make all the excuses you want but it won't change him or your situation, the balls in your court because he's repeatedly made it clear that he prefers the status quo.

SongforSal · 11/08/2017 09:27

My Dp smokes weed sometimes. Sometimes it bothers me, others times not so much. It doesn't 'stop' him from getting on with things. He has a decent job....we definitely do not have a bong though! I have one sometimes, especially if I have to spend several hrs writing....it helps me focus oddly. A bit like having a whisky to take the edge of. Meh.....OP, if it doesn't suit you, and he's having bongs (INCREDIBLY strong hit, right there!) Speak to him again, see if he will taper it off.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 11/08/2017 09:38

Sal,

Unfortunately your suggestion to talk to him again is unlikely to work given this from the OPs initial post as well:-

"I have confronted him about his excessive use and he argues back, saying that he has always done it and that I knew full well when we got together he likes to smoke. He says it a way of life, which is ok for him but I just have to sit there while he stares at the telly with his bloodshot eyes".

Oysterbabe · 11/08/2017 09:39

Pot heads are boring as fuck and someone who is still doing it beyond their early 20s is not worth the time of day IMO.

BoredOnMatLeave · 11/08/2017 09:46

I'm sorry OP, but you probably don't even really know him. It sounds like he is constantly stoned so although you think he's lovely, that's the weed, he might be a totally different person sober for a few days.

You said he has a good career, he might not for that much longer if he continues to go in stoned. He may be unable to have children as it does affect sperm, even if he can, what sort of father would he be just getting stoned all the time? He would be a terrible role model.

I know its tough but it's not fair on either on you to continue the relationship thinking you can change him. He either won't change and you will be unhappy or you will make him change and he will be unhappy.

Blackandpurple · 11/08/2017 14:03

Get out. Why on earth get involved with a druggie? Drugs always cone 1st.

You deserve much better. You know it.

NotTheFordType · 11/08/2017 14:15

It's like I said I have dated weed smokers and not had a problem with it.

Most people who smoke a bit of weed, like most people who have an ocassional drink, aren't addicts. Just as an alcoholic's life revolves around alcohol, your BF's revolves around weed. You are second place in his affections. He doesn't want to change and has told you that loud and clear. You cannot MAKE him change with any amount of love, support, nagging or ultimatums. You need to cut your losses, end things now, spend some time grieving the relationship, then move on with someone who's not more invested in getting shit faced than they are in your relationship.

rider1975 · 11/08/2017 21:18

My OH is a smoker (spliff not bong) but doesn't smoke tobacco or drink much alcohol. He works full time and lives a normal life other than a few smokes after work. I have no issue with his life style. From time to time, he'll take a break and when we have his 4 year old, doesn't smoke at all. I'm 3 months pregnant. I knew about it before we got together and I'm not a smoker or big drinker - I'm sporty/cultural minded but really anti social so the fact that his downtime is spent chilling out at home suits me as I like to potter about or go to the gym sleep now I'm totally fatigued.
Each to his own.
However, bong is a much more serious habit I feel than smoking. The amounts used are greater, the hit is harder, the health effects on the lungs more serious and more is needed to get the same high.

From a criminal standpoint, the police overlook light users who don't have much in possession (where I live anyway) but having a lot in possession in your home isn't wise

another20 · 11/08/2017 22:13

This issue is excess and addiction. It is a problem as old as the hills. Everyone who is advising here has seen it, been there, got the T Shirt many times. There is only one scenario - that is why you are getting unanimous advice.

LISTEN to it.
ACT on it.
You will not be different.

You have been with other people who smoke moderately. Thats fine. But this guy is in much deeper. The other people you have dated are like normal social drinkers - G is equivalent to an alcoholic.

What the partners/family of any addict need to know - the 3 C's

You cant cure it
You cant control it
You didnt cause it

He has told you VERY clearly he does not want to change. Accept that and realise that you are quite lucky as you know where you stand (nowhere) - most addicts pretend to change or try to change roping in their co-dep friends and family in a merry dance of secrets and lies and failure.

Move on. Do not give him a backward glance. He will be well numbed up - so dont worry about his feelings.

Converseallstar · 11/08/2017 22:56

My ex was like this, sabotaged us. At first it didn't bother me but when we moved in together and we split bills things started to go down hill, the lies started... said he hadn't spent x amount on weed etc. We agreed on a weekly amount (we was really skint and struggling to feed ourselves) and he never stuck to it, always lied. It took me 5 years to realise an addict will and can never be changed (unless THEY want to). In the end our relationship dwindled because he lied so much to protect his habit.

I understand you love the bones of him and he has many redeeming qualities but the ultimatum is you rather accept him and with him comes the weed, or leave hun. Remember I know how hard this is. Maybe you could come to some sort of arrangement together? After all if he genuinely loves you and wants to be with you surely he could make SOME effort?

Beelzebop · 11/08/2017 23:02

Hey OP,
I'm probably more pro - cannabis than many on mumsnet, saying that so you know my standpoint really. Problem is, he has got into a really comfy habit now. At home, cosy, stoned and unmotivated. This could wear off in a few years but probably not. So you need to decide whether you want that too. Have you asked him if the two of you can do more?

springydaffs · 11/08/2017 23:28

If he's constantly stoned then you haven't even met him yet!

Magpiemagpie · 12/08/2017 06:58

Why do you want to be with some who is a druggie because that's what he is a drug addict

Your standard of men is very low , like on the bottom of your feet

If you stay together just accept that you will not really have anything
Your life will be shit & so will any kids that you have will also be pretty shit

Everthing will revolve around his weed and smoking it

You won't come between his first love which is his bong your just a useful appendage to him that accept and enables his drug use so why wouldn't he be happy with relationship he's got what he wants

You haven't got what you want - have you .
And if you stay with him you never will .

Kualabear · 12/08/2017 07:33

Check out a thread by redstripelass from a while back

Beenbadwolf · 12/08/2017 07:39

Just remember the advice you received in this thread in 20 years time. Maybe then, you'd think twice about "helping" and "saving" him Sad

Ktown · 12/08/2017 07:44

Cannabis sperm swim in cicles.
Long term cannabis users tend to be tedious as it slows you down so you can forget about sparkling conversation.
I'd run for the hills because of the smell alone.

thatdearoctopus · 12/08/2017 07:54

I don't want to be 'that girl' that 'dumped me just because I like weed'.

I think you should be proud to be that girl. Seriously, it might make him shape up and get his act together. He might even thank you for it one day.

thatdearoctopus · 12/08/2017 07:55

I'm worried what it might do to his mind

If he's smoking as much as you say, then his mind is probably fucked anyway.

Letitrain · 12/08/2017 07:56

You're 27. Dump the loser and move on.

WinnerWinnerChickenDinner0 · 12/08/2017 08:09

Picture significant moments in your future,
Your wedding day - is he stoned?
When you go into labour- does he tool a joint for the trip to the hospital?
Parent teacher meetings - is he stoned?

I like used to like a joint every now and then, but no way would I want that to be my life

BrioLover · 12/08/2017 08:25

Try swapping the weed for alcohol. Would that be acceptable? Getting drunk instead of stoned every night, needing a drink before visiting your parents or going to the supermarket?

Does the amount he smokes mean he drives stoned? What if you were to get married and have children? Would he be stoned on your wedding day? At parents evening? For the school run? What about the monetary cost of him smoking - when you are married the finances are family money or equal, so would you be happy him spending hundreds each month on weed when your children need school uniforms?

Sadly you cannot change who he is - he has not made a single change in 8 months and is telling you very clearly who he is by not staying at yours because he can't smoke.

RUN.

OliviaStabler · 12/08/2017 08:35

Briolover has it spot on.