#3 He IS having an affair

[worldupsidedown]

Ok, here we go for round #3 in which we know DH is having an affair, and does not give a flying fuckof 25 years inc 19 years of marriage or respect for his LW and DD and now we try to establish what the hell thinks he's going to do next and hopefully learn about the YOWHLTF while trying to keep a calm and dignified posture

If it comes up tell MIL he's known her longer than he admitted to - he told you that, so it won't alert him to your having snooped - but I'd keep the rest under your hat.

And amuse yourself with the thought than when she's your age she'll be counting out his tablets and looking at his teeth in a glass by the bed

Perhaps you could ask the Facebook friend who she might be? The news will spread like wildfire

And amuse yourself with the thought than when she's your age she'll be counting out his tablets and looking at his teeth in a glass by the bed

Whilst you'll be off dancing and relaxing and enjoying your retirement, either on your own or with someone who will treat you with respect.

Had the house baled and one agent, (another divorcee!) suggests getting photos done now while the house is in the prime of summer and just having it lined up ready to go if/when I need to. I also suggested, as the uniqueness of our house is, that if anyone says they are looking for something which ours matches to have our house under the counter.

Do you think you will have to sell the house? I thought the valuations were for working out values of assets? Mind you, a total fresh start could be good. That estate agent really sounds like they want to sell it!

Been lurking on all these threads.

It's amazing the lack of self awareness people can have. "I've been unhappy for years."

I have a friend whose dh left her and their dcs for some months because of that reason. Don't think there was ow. He came back because it finally dawned on him that what he was unhappy with was himself. And he'd taken that with him! Maybe that's why leavers can be so cruel and petty, and act as if they're really stupid. Having ow, new shirts, night's away, new flats etc. All just an (expensive) distraction from/excuse the fact they are disappointed with themselves. It's much easier than taking responsibility for yourself. Just my random thoughts.

Also very impressed by world.

Glad to see you're coping well, World.

I think Tobee has it in one. Once you're grown up, you can't run from your troubles - they follow you. However, it shows a huge lack of maturity to throw the blame at your nearest and supposedly, dearest. Especially his daughter.
World, you have been amazing throughout this and I would suggest on days where you struggle, that you read these threads back through to remind yourself that you are a strong, vibrant woman, you are more than able to see this through and come out the other side. There are days when all you will want to do is curl up and hide from the world. Allow yourself time to do that, you need to mourn the passing of your former life to allow the healing process to take place. You will rise again, stronger for it! X

Tobee is completely right. It's like the old saying... "Everywhere you go, there you are."

Your STBXH has convinced himself he's a new and more exciting version of himself with this younger woman. But he's only different at the moment because the nature of their relationship is different. Once the relationship settles down to something that's more similar to the conventional family life that he's become so bored of... SURPRISE! It turns out that the old, boring version of himself will be back too.

You are doing so well, World. It's obvious that your STBXH is flailing around giving different people different stories to try to justify his actions. Right now, it's hard to gain perspective on it all. The divorce process is likely to be pretty brutal, and it will be likely that MYOW doubles down on her support of him (as your refusal to 'go quietly' confirms his sad tale that you're an unreasonable bitch out to make his life miserable).

But it will be over one day, and when the dust settles, you'll have worked through it, and he'll still have all those same internal demons waiting to raise their heads again. And MYOW will start to see that his version of events was perhaps not the full story, and now she's staring down the rest of her life with someone who will retire 20 years before she does, who has a fuckload of internalised resentment and entitlement, an antagonistic relationship with his daughter and ex-wife, and a wardrobe full of ugly shirts.

@LilyMcClellan "wardrobe full of ugly shirts." Can't stop laughing at this!! You've hit the nail on the head, tho! I fully agree, well put!

*Honeyroar-
*
'When I split up with my ex I made a list of all the furniture, who owned what etc, but he left everything at the house while the purchase of his next house went through. I was seeing a counsellor, who said don't be ridiculous, you're not free storage for him, make him move it all, so I did. He came round in a full on grump and said he'd have to leave the wardrobe in the spare room for now. When I insisted it went he sawed it up in the spare room and carried it downstairs in pieces. As the last piece went in his trailer he said "happy now?". I replied no, here's the Hoover, you've left sawdust everywhere. To my surprise he did Hoover it up, while I sat in the next room shaking with laughter.'

Omg I'm crying here! 😆

I really should read back my posts! The house was valued, came in at what I'd hoped.

MIL called to see if I was ok, she's coming over on Saturday to see us and also wants some time alone with DD

Might she be trying to persade DD to talk to STBXH, put his side?

My friend's ex husband asked for her engagement and wedding rings back "because he paid for them". She is now happily divorced but wears her wedding ring just to annoy him.

Oh god Soosan you reminded me of something I'd completely forgotten. I'd removed my rings as soon as I found out about OW. He kept his wedding ring on for ages and then tried to tell me our marriage clearly meant nothing to me as I wasn't wearing my rings

OP you're sounding strong. Good for you.

I've taken my rings off.

I just nearly pooped myself. DH just came home, I heard a car in the drive and went downstairs to see a taxi leaving, then DH walked in. Didn't say anything. I went back upstairs. I thought he wasn't back until tomorrow

Did I mention today is/was our 19th wedding anniversary. I sent him a text earlier with a link to a very poignant song from my favourite artist

I think I'd have to say something to mil- maybe a warning that dd is angry and you won't earn any points by trying to explain dhs behaviour? Or with you by minimising adultery to dd. Not sure really, I just wouldn't be comfortable if she wanted to try and mediate on his behalf. If she really just wants to tell her gd that she is still her gd and she loves her that's fine of course.

Oh World. I'm so sorry. All of the first anniversaries post separation are so tough and to have your wedding anniversary when you're so early in this shitstorm must be heart wrenching. Did he reply to your text today or just ignore it?

Taking the rings off was so hard to do but it is very significant psychologically. I didn't realise how much I'd spin them and twiddle them until they'd gone.

My wedding ring comes out of retirement when I go on holiday as it keeps the twats away! My engagement ring has been remodelled into a dress ring of my design which I wear every day and looks fabulous and nothing like an engagement ring.

I also feel a bit of concern with MiL wanting time 'alone' with DD. Unless, of course, that's always been a normal part of their relationship pattern.

If you do decide to permit it, I think you need to tell MiL that she is NOT to talk to DD about the divorce, about you, or about her son. And that you will be asking DD what they talked about.

Let's not forget MiL is DD's grandmother, is related to her, has a relationship with her etc., and DD is not the property of OP... if MiL wants time with DD, she is entitled to that, and they are entitled to discuss whatever they choose to discuss together.

I am obviously fully in support of OP but I do think it's important (hard though it is) that DouchebagH is not villainised when it comes to his relationship with DD. Think of it from DD's perspective- she's naturally going to be furious with DH, and very protective of OP, but her whole world has been ripped apart. To be honest I think she's been told too much about what her dad has done- that honesty and anger towards him punishes her more than it punishes him. I think (and most experts agree) that actually it's beneficial for children not to understand the ins and outs, or be told that one parent is a dick and has done all that he has done. It goes against all our instincts, but it really is what is best for the child, and I have so much respect for parents that manage that.

Today must have been really hard OP- well done for getting through it!

Wow, almost time for another thread already! Also wow, @World you are a bad ass. Really.

I've finally just got caught up with the whole thing. Seen the other two threads, but not yet this one.

I just cannot believe how STUPID this man is! The fact that he just LEFT clear evidence of a physical affair lying around IN YOUR SHARED HOME where you could reasonably easily come across it at any time, the fact that he never bothered to even try covering his financial tracks when you have full access to all finances, the fact that he was overtly and obviously acting out of character for the entire duration... It really looks like he wanted to get caught! But then the fact that your knowledge of the affair absolutely blindsided him, how drastically he has underestimated you... well it tells me he's simply just fucking STUPID, or just extremely, massively thoughtless and completely oblivious. Then he's going for a weekend away with WYGOWWHHKBLTS (Greek, who he "hardly knows" but likes to shag) - YOUR weekend when he didn't bother last year (the prick) - and is open about it?! It's unreal! This case of cockbrainitis is really quite severe!

That's another thing that fucks me off about him, too (as PP have said as well): just how fucking callous his words have been. He's being so dispassionate, so uncaring, so fucking technical and almost medical in his discussions about ending a 25 year relationship with a nearly 20 year marriage that it's inhuman. The man is utterly heartless.

It's as though he thinks it's perfectly fine to talk to HIS WIFE - the very person he is BETRAYING - as though she were his bloody lawyer or some employee, to talk about his AFFAIR and subsequent divorce as though it were bloody housework! I cannot get over how matter-of-fact he's being about this with you!! He's handling it as though it's some sort of inevitable business agreement and not the cruel and totally preventable end of a loving MARRIAGE of two decades! It's absolutely shocking!

It's as though he doesn't even recognize that there is very deep pain (or any emotion at all, really) involved in this situation, much less that HE CHOSE to cause that pain!! He has no fucking empathy at all, has he?

Anyway, @World, you are amazing. You really are. I would never want to be on your bad side!! :)

I've only one tiny bit of advice to offer, though it doesn't look like you need any at this point you're doing so great. It's been said several times before, but I'll just add to it:

EVERY time he EVER asks you to do anything at all for him (like the 'hey can you cancel my card' bollocks - or even when he tells you what fucking train he's on or where he's been/going) and just carries on the way he has for the last two fucking decades using you as his administrator as if he hasn't been fucking around on you - you must matter-of-factly remind him that you are NOT his wife any longer and you will NOT be acting as such ever again. Remind him that he made that decision, so HE needs to find another admin or take care of himself now!

Seriously. He's so used to you handling literally everything except for his job, that he'll forget and it will happen again.

Keep something like this on the clipboard of your phone so that you can just paste it in if he EVER asks you to do ANYTHING for him again, just reply with:

"I am not your wife, [Name]. You can ask her to do your chores now, or you can take care of things yourself. Do not ask me again."

Also - MYGOWHDLBWTS (much younger Greek OW he "doesnt love" but wants to shag) is 33, you said? But she lives in a shared flat, took on a married sugar daddy, is obviously swept away by museums and cinemas and the like, and writes shitty, starry-eyed poetry? She sounds incredibly immature. It sounds as if she acts like a teenager! The tart.

He left for work, not a word or text. I had a snoop in his room. Wedding ring plus another I gave him which he's loved and worn for years are now both in his bedside drawer.