#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

So, it's over

We talked civilly for the best past, I did break down a bit, I found it so emotionally hard not to tbh and he needs to see the hurt he's caused. He only said sorry once throughout, I did record it but not played back, maybe later I'll go over it again.

So, YOWHLF is 33, lives in shared house. They've worked together two years and are 'friends'. She's doing an art degree and studying an artist he also studied at art college. He is meeting her next week on holiday in Athens, his face when I told him DDs BF has also gone on holiday to Athens!

So he's not been happy for years, the massive new workshop, sauna, hot tub 'the best thing we ever bought', etc of his/our dreams we built last year were all just 'distractions'.

He wouldn't give me the cc in my name, he needs it for work right now and the replacement other card should arrive next week. I told him to open his own bank account and we need to set up an 'allowance' each. He's going to find somewhere to rent inside the M25 'not a hovel' and then move into our annex when it's available. It's rented now until mid October, then from Jan-March. With the support he'll have to give me at the house it would make sense, financially too, he's in the annex (OW NOT allowed) He has to help with dogs, chickens, garden, etc and some dog/house sitting when I need it.

My studying starts in Sept and completes October '18, he wants to support me with that as I'll be on home study and once a month weekends in London and I don't know yet if it will be easier to stay the night up there. DD has her GCSEs next year too. So we won't sell the house until I'm done studying.

So the immediate thing is the finances and his accommodation

You sound like an incredibly strong woman OP, and are setting a very good example to your DD by showing that you won't be walked all over and are putting the practical plans in place.

... dogs, chickens, coffee .....

Well done @worldupsidedown you are the stuff of legends and he is an idiot that's being played for a fool. You're well shot of him.

So he's agreeing that YOW is not allowed in the annex which will be his home?

I'm sorry but u don't think he'll stick to that at all.

And I think it's not a good idea to have him living there but it's obviously not my decision.

I don't think that should say.

You are so strong op I could never be that brave ... I'm sorry how it's turned out but I do pray you will get through this and find happiness again xx

I am so sorry he is an utter bastard. Unhappy for years or not he cheated. That's why he has left utter balls this 'years' crap.

Hope you're ok.

Good morning, World (it's a brand new day - sorry, age showing, couldn't help it!). I just wanted to add my support and encouragement to you and after your last update, to ask a quick practical question - if your annexe is rented from Jan to March, is it not a possibility for you to cancel the rental contract citing unforeseen circumstances and return the deposit, if there was one? Four months is sufficient notice, surely? Then he could move into it in October which might make everything run a bit more smoothly?
Good luck with everything.

I hope it was some sort of catharsis for you OP. I'm glad he is not insisting on remaining in the house. You are so impressive and such a good example to your DD.

Now back to the SHL, find your rage and get the best divorce terms to set you up in your new life.

Oh OP. I asked my STBXH why he did the garden and was about to do the decking before he dumped me and he said they were distractions as well. That he tried to be interested in things. It all BS. The OW are the distractions.

Please read 'Lessons at The End of a Marriage to get some clarity, the author really nailed the subject for me and kept me on an even keel. 💐

You're doing so well World. Keep your chin up, cry when you need to, get mad when you want to.

The daft thing is that with an almost 20 year age gap, the odds that this mid life crisis fling he's having will end badly are high. Then he'll truly see what he threw away.

I also wouldn't trust him not to have to OW back to the annex... you couldn't trust him not to have an affair with her so his word now means nothing.

That sounds reasonably positive. I would add however that just because you agreed to something last night, you don't have to stick to it. You've had a huge shock , it's all extremely recent and he's been cheating on you- if you want to change your mind about something then do it, no apologies. He changed his mind about your whole marriage and didn't even tell you, you can cancel his card today or turn around in a month and say you want to stay in the house and you don't want him in the annex after all, that's absolutely totally fine.

What an amazing woman you are being, such a good role model for your daughter not standing upto his shit.

*standing upto his shit, sorry!

I'm not going to cancel the annex booking and inconvenience them to make his life less inconvenient!

I'm sorry you're going through this OP. You sound like a heroine.

Well done, you are amazing! Although I'm sure you feel anything but right now, but you will get through this xxx

Sorry, World, I suggested the annexe cancellation as it read to me as if you would prefer him nearby to help with DD, chickens, etc, but I obviously got that wrong!

I think it's a day at a time at the moment. There's absolutely no rush to sort anything out far into the future. Just getting through each day is an achievement.

Be kind to yourself OP. It does get easier.

Morning, Workd. Firstly - huge hugs. This must all be awful.

Secondly -
SHL time.

I'd be seriously checking that he's not just ensuring ducks are all in a row by wanting to go into the annexe.

As I've said before, check that by doing the course that you're not actually enabling him to gain more during a divorce settlement by effectively creating a situation where any potential earnings can be taken into account.
You're a SAHM right now so he'd have to give you a lot in a settlement right now. I'm just worried that he's being clever in pushing you to do the course. If he 'hasn't been happy for years' then I'd trust NOTHING he's saying.

Let him move out into his 'not a hovel' and then drop the divorce papers. At that point he's left the family home...

You have a right to cancel the cc in ur name. He shouldn't be using it for work anyway as most companies would give their own work cc. He needs it to lavish his mistress with treats otherwise she wouldn't look at him twice. I would cancel the card. Inconvenience him.

What @cailisto said!